FEB. 24-2010-CANCER 101 FOR BEGINNERS LIKE ME~

SHALOM!
Well, now that I'm into chemo #4, I have learned a lot of pointers to share with you.

1. Trust in your own feelings about your body-no one knows better than we do about what we are experiencing.

2. Stop beating yourself about why you feel so badly when others say they know others who swam thru' the whole process so easily.

3. Listen to your body-if it says, enough, rest, do it. Never mind that others can stay up til all hours, do what you need to survive.

4. Getting a bladder infection, a nose infection. swollen vessels in injected arm, leg cramps, tingling in toes, bad feeling of breath, nausea-all these are NORMAL, and part of the effects of the chemo going into your good cells as well, making us vulnerable to colds, infections, and any type of side effects. DON'T FEEL GUILTY (remember I am talking to myself and if it helps you, then wonderful). You are what you are-that is, I am what I am, and must cope as best I can, without feeling guilty that I am not stronger or not able to cope better.

Anways, chemo # 4 is almost done, I get the injection today. And that is the end of the 4 chemos. After a short break, I start an 8 wk. once a week injection of another series of chemo, while in bed for each Wed. for 8 weeks in the hospital. Hopefully, G. willing, it will be easier than the side effects of this past series.

next stage, will be discussed at a later date.

I can't believe I managed to withstand this first intensive part-it is all thanks to the wonderful people around me and from afar who have prayed for me, carried me along, fed me, sat near me, called me, wrote to me, sending me jokes to uplift my spirit, and simply caring. It means the world to me-THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I thank the 'above' for letting me get thru' this thus far.
I wish any other ill people better health and ability to cope-my list to pray for unfortunately gets longer than ever.

BYE FOR NOW.

FEB. 19-2010 THANK G. FOR BEING ALIVE

Well, it's been a good few days since I wrote. The fatigue of chemo has really affected me, but the nausea has subsided mostly, until of course, I begin my 4th session of chemo and a subsequent shot this upcoming week and I am back to square one (and perhaps it will be not as bad). I am learning constantly to listen to my body and what it needs, no matter where I want to be in society or where others want me to be. For me, this means going to bed early in the evening, as I am up early, like 2:30 a.m. daily!
Sleeping pills don't work so I stopped trying. I just cope as best I can with what my body needs. I also am learning to rest more and to not overdue my outings. I am so thankful for having this bit of respite between chemos( every 2 wks.), and force myself to walk (having my dog helps) and to do some exercise to strengthen me, and to not become a total couch potato.
For some of you who tell me that you cannot stand to read my blog, stop reading it. It is done for me, and perhaps to help someone else in a difficult medical situation.
I know that I am being carried along by some human angels on this earth who call me, write to me, pray for me, are with me , who even bring me food. Thank you all!
Adar hopefully will give us happiness both without and especially within. Shabat Shalom!

SHLEPPING ALONG-FEB. 12-10 THANK G.

HELLO:
WELL, 3RD CHEMO AND 3RD INJECTION DONE. STILL NAUSEA, KNOTS IN STOMACH, EXTREME TIREDNESS, BUT SHLEPPING ALONG AS BEST I CAN. I NOW GIVE IN TO MY BODY WHEN IT NEEDS TO SLEEP EVEN IF IT'S EARLY EVENING. MY DAY AND NIGHT ARE SO MIXED UP, BUT I DO WHAT I CAN.
CAN'T IMAGINE DOING ANOTHER CHEMO, AND THEN A NEW TYPE OF CHEMO AHEAD, BUT ONE DOES IT. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR EVERYONE WHO IS SUPPORTING ME MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TO DO THIS. I HAVE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE EACH LITTLE GESTURE, EACH BEAUTIFUL MOMENT OF BEING ALIVE, OF BEING ABLE TO FUNCTION ON THIS EARTH. MY TEACHING KEEPS ME LIFTED HIGH, THANK G.

I SIMPLY DON'T HAVE THE WORDS TODAY TO EXPRESS MORE, SO I WILL ADD ON PERHAPS LATER ON.
BYE FOR NOW.

ADDEND: I AM EXPERIENCING EXTREME FATIGUE, AND AM FINDING THAT I MUST STOP TO REST ON A BENCH, TO LIE DOWN, TO 'VEG OUT' MORE AND MORE OFTEN. THE FATIGUE HAS SUDDENLY INCREASED, AND I AM LEARNING NOT TO FIGHT IT. I SELDOM GO OUT IN THE EVENING NOW, DUE TO TIREDNESS. MY SLEEP HOURS ARE SO MIXED UP-I AM UP AND READING ALREADY BEFORE 4 A.M. AND SO IT IS A LONG DAY. THAT MIXED WITH SOME NAUSEA, KEEPS ME FULLY AWARE THAT I AM NOT THE REGULAR PERSON ON THE STREET, AND MUST MAKE THE CHANGES MY BODY IS CALLING OUT FOR. NICE WEATHER, NICE PEOPLE, NATURE ALL MAKE ME SO THANKFUL FOR SOMEHOW EXISTING ANYWAYS. I MUSTN'T FORGET ABOUT THE POWER OF READING TO ENTER OTHER WORLDS OTHER THAN MYSELF.
HAPPY ADAR TO US ALL-LET'S HOPE FOR A GOOD HEALTHY MONTH, WITH MANY GOOD THINGS.

CAPTAIN OF MY FATE/MASTER OF MY SOUL-FEB, 7-10

Today, before my new series #3 of chemotherapy, I treated myself to the movie INVICTUS, the story of Nelson Mandela. I highly recommend it. In it, Mandela reveals that while in prison he read and was influenced by a poem called Invictus, where the last 2 lines read:

I am the captain of my fate
I am the master of my soul.

This week-end I reread a book that I bought years ago, since I have been for so long thinking and searching for answers to the prospect of man dying. Rereading 'Staring at the sun: overcoming the Dread of Death', by Irvin D. Yalom, helped me to understand that we are all of us mortal human beings, with a beginning and an end. Somehow, I believe that we, at least I, find this a far off thing that only happens to other people, or very old or sick people. We tend to push these thoughts far away from our conscious thinking. Now, knowing that I have a form of cancer, a most dreaded disease, I have had to come to terms with the fact, that yes, I as all beings, had a beginning, a blossoming growing, producing stage, and do face my mortality. None of us 'healthy' souls know when our time on earth is to cease. It is simply unthinkable!

This poem Mandela refers to, which impressed him enough to pass it on to another leader in the movie, is worth reading. You can look it up through Google. But I believe a little differently:
we are not really the captains of our fate-we can dare to steer our life in certain directions, but it is far from our ultimate control.

But to be the master of our soul-that is possible. We can live whatever length of life we have with happiness and joy, trying to do the most for ourselves, for others, for this planet, for our youth, for our families. We can have difficult trying times physically and mentally, but we need to nourish and flourish our souls. That we are the masters of. Perhaps that is why I seem to be so bent on expressing my gratitude when I meet such nice people, and share good moments. Maybe I am realizing the passage of time for me, and want to fully live each moment with my soul full, as if to ward off the bad and inevitable end as fate will decree at some point in time.

So dear readers, if you are struggling, as I am, there is a fate for all of us, but while alive, we must help our soul to be complete and to live and yes, to enjoy whatever and whenever we can.
I hope my writing here doesn't sound too much like a preacher. I am writing this blog for me, and if you are reading it, you take the risk of liking it or not.
Bye again for now.

THANK THE LORD FOR SOME TIME TO FEEL NORMAL-FEB. 7-10

THANK THE LORD FOR A SHABAT WITH FRIENDS, AND ABLE TO EAT AND ENJOY. HOW WONDERFUL TO FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING. I FEEL LIKE I AM SO NEGATIVE WHEN I WRITE HERE,THAT I NEED TO SAY WHEN THINGS ARE GOOD. OF COURSE, TOMORROW IS ALREADY CHEMO #3. SO G. WILLING, I WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

LET'S HOPE THAT ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE IN SUCH A DIFFICULT TIME, WILL HAVE THEIR MOMENTS OF FEELING NORMAL AND EVEN BETTER THAN THAT. THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING TO SAY A GOOD WORD TO THE UNIVERSE/G./THE SUPREME POWERS FOR RECOVERIES.

chaya bat sara bayla
HAVE A GOOD WEEK!

'HODOO LASHEM KI TOV'-FEB. 4-10

I almost don't know if I am writing to myself, or to the supreme power or what. AFter a horrible evening last night of nausea non-stop, I woke up today, feeling and saying " Thank you Lord for letting me feel somewhat normal again". what pleasure to feel normal~ That lasted some 4 hours and now it's back to nausea. But I am so thankful to see and feel the rain, the hints of snow, to be able to put myself together and go to exercise osteoporosis class and to teach as if all is 100%. But it is, as I am alive and so thankful for the loving people around me.

I used to have a dog whom I named 'Ma tov". When I picked her up at the animal pound, I drove home singing: "Ma tovu ohalecha yaakov, mishkenatecha Yisrael". whence the name 'Ma Tov. Another acquaintance, when asked how she is, always answers: 'Hodoo lashem ki tov"! I like that answer.
All is well with the world in some form or other. Why I am writing all this, I don't know, except that in my feeling good hours this morning, I kept saying thank you over and over for letting me feel normal for now.
As it is already Thurs. afternoon here, I wish all of any readers good health and enjoy life and its splendors, no matter what else we have to carry on our shoulders.
Shabat shalom!

p.s. Please notice that in my blog of yesterday, I added on an addend later re my new hair arrangement.

Want to know nice people? Think of a mother of 12, not a real friend, but a nice neighbor, who begs me to accept a soup from her. After weeks of saying no need, I finally relent. She brings a pot of chicken soup, laden with tons of chicken and vegetables. I feel so badly to take away from a family of 12 plus parents, but she wanted to do it so badly. May she merit many mitzvot! I must say, that her soup is much better than mine! I must find out the secret!

THANK G. FOR EACH POSITIVE MOMENT-FEB. 4, 2010

Hello once again:

After several days of pain, using SEDURAL to ease the situation, finally received confirmation of an infection. My advice to anyone having the symptoms, don't wait for a full test to come back over several days, get the Sedural and the antibiotics and start. The reason I didn't do that, was that unless I was really sure I had an infection, I didn't want to start antibiotics for nothing. For another time, I will not wait. To be so uncomfortable, was far from acceptable. We learn from others and from experience.



Finally once again, I am able to go out to sit and dine with friends, family, altho' the nausea persists. But I feel more like myself. Of course, now I mentally prepare to start chemo #3 and its effects next week again. Highlights for me were and are: meeting friends, sharing special happenings-bat mitzva, wedding, sharing ideas. It means so much when you are having a difficult time to pass the time with others. I am thankful for calls, e mails, etc.



Aside from the infection, I seem to have a problem with blood in my nostrils. And so, again, I will go to a Dr. to investigate that. That's an outing! Not what I would prefer, but better than continuing to ponder its reasons and how to deal with it.



Wish you all better things to read on blogs. As my doctor says,

Chin up! I also think-this too shall pass, and the next challenge will come!

Bye for now.

p.s. How could I forget? Shows you that when you don't feel well, you forget about other items on the cancer journey.
On Mon. as I wrote you last week, I went back to my new lovely sheitl/wig lady. Had my head totally shaved in half a second. and cried for a split moment -it reminded me of the Auschwitz people-stopped crying, thinking:
"I'm so glad that my mother doesn't have to see me like this." And I must say that it is such a relief-no hairs falling in my clothes, in my pajamas, in my sink, into everywhere. I am so so relieved!! It will grow again, and I cover it anyways. I bought a beautiful new wig especially coated on the inside for a bare skull to not hurt, and it looks lovely if I say so myself. This week I have worn pretty scarves altho' not so pretty on me. It makes the cancer obvious. But now I will also be able to wear a wig and look normal. Well, now you are up to date.

Checked out my bloody nose-could be from the chemo-so another antibiotic creme for the nose. don't say that life is not interesting. Chicken that I am, I wouldn't let the Dr. burn inside my nose-I opted for the cream only. Hope it works.
Bye once again.