ALL AT ONCE -SOME HAPPENINGS! JAN. 31-10

All at once, I developed a bladder infection, sores in the mouth, and nausea (as always) accompanied by extreme fatigue, plus my scalp shedding hair. Bang!

Somehow, the extreme nausea and fatigue really has me almost flat still. It is hard to enjoy much, although I am being served excellent food, lovely company, but I feel like a washed out rag. However, 'this too shall pass'. I know to be thankful that it is 'only breast cancer', and that I am and older woman without young children. I am thankful, but somewhat down. I am truly thankful for all those who come to sleep here, to invite me, etc. I wish I was better company.

Since hairs are appearing everywhere, tomorrow, I will take it all off. I had already prepared some head scarves. Will let you know how I deal with it all.

HAVE A GOOD DAY! As my doctor so casually says, 'CHIN UP!'

CHEMO #2 JAN. 25-09

Well, it is amazing at what you can get used to. I simply detested the idea of sitting in a cancer ward with so many ill people attached to machines, and so many looking so dreadful. Not that I am a picture to behold either. But here, time for second round of chemo, and I walk in like I was accustomed to it all. Thank G. it all went well, and besides nausea which I get very easily, so far, so good. Tomorrow is the injection which totally set me on fire last time, but perhaps I will be equally surpirsed this time.

A note to all going thru' this. Be sure to order your 'heetchaivut' in advance and not at the last minute. And be your own doctor-make sure the secretary schedules your next sessions as planned out-they can and do make mistakes!

I feel very blessed and wish it on anybody living alone-that you be surrounded by loving people and family to somewhat travel this road alonside of you. As a head nurse said to me, 'You need TLC right now'. Not a nurse at home, but caring people. Thank you all to all my long distance callers, e mailers, and people close to home for me.

Hopefully, after my injection #2, I will feel well enough to write by the end of the week.
bye for now

JAN. 24-10-FROM HALF UTOPIA BACK TO REALITY

I have kept myself away from this blog for a whole week, feeling 'normal', miraculously after the week prior, and just enjoying eating again and functioning almost as if I am really normal without cancer. Some reality kept creeping in-going for genetic testing for my family's knowledge and my own. I will not go into any details until after I get results in March.

A lesson learned today: never leave getting your 'heetchaivut' until the day before. It proved to be a major mistake, leading to tension and stress unnecessarily. You can not get in for your blood test and chemotherapy without this permission slip (heetchaivut) from your kupa (health clinic).

So now finally, at 7 p.m. I have my big permission to spend a day getting chemotherapy once again, and then 1 1/2 days later, to have the injection. I pray that I will be able to handle it as well as I did last time, which wasn't great, but I didn't collapse totally either. I even managed to continue to teach with no one noticing how ill I really felt, and to do my osteoporosis exercise, albeit very mildly.

How much I have enjoyed my meals this past week without feeling nauseous! Simple, nutritious and pleasant! There is so much in the daily routine to be so thankful for!My book of abundance that I keep on my computer keeps me grounded and thankful always-I have been writing there for years already-a list of at least 5 or more things daily that I am thankful for. In this blog, I concentrate more on existing with cancer .

Thank you to all who are wishing me well. I try to remember others who are suffering and wish all of us a recovery.

Until the next time that we meet to 'talk', be well-kol toov!

FROM THE RUMBLING CHAOTIC STORM WITHIN ME, TO A BREAK OF SUNSHINE AND SOME REAL EATING AND LIVING-JAN. 18-10

With the start of chemo plus the injection 2 days later, I could barely eat, let alone function. But I did somehow manage to teach, some light exercise and act like I was one of the civilized 'normal' healthy beings. But I subsisted on a touch of soup and a cracker if possible. I could not then imagine continuing on like this. I had the choice of this extra injection to really doubly attack the cancer within and also shorten the whole chemo period. By providence's miracle of miracles, by Fri. nite, Shabat, I went with my son to eat at neighbors whom I very much like. Somehow, I started to eat with the family, and even enjoyed it. I had never eaten this much in over a week. Shabat day was sunny, lovely, and although I could not stay long in services as I keep falling asleep and abhor huge crowds now (fear of catching other's illnesses), I very much enjoyed the lunch Sabbat meal with other friends. My body though kept calling me back to rest, rest, rest, which I do now more than ever. Hard to believe it is me. And so with this week 'free' from treatments, I am able to eat more (although quite often nauseous and need a pill to relieve that feeling). A stupid, lovely movie and a bowl of soup w. my dear cousin helped me feel less 'down' yesterday. And so, with this respite of a week, I will try to accept the next hard week to come with its violent aftermath. Perhaps, second time round, it will be less horrendous. Who knows? I keep remembering to be thankful that it is only breast cancer and hopefully contained. My hair has not fallen out yet, altho' I did go to get fitted for my new head covering.

I think I have rambled on enough. With all of the above, I am so thankful to be here, alive, surrounded with loving people who care and don't desert me with my 'kvetchiness'. Again, I thank any and all of my readers for their good prayers and wishes. I pray for many other sick people and for all the misfortunate souls in the world.
It is now the month of Shvat-new blossoms coming out, now some rain finally. Nature continues its course in life, birth and death. Somehow we or I have to learn that it is all part of 'the plan'.
Until next time, enjoy, enjoy and work on being healthy and thankful, I tell myself and wish for you all.

THE WAR IS RAGING-JAN. 14-10

WHAT A NIGHT! MY HEART ACHES FOR ALL THE PEOPLE OF HAITI, AND THEIR SUFFERING. YET, MY WAR IS RAGING WITHIN ME. A KIND NURSE TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT MY REDNESS IN FACE SHOWS THAT A WAR IS RAGING INSIDE. BELIEVE ME, LAST NIGHT I BARELY SLEPT-I COULD FEEL THE BATTLE INSIDE MY CAVITIES, MY STOMACH, MY RIB CAGE-HOT BURNING ONES. IT KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT. BUT I TRIED TO REST, FINALLY GOT UP TO GIVE MYSELF A HOT FOOT BATH TO SOOTHE MY SOUL AND FEET. THANK G. I HAD A SON AND GRANDAUGHTER IN ADJACENT BEDROOMS, JUST THERE, DIDN'T DISTURB THEM, BUT KNOWING THEY WERE THERE, WAS ENOUGH FOR ME.
THANK G. IT IS MORNING, AND ONCE AGAIN, I WILL TRY TO KEEP UP, GOING TO TEACH, ETC.

I AM SO THANKFUL FOR A NEW DAY, FOR HOPE FOR ALL SICK PEOPLE, FOR A REAL HELP TO AID THE PEOPLE OF HAITI AND ALL OVER WHO ARE AILING AND LOSING FAMILY MEMBERS.

HOW FORTUNATE WE REALLY ARE WITH ALL THAT WE HAVE, WHEN YOU READ OF THEIR POVERTY.
HAVE A NICE DAY!

p.s. Teaching today was as if nothing at all was wrong with me. I try not to show it on the surface, as that is not fair to my teacher students. But thank G. for this gift I have to be able to reach children and adults alike, to teach, be with, relate to, and perhaps influence thoughts, feelings, and actions in the world. As Rosh Chodesh approaches, despite all the difficult moments, and periods we have, as individuals, as families, as a people, let's try to think of all the good that we have and to look forward to, G. willing. This is not my preaching. It is what I know will help me.

AN UPDATE on my cancer journey -Jan. 13-10

I HAD MY SHOT TODAY, AND AM HOPING THAT I WILL NOT HAVE TOO BAD A RESULT OF FLU AND HEAVY ACHINESS. I DID GET FLUSHED CHEEKS DUE TO ONE OF THE MEDICINES. SOME NAUSEA PERSISTS BUT THANK G. NO REAL VOMITING. I AM CUTTING OUT ALL VOLUNTEERING FOR NOW, AND CONTINUE TO TEACH , TO GO TO OSTEOPOROSIS EXERCISE, AND TO TRY AND LEARN TO RELAX A BIT AT HOME MORE (THAT ONE IS HARD TO DO).

I feel very lucky to have a bit of home help through the government.

I HAVE BEEN LUCKY TO HAVE SONS HERE AT NIGHT JUST FOR 'TLC' REASSURANCE THAT I REALLY FEEL BADLY. SO FAR, THANK G. THEY SLEEP RIGHT THROUGH WITH NO DISTURBANCE FROM ME.

I HOPE THAT ALL OUT THERE WHO ARE GOING THRU' THIS, WILL HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH AND FAITH AND FEEL WELL.

THANK YOU TO ALL MY GUARDIAN ANGELS ALONG THIS JOURNEY OF CANCER.

jan. 11-10 FIRST CHEMOTHERAPY DAY

These write-ups are bascially for me, but if will help anyone going thru' such a time, I will be very pleased. Also, I simply cannot keep up with the many phone calls (thank G.) and I cannot give out details over and over again. So you have this option, or via e mails, which I always answer personally, whenever I can do it.

After avoiding and negating, the whole idea of chemo, it was now time to simply do it,if I want to extend years of my life, to see nachas, G. willing, so I'm doing it.
Woke up at 3 a.m. day of chemo, forced myself to read articles, fold clothes, do a Suduko of all things. I tried to act like normal.

Some wonderful angels were sent to me for this day. An acquaintance , now a good friend from my w.w. class had asked me weeks ago, 'if I would give her the honor to help me in any way during this time'. I really never planned to ask her, but as life works out, she was the only one available and did she assist. She was there before me at 7:40 a.m. to get me a number in line, to acquire a comfortable quiet corner for me to spend the day, to take my blood work to the lab, which must be done before each treatment to see of all blood is in order. D. sat with me all morning, and then insisted on going to my health center to acquire a new prescription for me; then she raced back to return my health card, which I never go without.
My son, who works in this hospital, brought the wonder harp lady to play for all of us, so relaxing and soothing. I was lucky to get a 20 min. reflexology session, thanks to a nurse who got me in. Somehow the order for my intravenous had not gone in early enough, so although I arrived at 7:40 a.m. I had to wait 3 hours to begin. In the meantime, the insert into my veins was dislodged, and my arm swelled. Only after pain, did I see it, and then we had to find specialist for this, to remove it, find another spot (my veins are not clear), and to prick again and insert.

My supportive cousin came rushing over at her lunch time to be there bringing me a sandwich from the cafeteria. DUring chemo, you cannot drink anything hot, which was the hardest thing for me, but cold water all day or ice. I managed to read the paper, relax alone a bit, and then another cancer patient, whom I recently befriended, dropped in as she was there for a test.

Finally, I was the last to finish my chemo. as I had started so late. It was a long day!
At home, I did get quite quite nageous couldnt
eat ordrink. Believe it or not, another angel, a nurse, called ME to see how I am. She insisted that I take a pain pill and eat something. My wonderful neighbor who had shopped for me cooked a veg. soup and brought over warm soup, which I managed to eat a bit of, another angel for me.

Lastly, my wonderful son came to sleep over and reassure me.
Now, the next day, Jan. 12, I am trying to live normally, but am limiting my excursions. I did do a short osteoporosis class and walked a bit. That's about it.
Well, this write-up again, is for me, and whomever can benefit from it.

I again thank each and everyone of you who is praying, wishing me in your own ways, good luck.
Tomorow, I get an injection to double whammy attack the poison, but from that I am likely to get severe pains in my bones and body, and it is not sure if I can withstand this treatment.
We shall see.

Hope I haven't bored any of you readers.
Refuah shlaima,a full recovery, to all who are ill.
This Shabat starts a new month of Shvat, when flowers start to bloom. May our health bloom as the flowers and trees, and give us pleasure.

THANK YOU TO ALL MY GUARDIAN ANGELS, CHILDREN, FAMILY, FRIENDS, NURSES.

JAN.8-10: ME, THE CHICKEN STARTS TO BE AGGRESSIVE

Well, enough of feeling sorry for myself. If I have to fight, then I will try to. My chemo starts this Mon. I am also trying an injection 1 1/2 days later to really kill the remnants. This second part of injection may give me much more pain than even the chemo effects, but I will give it a try. This is not a medical update here, just some basic facts. Sleep is evading me but the beautiful weather and beautiful family popping in and being here keep me more upbeat.
May this Shabat Mevorchim (bringing in a new month) give all of us people w. medical issues or other, new hope for a good week and a good month.

Bye for this time. Shabat Shalom!

G. GIVE ME THE GRACE TO ACCEPT....JAN. 4-10

I am so reluctant to write again, as I am so negative about accepting chemo as a solution. I know that I should and am grateful for having come thru' the operation and feeling so like myself for the past few weeks. I would like to just forget all about it, and just live. But I remind myself of the prayer: 'G. give the the grace to accept what I cannot change'. I think these are not the exact words. How can I dare complain when there are so many other really horrible things going on in this world? Yet, me as a mere human being, am self-absorbed right now, altho' I do ache for every misfortune that I read and hear about. But I pray, that I will get tough when I must to do what I must, and try to keep my dignity and be independent as much as possible. I guess that's what I fear a lot-losing my total independence. I try to not ask for much help or to put anyone else out. Yet I know that to receive is important as is giving, except that giving comes much easier for me.

I humbly thank some of my readers who are filling me up with love and encouragement by your encouraging comments. My family from abroad kept me alive and feeling loved these last few weeks, and I am sorry to see them gone back to their lives, as they must.



Hopefully, when I write next, I will be more upbeat and gracious and very thankful for the type of cancer that I have.

If you can identify with any of my mood, I wish you strength to keep upbeat and hopeful and knowing that we each have to go thru' this life with smooth and rocky times. Sometimes, as it is now for me, the boat really rocks.

Bye for now.