FEELING GOOD ABOUT A CHOICE OF AN ONCOLOGIST-DEC. 28-09

Happiness is:
-feeling loved
-being accepted
-successful at work, etc. etc.
We all have things that make us 'happy'. And here I am happy and almost delirious about my choice of an oncologist. This matter simply drove me crazy, and I spent many hours trying to come to a change of oncologists, and to dare take another. I basically am afraid to venture onto new things, but do when I must. Anyways, thank G. for my choice. I found Dr. Cherney so caring, thorough, empathetic, calming. The fact that he too had had cancer and chemotherapy helped me realize he really knows what one goes through. The nurses were wonderful. I took a swine flu shot now before I start the chemo. The nurses invited me to have a guided explanation if I wished before I start the treatments, which is exactly what I need.

Next week, I am to take a heart test. The team of 6 oncologists will sit together next week to discuss my personal case, as well as others. He will study my particular needs (in the area of receptors-which I can't explain), and he will tell me about 2 different ways of chemo-for he and I to discuss and decide. Where I fit in to decide is beyond me, but it is reassuring that he will ask my opinion. I asked all kinds of questions like nausea, genetic testing (which I will do shortly for my family members to have). All in all, I went home reassured and still dreading what's coming, but resigned that it most likely can give me extra years when it kills remaining remnants.

Amazing that happiness can be about such a topic like chemotherapy, but choosing a right guide is so very important to me.

Good luck to any reader-I give thanks every moment of the day for each positive step along the way.
Thanks always to my wonderful supporters and concerned friends and family.

WHAT TIME CAN DO: DEC. 24-09

Shalom once again:
Where I once was so shocked at my diagnosis of cancer, I now have learned to accept it somewhat. When I went to hear the pathology report finally, it was much less traumatic than at the beginning. I am still fighting the whole idea of chemotherapy, but know that with 3 tumors having been removed, I have no choice but to do it anyways. I feel very lucky and blessed that the cancer did not invade the lymph nodes or deep into my body. But I still am not comfortable with the feeling in my breast, which I hear takes a lot of time to heal. I have been busy enjoying family smachot, thank G. and going crazy finalizing which oncologist to use as my doctor. I go to see him this next week and hear about what's in store for me and when. I am lucky to feel the friendship around me and believe me, do we need it. To be honest, as brave as I seem to me, I am scared to the core inside. But I try to be positive and fill myself with emunah as best I can.

Thank you to any reader who is praying not only for me, chaya bat sara bayla, but praying for all sick people.
Bye for now.

PEACE OF MIND? TO RELAX AND FORGET? DEC. 15-09

Shalom to my blog:
What a laugh, to think that I could forget and just live and enjoy solely. One small phone call from a medical personnel, and bingo-the worries are right back here. Calls I should have made, and am late doing, decisions to make or change. But on the surface, I must keep myself cool, friendly and 'with it'. I could say, "I can't do this", but that won't help. So I will put my 'company face' on, and keep going. There are many pleasant moments with friends, enjoying the idea of a holiday of Chanukah, but my mind keeps counting the days and hours until the 22nd of Dec. Yet, I know basically what's in store, but you never really know until it is announced again to you, with whatever additions or changes. Kind people have told me stories over and over again of how so many recover and have recovered so well, and how some have never needed the chemotherapy at all . Miracles do happen, but not that often, I am told by the knowlegeable experts. My only advice that I could pass on to another in this rocky boat is to do the best you can. We are not 'other' people, nor can we compare or wish to be like others-strong, positive, upbeat. I must deal with myself, my fears, my positive and negative emotions all in one. Now, that I've written all this, how do I feel? I needed to put it in writing, and perhaps, in rereading, I can find new perspective to get through this week. Many good events are to be this week, G. willing. The challenge is to know what is, and to enjoy anyways. This is really a tough challenge.

ONE MORE STEP ALONG THE WAY, DEC. 10-09

My first post operation check-up was done by a Dr. in surgery. He removed the remaining bandages, and said that the heavy feeling was swollen blood, and that time would reduce the swelling. He checked for me but the pathology is not back yet. I want it, yet I don't want to hear. So I have a week now to enjoy life as much as I can before my appt. on the 22nd, right after Chanukah. Teaching is wonderful as always, and I love it. I am very lucky to have friends around to take me out to dine, to call me etc. This upcoming Chanukah period is for lots of grandchildren and family, please G.
Each moment is so precious-do any of us really know how long we have here on earth? We all presume that only the old and the sick go, but one never knows. Anyways, I am working hard to uplift my positivity and faith. I tend to be a pessimist and am working on being more optimistic. May G. hear my plans and agree!
I wish all of you who just read this for fun, or who need this for your trying moments, a wonderful Chanukah. Every little bit of enjoyment is good for our mental health. The nicest part of my teaching is the laughing that we all do while learning. Why not make school and learning fun and not all drab?
Bye for now.

WEEK-END THOUGHTS, FEARS, PLEASURES-DEC. 5-09

A Shabat was spent with one of my sons and loving family of grandchildren. I spent a lot of time reading and reading re proper eating patterns while going thru' cancer. Being on Weight Watchers for years already, I had felt that I am eating quite balanced and nutritious meals. It seems that it would be useful for we in this boat to eat more of the plant world and the natural fruits and almost negate all the meat and fowl elements. That is a very major change, and altho' I eat meat so very sparingly, I do enjoy my chicken and salmon. Having little or not bread, even whole wheat is very difficult for me. But I shall try to moderate my eating pattern, altho' I already broke it today due to circumstances unforseen.

In addition, and more to the point, I read extensively re
chemotherapy and its effects. I have always had very negative feelings about this treatment, but in my case, it seems imperative. But I will wait until the pathology results to further explain why this seems to be my only route possible.

So my friends, who may be in the same boat, let's enjoy our homes, our friends, our work-I started my teaching 2 days after surgery, albeit only very part time. No one knows what's coming next in life, so let's live today and each day. I again say thank you to all who are carrying me along with their friendship, caring and prayers. I pray for all who have to go thru' this to try and keep positive-for me, that is my down side, I really need to remind myself constantly to think positive!
Until the next time-bye for now.

IN BETWEEN CALM, SECURE, AND FEAR-DEC. 4-09

I first of all am so thankful to the universe of love that has surrounded me. The godliness in so many human beings is what makes our G. so real, as we all have this potential within us. Thank you all. At the same time, I am praying for Gila bat Bella, who undergoes surgery today, as well as are so many all over, I am sure.

Thank G. my throat that was somewhat hurt during the operation by the tube down my throat, is improving, and I can speak and drink more easily without so much pain. It's weird that this has caused me more pain than the side operated on. So I am feeling so lucky to have passed this first trial. Am in limbo, happy and trying to not think of what's coming, altho' I know it's on its way. Maybe I'll be lucky to be strong to handle it. Anyways, life gives us and we must take on what comes our way. I am lucky that I feel so surrounded by caring wonderful images of G. in the forms of family, friends. I focus now on seeing the beauty in everything-nature, my spot to live in, my sweet little dog, Mocha, my love of my teaching, the beauty of Shabat coming each week, of sharing smachot far and near, and always being aware of man's mortality, including mine.
So to any womany going thru' this trial, take the good given to you by life, by others and hang on to all that good and love.
Shabat Shalom until I write again. This blog is really done for me-I just knew I had to do it. If it helps one person, I will be thrilled. As well, I have an 'Abundance' journal, that I keep on my computer,where almost every day, I jot down 5 or more good things that I am thankful for that day. It's amazing that even amidst problematic times, there are good things to be thankful for all the time!

SOME HIGHLIGHTS OF A 3 DAY HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

There are some thoughts I don't want to forget, nor the wonderful people involved.

Rather than offending someone, I am not entering names, but they will know who they are, and how much I am so appreciative of their time and caring.

Going for a bowl of soup before entering the hospital-being picked up and driven no matter how busy my supporters are



My grandaughter, newly married, leaving her husband for the first time, to come and sleep on the floor next to me, to help me to the washroom, etc. right after surgery



My son who arranged a harp lady, who plays for the very ill women in oncology, to come to my room for me to hear the most beautiful peaceful relaxing harp melodies. I tear up each time I think of that ultimate pleasure and 'pinuk' (spoiling me).



To Dr. Olsha who didn't let me down, but performed his skilled hands to personally do my surgery, even tho' this was not the norm.



to my cousins who never left my side for a moment and who promise to be there to walk me through each of the upcoming rough stages.



to all those wonderful people whom I knew were saying their prayers and wishes so that I may live to be healthy again-and G. willing, when I do, I hope to right back up one floor at Sharei Tzedek back to the new born baby unit to help with those delicious miraculous births, back to Meir Panim to help serve the hungry and lonely, and of course, back to my teaching wherever and whenever I can.



I feel very lucky that I have come this far, and hope to keep this spirit up , even as it gets tough out there.

Thank you all again for your good wishes, warmth, love and prayers.

chaya bat sara bayla

I pray for all who are going thru' this, that you will have people around you to embrace you with their warmth and encouragement.

HOME SWEET HOME, THANK G.Dec. 2-09

With profound thanks to the Upper Power, and to all of you who filled me with hope and love and caring, I thank you. I could not have done it alone. Thank you, thank you- for your prayers, your concern, your kind gestures . Well, the 2 tumors are out plus a couple of lymph nodes for pathology. G. willing, if they find no more problems there, they will then plan out my course of chemo, depending on stage, type of cancer, etc. Dr. Oded Olsha was simply marvelous. The only flaw was the tube down my throat during the operation which has left me very sore, barely able to talk or drink or eat, but knowing me, I find a way anyways to eat. I found Sharei Tzedek wonderful almost 100%. Having it done close to home gave me some security. To those who were with me almost minute by minute in person or by phone and especially long distance, I thank you for carrying me through.



I just hope that I can be this brave when the next stage begins. I have 3 weeks now until I meet with the surgeon to hear exact info and to begin the chemo stage. So G. willing, I will focus on getting back to teaching, living, enjoy a family simcha, until the next frightening part comes. But G. has given me tough times before, and he has carried me thru'. When I look back on life, not all of it is easy by far. But hopefully, I have miles to go before I sleep!

Again, I pray that this blog will help others-and I pray for everyone out there needing encouragement. We have many people, drs., scientist, students (like my grandaughter) who are constantly studying and searching for answers to this illness. May help come for many during our era.



Kol toov -talk to you again. My heartfelt thanks again-to my dear drivers, feeders, listeners,