JAN. 27-2011 MY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT TODAY

Hello:
My writing today may not be what you expect it to be, my thoughts on my cancer etc. Today, I had to put to sleep my pet companion, friend, child, my houshold partner, my little toy poodle. She has been with me for at least 11 years, borne 3 babies, been my true friend, always ready to greet me, to sit near me, to walk with me, to just 'be' there' for me.

Amidst my cancer year, my little dog somehow got cancer. I checked with my vet and all the research shows NO connection whatsoever to the fact that I had cancer. I detected her lump myself, and at first the vet poo-pooed it, as to only a lump of fat. But I kept watch, and to make a long story short, Mocha underwent not one operation for cancer, but two, as the lump grew back again. I had lengthy discussions with my vet as to what we would do if a 3rd growth of cancer showed up. We decided then that next time, should it arise, we would put Mocha to sleep, as it would only mean continued suffering for her as time went on. The lump grew back, much larger this time, and Mocha started losing control of her continence. For a while, I just cleaned it up and let it go. But as I had to start restrcting her more with very little food, it just got worse, she was no longer the frisky happy wonderful creature. She only wanted to sleep and eat, and then got sick from it.

Now I have dealt with the death of a former dog of mine years ago, and I always knew that I would never let my pet suffer. It is bad enough that we let adults suffer and suffer, and not be able to help them die in dignity. My vet was afraid that when it really came to the crux, that I would not be able to let him put her to rest. But I knew that her life was now suffering-the tumor was about to burst open and really cause suffering. So by myself, with my wonderful vet, we put Mocha to rest. I was very concerned as to her burial arrangements, and again, my vet and I discussed this long ago. He will bury her at Motza himself . It is my loss that I grieve for her absence. She has been such a source of life for me-someone to come home to, someone to care for. I never felt so alone as long as I had my little pet. Often it was very difficult to go away for vacations or week-ends, but it was worth it to me to stay home with her. I was lucky that my son and daughter-in-law were very good about helping out when they could, as well as a young girl babysat occasionally.

And so the cycle of life comes to an end. As a recovering cancer patient (I hope), in my cancer group we are constantly talking of life and death. I know internally that life and death are the outside boundaries of the years I have on earth (as do we all). It is like a sandwich-birth, the productive fruitful years, and then death. But living with a life-threatening illnes, we become so very aware of the frailty of life, and our final destination. It makes me, for one, truly appreciate every good moment, day, happening in life.

I know that Mocha had good years. I was privileged to have had her with me. I am also pleased that I did not let her continue to suffer endlessly as the cancer spread and incapacitated her more and more.

As I sit here and cry, I realize that Mocha was my lifeline, a breathing creature of this universe, who also sat at my feet, slept nearby, needed me as much as I needed her, who gave me joy, a sense of not being alone, a sense of being useful and needed. I am so very fortunate for having had this great opportunity as part of my life. She in essence is my 3rd pet dog over the years. Each one has enriched my life, and has given meaning to it.

I pray for all of us to eventually know 'the kiss of death' when we need to, and to enjoy fully our time here on earth as best we can while we can.

My best wishes for all of us.

JAN. 23-2011 ALONG MY JOURNEY

Shalom!
Well, it has been almost a month since I wrote here, but I have been doing writings from my Bibliotherapy course of my cancer group at Tishkofet Maagan. How weird it is that now that I am not doing 'tipulim', thank G., I am still a cancer person in thought and feel more comfortable amongst people that understand and are there or have been 'there'. In this group, we are encouraged to write feelings and thoughts, which I do, so that takes me away from writing here.

Each time I think of going thru' chemotherapy, I am so very very thankful and pray not to ever need to do this again. When I go in for my monthly cleaning of my port, it pains me terribly to see the patients in treatment. Thank G. I feel normal and that shocks me as well! Only my shoulder still gives me pain and is problematic when opening heavy car doors or lifting my arm up. I walk around this earth being so very aware of each good moment-I feel and fear that something bad is around the corner about to happen. So I try to enjoy each day when I wake up and do things that I have chosen to do, but with such awareness as to the frailty of life.

I finally had my first 3 day outing out of my home to the Dead Sea with the teachers' union, where I teach. To sit and read and be a 'normal' person with this vast sea of humanity was stupendous. I actually bumped into another cancer patient and we, hardly knowing each other, just fell into each other's arms with joy to see one another. Strange world!

I wish all and any readers to feel well, and thank you all for praying not only for chaya bat sary bayla but for all sick people.
Until the next time-
Chow!