HELLO ONCE AGAIN:
WELL, A MONTH HAS PASSED SINCE I LAST WROTE. SOMEHOW I DON'T FIND THE TIME TO SIT AND WRITE IN MY BLOG. WHEN I DO WRITE, I WRITE MY OWN POEMS AND PRAYERS IN BOTH HEBREW AND ENGLISH, AND WORK ON PROCESSING QUESTIONS FROM MY BIBLE STUDY COURSE.
BUT I FEEL I MUST RETURN TO THIS BLOG PERIODICALLY TO KEEP ABREAST OF MYSELF. THE CHRONIC UTICARA, WHICH I HAVE, GAVE ME 3 MONTHS OF GREAT DISCOMFORT. HOPEFULLY, IT IS ALMOST SOLVED, THRU' MANY DIFFERENT DRUGS. BUT IT APPEARS THAT MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IS VERY LOW, ATTRIBUTED BY MY ALLERGY SPECIALISTS AS A REACTION TO THE CHEMOTHERAPY AND RADIATION AND ALL THAT THIS ENTAILED. I KEEP TRYING TO EAT HEALTHY IMMUNE BOOSTING FOODS, WHICH I DID ANYWAYS ALL ALONG. MY FATIGUE APPARENTLY IS PARTLY CAUSED BY THE LOW FUNCTIONING IMMUNE SOURCES. IT SEEMS LIKE A VICIOUS CIRCLE.
AFTER MY RECENT MAMMOGRAM WHICH THANK G. SHOWED ALL O'KAY, I HAD AN ULTRA SOUND WHICH AT THIS POINT IS A CONSTANT FOR ME. THE RADIOLOGIST FOUND SOMETHING 'SUSPICIOUS' IN THE SAME BREAST AND TALKED ABOUT A BIOPSY. I WAS TOTALLY STUNNED!
BUT HE WENT BACK TO THE COMPUTER IMAGING OF MY OPERATION TIME IN NOV. 09, SAW THAT THEN THEY HAD SEEN A FIBREDENOMA. PERHAPS THIS WAS THE SAME THING? HAD IT GROWN? HE DECIDED TO LET ME WAIT 3 MONTHS AND THEN DO THE PROCEDURE AGAIN, AND THEN DO A BIOPSY IF HE SAW GROWTH CHANGES.
BOTH MY GENERAL DOCTOR, AND MY ONCOLOGIST, AND MY SURGEON, FELT WE NEED TO LOOK FURTHER NOW. SO I AM GETTING A SECOND OPINION NEXT WEEK AT 'HALLA' CENTRE, AND THEN IF THE TOP RADIOLOGIST THERE FELT IT IS NEEDED, HE WILL DO A BIOPSY ON THE SPOT.
ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT ALL THE FEARS, WORRIES, ARE BACK IN FULL FORCE. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO PUT OUT THE 3,000 SHEKELS APPROX. AS MY KUPAH IS NOT COVERED. AFTER A BIT OF SOUL SEARCHING, I DECIDED I AM WORTH IT. SO I SAY TO MYSELF AGAIN-LIVE NOW THE BEST YOU CAN. I KNOW THAT EVENTUALLY, AND NOT TOO SOON AN EVENTUAL, I WILL LEAVE THIS PLACE, BUT I WANT TO LIVE AND SEE MORE GOOD THINGS IN THE FAMILY AND AROUND ME.
SOME ILLNESSES COME AND GO. BUT IN OTHERS, LIKE HEART PROBLEMS, CANCER, ETC., THE FEAR LINGERS ON WHETHER SURFACING OR NOT.
I PRAY FOR ALL OF US IN THIS SHIP, FOR COURAGE TO DEAL WITH IT ALL, AND HOPE ABOVE ALL.
G. BLESS
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
NOV. 24-2-11 GROWING NOT OLDER, BUT 'UP'
SHALOM!
I AM CONSTANTLY AMAZED AT MYSELF. HERE I AM, IN LATER YEARS, AND I AM LEARNING NOW TO BE MORE AND MORE INDEPENDENT, TO DO THINGS I WOULD NEVER HAVE DARED TO DO BEFORE, TO LIVE AND LIVE AND TO ENJOY WHATEVER I CAN IN A MODEST AMOUNT. SOMEHOW, I WAS ALWAYS FEARFUL OF MAKING A MISTAKE, OF DOING THE WRONG THING, WHAT OTHERS WOULD THINK OF ME. AND NOW, SUDDENLY, I AM FILLED WITH MORE SELF-CONFIDENCE, AND DON'T WAIT FOR OTHERS TO FILL MY NEEDS OF 'SOMEONE TO GO WITH'.
PERHAPS IT IS THE RESULT OF LIVING THRU' AND WITH CANCER, WITH ALL THE AFTER-EFFECTS WHICH STILL ARE THERE IN DIFFERENT SHADES AND INTENSITY. I KNOW THAT I AM SO MUCH MORE COGNIZANT OF TIME RACING BY, SIMPLY RACING, AND OF MY LIFE'S LONGEVITY AT ONE END OF THE SPHERE.
AND SO, WHY DO I SHARE THIS WITH YOU? MOSTLY IT IS FOR MYSELF -BUT NONE OF US KNOW HOW LONG WE HAVE ON THIS EARTH, AND IF YOU TOO ARE HESITANT TO LIVE AND ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS ON EARTH OR THE NOT SO SIMPLE THINGS, PLACES, AND PEOPLE, I SAY-GO FOR IT. ALL WE HAVE IS NOW-YESTERDAY IS GONE-WE CAN'T CHANGE THAT. TOMORROW IS A QUESTION FOR ALL OF US-HEALTHY PEOPLE OR WITH AILMENTS. SO I AM TEACHING MYSELF TO ENJOY DAILY-A GOOD WALK IN THE SUN, TO SIT OUTSIDE IN A COFFEE SHOP ON NICE DAYS, TO READ WHEN SLEEP ELUDES ME, TO LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC, WHATEVER YOUR OR MY TASTE.
BELONGING TO A CANCER GROUP WHERE WE LEARN PARSHAT HASHUVA AS WELL AS DISCUSS LIFE ISSUES, HAS LED ME TO MUCH QUESTIONING RE FAITH AND EMUNA. BUT I GROPE, READ, ASK NON STOP QUESTIONS, AND AM NOW WRITING MY OWN PRAYERS-IN HEBREW AND ENGLISH. OUR INSTRUCTOR HAS BEEN MOST SUPPORTIVE AND ENCOURAGING IN ALL THESE MATTERS, WHICH HAS SPURRED ME ON.
SO-TO ANY READERS-IF POSSIBLE, LET'S NOT CLOSE OURSELVES OFF FROM OTHER HUMAN BEINGS-COMMUNICATION, CLOSENESS, OPENESS IS SO IMPORTANT AS WELL AS OUR PRIVACY AND QUIET TIMES.
UNTIL WE MEET HERE IN MY BLOG NEXT TIME
BE WELL.
I AM CONSTANTLY AMAZED AT MYSELF. HERE I AM, IN LATER YEARS, AND I AM LEARNING NOW TO BE MORE AND MORE INDEPENDENT, TO DO THINGS I WOULD NEVER HAVE DARED TO DO BEFORE, TO LIVE AND LIVE AND TO ENJOY WHATEVER I CAN IN A MODEST AMOUNT. SOMEHOW, I WAS ALWAYS FEARFUL OF MAKING A MISTAKE, OF DOING THE WRONG THING, WHAT OTHERS WOULD THINK OF ME. AND NOW, SUDDENLY, I AM FILLED WITH MORE SELF-CONFIDENCE, AND DON'T WAIT FOR OTHERS TO FILL MY NEEDS OF 'SOMEONE TO GO WITH'.
PERHAPS IT IS THE RESULT OF LIVING THRU' AND WITH CANCER, WITH ALL THE AFTER-EFFECTS WHICH STILL ARE THERE IN DIFFERENT SHADES AND INTENSITY. I KNOW THAT I AM SO MUCH MORE COGNIZANT OF TIME RACING BY, SIMPLY RACING, AND OF MY LIFE'S LONGEVITY AT ONE END OF THE SPHERE.
AND SO, WHY DO I SHARE THIS WITH YOU? MOSTLY IT IS FOR MYSELF -BUT NONE OF US KNOW HOW LONG WE HAVE ON THIS EARTH, AND IF YOU TOO ARE HESITANT TO LIVE AND ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS ON EARTH OR THE NOT SO SIMPLE THINGS, PLACES, AND PEOPLE, I SAY-GO FOR IT. ALL WE HAVE IS NOW-YESTERDAY IS GONE-WE CAN'T CHANGE THAT. TOMORROW IS A QUESTION FOR ALL OF US-HEALTHY PEOPLE OR WITH AILMENTS. SO I AM TEACHING MYSELF TO ENJOY DAILY-A GOOD WALK IN THE SUN, TO SIT OUTSIDE IN A COFFEE SHOP ON NICE DAYS, TO READ WHEN SLEEP ELUDES ME, TO LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC, WHATEVER YOUR OR MY TASTE.
BELONGING TO A CANCER GROUP WHERE WE LEARN PARSHAT HASHUVA AS WELL AS DISCUSS LIFE ISSUES, HAS LED ME TO MUCH QUESTIONING RE FAITH AND EMUNA. BUT I GROPE, READ, ASK NON STOP QUESTIONS, AND AM NOW WRITING MY OWN PRAYERS-IN HEBREW AND ENGLISH. OUR INSTRUCTOR HAS BEEN MOST SUPPORTIVE AND ENCOURAGING IN ALL THESE MATTERS, WHICH HAS SPURRED ME ON.
SO-TO ANY READERS-IF POSSIBLE, LET'S NOT CLOSE OURSELVES OFF FROM OTHER HUMAN BEINGS-COMMUNICATION, CLOSENESS, OPENESS IS SO IMPORTANT AS WELL AS OUR PRIVACY AND QUIET TIMES.
UNTIL WE MEET HERE IN MY BLOG NEXT TIME
BE WELL.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
OCT. 30-2011 ALONG MY JOURNEY IN LIFE
SHALOM!
AS I WROTE IN MY LAST BLOG, I AM SO ACCEPTING OF ANY OTHER AILMENT AS LONG AS IT IS NOT CANCER. BUT I SURE DO PAY THE PRICE. THE HIVES, WHICH SOUND SO TRIVIAL, ENDED UP IN A MAJOR RAVAGING OF MY BODY, MY LIPS, MY WHOLE BEING. IT WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED AS BUGS IN MY BED-THEREFORE, BOIL EVERY SHEET, TOWEL, CLOTHING ETC. MAKE PESACH TOTAL IN YOUR BED. DONE. -DIDN'T WORK. LEFT MY BED FOR A MONTH-WHEREVER I SLEPT, I WAS AWAKENED COVERED WITH HIVES FROM SCALP TO FEET. MY STOMACH WAS FINALLY LIKE A PATCH OF KALANIYOT. I COULD NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR PLUS...
AFTER ONE HISTAMINE, AND A STRONGER ONE, AND MANY DR. VISITS, I FINALLY ENDED UP IN 'TEREM' EMERGENCY, FOR EVEN A STRONGER HISTAMINE. LAST STOP WAS A ONE DAY TRIP TO A MAJOR ISRAELI HOSPITAL FOR FULL BODY TESTING FROM VARIOUS DRS., BLOOD WORK ETC. THANKS TO MY SON. IT SEEMS THAT ALTHO' I KNOW THAT I HAVE 'CHRONIC CUTICARIA'-THAT IS, I BREAK OUT EVERY FEW YEARS IN HIVES, WITH NO WAY TO KNOW WHAT IT'S FROM, THIS WAS A MAJOR ATTACK-IT SEEMS THAT MY IMMUNE SYSTEM (PROBABLY FROM THE CANCER TREATMENTS) WAS VERY LOW, AND THAT MY BODY WAS ATTACKING ITS OWN CELLS. SO I AM NOW ON HIGH STEROIDS FOR A FEW WEEKS. THANK G. TO FIND A DR. WHO KNOWS WHAT HE/SHE IS DOING. MORE TEST ARE YET TO COME, BUT I AM FINALLY SOMEWHAT HUMAN AFTER AT LEAST 3 STRAIGHT MONTHS OF 'TORTURE'.
I MUST LEARN TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ALL AILMENTS, ALTH' I DID. MY REGULAR DR. JUST POO-POOED IT EXCEPT TO GIVE ME A PILL AND SCARE ME THAT I HAD BUGS CRAWLING ABOUT ON ME AND WAS BITTEN. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT FEELING?
I AM SLOWLY LEARNING TO ACCEPT MORE AND MORE THAT LIFE HAS ITS CONSTANT CONSTANT UPS AND DOWNS IN PHYSICAL HAPPENINGS, IN PERSONAL HAPPENINGS, IN LIFE ITSELF. I REALIZE MORE AND MORE WHEN I FEEL SO WEAK THAT NO WONDER WE ALL DIE AT SOME POINT-WE WEAR OUT. BUT EACH DAY I THANK G. FOR BEING ALIVE TODAY, AND TRY TO ENJOY AND LIVE WELL WHATEVER TIME I HAVE. SIMPLY SAID-A CHALLENGE TO DO.
TWICE IN THE PAST FEW DAYS I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT I AM NOW 'OLD'. I FOUND IT SHOCKING. I KNOW THAT I AM OF GOOD AGE-74, BUT OLD? I WANT TO LIVE AND LIVE AND SEE MORE GRANDCHILDREN GET MARRIED, GET BAR MITZVAED, ETC. SO SINCE I CAN'T TOTALLY CONTROL ANY OF THIS, I STRIVE TO EAT HEALTHY, TO EXERCISE, TO BREATHE, TO SMILE, TO LIVE, TO LEARN.
I SEND OUT MY SINCERE WISHES TO ANY READER FOR GOOD HEALTH AND A GOOD PAYING OF ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN NEEDS.
AS NOVEMBER IS ALMOST HERE, LET'S HOPE FOR GOOD THINGS.
AS I WROTE IN MY LAST BLOG, I AM SO ACCEPTING OF ANY OTHER AILMENT AS LONG AS IT IS NOT CANCER. BUT I SURE DO PAY THE PRICE. THE HIVES, WHICH SOUND SO TRIVIAL, ENDED UP IN A MAJOR RAVAGING OF MY BODY, MY LIPS, MY WHOLE BEING. IT WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED AS BUGS IN MY BED-THEREFORE, BOIL EVERY SHEET, TOWEL, CLOTHING ETC. MAKE PESACH TOTAL IN YOUR BED. DONE. -DIDN'T WORK. LEFT MY BED FOR A MONTH-WHEREVER I SLEPT, I WAS AWAKENED COVERED WITH HIVES FROM SCALP TO FEET. MY STOMACH WAS FINALLY LIKE A PATCH OF KALANIYOT. I COULD NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR PLUS...
AFTER ONE HISTAMINE, AND A STRONGER ONE, AND MANY DR. VISITS, I FINALLY ENDED UP IN 'TEREM' EMERGENCY, FOR EVEN A STRONGER HISTAMINE. LAST STOP WAS A ONE DAY TRIP TO A MAJOR ISRAELI HOSPITAL FOR FULL BODY TESTING FROM VARIOUS DRS., BLOOD WORK ETC. THANKS TO MY SON. IT SEEMS THAT ALTHO' I KNOW THAT I HAVE 'CHRONIC CUTICARIA'-THAT IS, I BREAK OUT EVERY FEW YEARS IN HIVES, WITH NO WAY TO KNOW WHAT IT'S FROM, THIS WAS A MAJOR ATTACK-IT SEEMS THAT MY IMMUNE SYSTEM (PROBABLY FROM THE CANCER TREATMENTS) WAS VERY LOW, AND THAT MY BODY WAS ATTACKING ITS OWN CELLS. SO I AM NOW ON HIGH STEROIDS FOR A FEW WEEKS. THANK G. TO FIND A DR. WHO KNOWS WHAT HE/SHE IS DOING. MORE TEST ARE YET TO COME, BUT I AM FINALLY SOMEWHAT HUMAN AFTER AT LEAST 3 STRAIGHT MONTHS OF 'TORTURE'.
I MUST LEARN TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ALL AILMENTS, ALTH' I DID. MY REGULAR DR. JUST POO-POOED IT EXCEPT TO GIVE ME A PILL AND SCARE ME THAT I HAD BUGS CRAWLING ABOUT ON ME AND WAS BITTEN. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT FEELING?
I AM SLOWLY LEARNING TO ACCEPT MORE AND MORE THAT LIFE HAS ITS CONSTANT CONSTANT UPS AND DOWNS IN PHYSICAL HAPPENINGS, IN PERSONAL HAPPENINGS, IN LIFE ITSELF. I REALIZE MORE AND MORE WHEN I FEEL SO WEAK THAT NO WONDER WE ALL DIE AT SOME POINT-WE WEAR OUT. BUT EACH DAY I THANK G. FOR BEING ALIVE TODAY, AND TRY TO ENJOY AND LIVE WELL WHATEVER TIME I HAVE. SIMPLY SAID-A CHALLENGE TO DO.
TWICE IN THE PAST FEW DAYS I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT I AM NOW 'OLD'. I FOUND IT SHOCKING. I KNOW THAT I AM OF GOOD AGE-74, BUT OLD? I WANT TO LIVE AND LIVE AND SEE MORE GRANDCHILDREN GET MARRIED, GET BAR MITZVAED, ETC. SO SINCE I CAN'T TOTALLY CONTROL ANY OF THIS, I STRIVE TO EAT HEALTHY, TO EXERCISE, TO BREATHE, TO SMILE, TO LIVE, TO LEARN.
I SEND OUT MY SINCERE WISHES TO ANY READER FOR GOOD HEALTH AND A GOOD PAYING OF ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN NEEDS.
AS NOVEMBER IS ALMOST HERE, LET'S HOPE FOR GOOD THINGS.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
OCT. 3-2011 SOME THOUGHTS
HELLO TO MY BLOG :
AS time goes on, new challenges, and each one, however painful, bothersome, worrisome for the time, I keep reminding myself that this is not cancer, this is not cancer. Often it takes me time to have another test to reassure myself that this is indeed not a symptom of cancer in my body.
so hives, bladder infection, jaw pain, fatigue all continue to come and go, and I try to breeze thru' each new challenge. The regular breast examinations, pelvic and abdominal tests, keep me I hope under good observation.
My mind still grapples with faith-are we just mere human beings like the animals, the ants, the flowers, who have a certain amount of time on earth, partly in good health, partly suffering until the ultimate death which comes to all. Is there really an upper one G. who is setting out our individual trials and ultimate time of death? What/whom is G.? And so I read and read and observe people, nature, our faith and ponder constantly. Perhaps I will never have a definite answer-I know that I belong to our people, to our faith and tradition, and welcome that with open arms.
I will never take life for granted-each day, each hour is so very precious-to live and enjoy as best we can-to do some good while we can physically and mentally.
I pray for all those who are suffering for a recovery as best can be and for the strength to deal with what we must do.
Until the next time,
'bye for now
AS time goes on, new challenges, and each one, however painful, bothersome, worrisome for the time, I keep reminding myself that this is not cancer, this is not cancer. Often it takes me time to have another test to reassure myself that this is indeed not a symptom of cancer in my body.
so hives, bladder infection, jaw pain, fatigue all continue to come and go, and I try to breeze thru' each new challenge. The regular breast examinations, pelvic and abdominal tests, keep me I hope under good observation.
My mind still grapples with faith-are we just mere human beings like the animals, the ants, the flowers, who have a certain amount of time on earth, partly in good health, partly suffering until the ultimate death which comes to all. Is there really an upper one G. who is setting out our individual trials and ultimate time of death? What/whom is G.? And so I read and read and observe people, nature, our faith and ponder constantly. Perhaps I will never have a definite answer-I know that I belong to our people, to our faith and tradition, and welcome that with open arms.
I will never take life for granted-each day, each hour is so very precious-to live and enjoy as best we can-to do some good while we can physically and mentally.
I pray for all those who are suffering for a recovery as best can be and for the strength to deal with what we must do.
Until the next time,
'bye for now
Sunday, September 11, 2011
SEPT. 11, 2011 BEFORE I FORGET THINGS.....
SHALOM!
I SEE THAT WITH AGE AND WITH THINGS OF THE PAST, I FORGET AND I NEED /WANT TO REMEMBER THE SEQUENCE OF MY CANCER FOR MY OWN REASONS.
SO I HAVE GONE BACK AND I ENCLOSE A SEQUENCE OF IMPORTANT DATES (AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO ACCURATE) UP TO DATE.
OCT. 21-09 REGULAR YEARLY MAMMOGRAM -TURIM
IMMEDIATE ULTRA SOUND -ALL AT TURIM
IMMEDIATE BIOPSY AT MISGAV LEDACH
NOV. 30-09 -RIGHT BREAST OPERATION-SHAREI TZEDEK-DR. ULSHA- SURGEON
JAN. 10, 2010-BEGIN CHEMOTHERAPY-ONCOLOGIST DR. CHERNY-SHAREI TZEDEK
DOUBLE WHAMMY-EVERY 17 DAYS
JAN. 24-2010-GENETIC TESTING-SHAREI TZEDEK
MARCH 2011-I INSISTED ON PUTTING A PORT IN, AS I HAD A PROBLEM WITH MY VEINS, AND HAD SWOLLEN ARM ETC.
JUNE 14-2010-BEGAN RADIATION AT HADASSAH EIN KAREM FOR 3 WEEKS-5 DAYS/WEEK
SIDE EFFECTS ALONG THE PROCESS
-SWOLLEN ARM WHERE BLOOD IS TAKEN AND NEEDLES PUT IN
-BAD BREATH
-NAUSEA NON-STOP
-TINGLING OF TOES UNTIL NOW
-EXTREME FATIGUE UNTIL NOW
-RIGHT ARM AND SHOULDER VERY PAINFUL AND IMPOSSIBLE TO DRESS ETC.
FINALLY WENT TO TEL HASHOMER TO DR. MOSHE CHAIM DAHAN FOR 3 SUCCESSIVE
SHOTS IN SHOULDER OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, FOLLOWED BY PHYSIO THERAPY UNTIL SEPT. 2011 WITH YOSEF AT MEUCHEDET-
NOW IN SEPT. 2011-FINALLY ALMOST NORMAL
-JAW FROZEN AND VERY PAINFUL-NO CURE EXCEPT MONTHS OF TIME-AND NOW
SEPT. 2011-NOT QUITE BACK TO NORMAL YET
-MENTAL FEAR OF DEATH/FEEL THE ANGEL OF DEATH ON ONE SIDE OF ME-FAITH QUESTIONED CONSTANTLY
-2 YEARS AFTER ALL OF THIS, FINALLY TOOK A TRIP TO MY ORIGINAL HOME BASE FAR AWAY
-NOW SEPT. 2011 STILL BEING CHECKED EVERY 3-4 MONTHS
-STILL JAW SOMEWHAT PROBLEMATIC
-FATIGUE STILL A KEY FIGURE
-TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC AND TO ENJOY LIFE
2009-2010-2011
IF THIS BLOG HELPS ANYONE OUT THERE. I AM PLEASED. IT IS MAINLY FOR MY RECALL, WHEN AND IF NEEDED IN THE FUTURE.
REFUAH SHLAIMAH /GOOD HEALTH FOR ALL READERS!
I SEE THAT WITH AGE AND WITH THINGS OF THE PAST, I FORGET AND I NEED /WANT TO REMEMBER THE SEQUENCE OF MY CANCER FOR MY OWN REASONS.
SO I HAVE GONE BACK AND I ENCLOSE A SEQUENCE OF IMPORTANT DATES (AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO ACCURATE) UP TO DATE.
OCT. 21-09 REGULAR YEARLY MAMMOGRAM -TURIM
IMMEDIATE ULTRA SOUND -ALL AT TURIM
IMMEDIATE BIOPSY AT MISGAV LEDACH
NOV. 30-09 -RIGHT BREAST OPERATION-SHAREI TZEDEK-DR. ULSHA- SURGEON
JAN. 10, 2010-BEGIN CHEMOTHERAPY-ONCOLOGIST DR. CHERNY-SHAREI TZEDEK
DOUBLE WHAMMY-EVERY 17 DAYS
JAN. 24-2010-GENETIC TESTING-SHAREI TZEDEK
MARCH 2011-I INSISTED ON PUTTING A PORT IN, AS I HAD A PROBLEM WITH MY VEINS, AND HAD SWOLLEN ARM ETC.
JUNE 14-2010-BEGAN RADIATION AT HADASSAH EIN KAREM FOR 3 WEEKS-5 DAYS/WEEK
SIDE EFFECTS ALONG THE PROCESS
-SWOLLEN ARM WHERE BLOOD IS TAKEN AND NEEDLES PUT IN
-BAD BREATH
-NAUSEA NON-STOP
-TINGLING OF TOES UNTIL NOW
-EXTREME FATIGUE UNTIL NOW
-RIGHT ARM AND SHOULDER VERY PAINFUL AND IMPOSSIBLE TO DRESS ETC.
FINALLY WENT TO TEL HASHOMER TO DR. MOSHE CHAIM DAHAN FOR 3 SUCCESSIVE
SHOTS IN SHOULDER OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, FOLLOWED BY PHYSIO THERAPY UNTIL SEPT. 2011 WITH YOSEF AT MEUCHEDET-
NOW IN SEPT. 2011-FINALLY ALMOST NORMAL
-JAW FROZEN AND VERY PAINFUL-NO CURE EXCEPT MONTHS OF TIME-AND NOW
SEPT. 2011-NOT QUITE BACK TO NORMAL YET
-MENTAL FEAR OF DEATH/FEEL THE ANGEL OF DEATH ON ONE SIDE OF ME-FAITH QUESTIONED CONSTANTLY
-2 YEARS AFTER ALL OF THIS, FINALLY TOOK A TRIP TO MY ORIGINAL HOME BASE FAR AWAY
-NOW SEPT. 2011 STILL BEING CHECKED EVERY 3-4 MONTHS
-STILL JAW SOMEWHAT PROBLEMATIC
-FATIGUE STILL A KEY FIGURE
-TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC AND TO ENJOY LIFE
2009-2010-2011
IF THIS BLOG HELPS ANYONE OUT THERE. I AM PLEASED. IT IS MAINLY FOR MY RECALL, WHEN AND IF NEEDED IN THE FUTURE.
REFUAH SHLAIMAH /GOOD HEALTH FOR ALL READERS!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
AUG. 24-2011 MY JOURNEY
HELLO:
I HAD A CHECK-UP W. MY SURGEON MANUALLY, AND THANK G. O'KAY. NOW TO FOLLOW UP W. A MAMMOGRAM AND ULTRA SOUND, WHICH IS WHAT FOUND IT ORIGINALLY.
I CONTINUE MY FATIGUE TO THE EXTREME, AND WILL REQUEST FULL BLOOD TESTS TO SEE WHAT COULD BE CAUSING ALL OF THIS. I AM RELYING NOW ON SLEEPING PILLS UNFORTUNATELY, BUT OTHERWISE I SIMPLY DON'T SLEEP. HOPEFULLY, MY BODY WILL READJUST.
SO I AM HANGING IN THERE. TRYING TO ENJOY WHAT I CAN EACH DAY BEFORE I SIMPLY 'PETER' OUT AND STOP 'DOING'. HOPE THAT ANY READER HERE IS FEELING BETTER AND COPING AND ENJOYING WHAT SHE/HE CAN.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.
ALL THE BEST TO ALL OF US!
I HAD A CHECK-UP W. MY SURGEON MANUALLY, AND THANK G. O'KAY. NOW TO FOLLOW UP W. A MAMMOGRAM AND ULTRA SOUND, WHICH IS WHAT FOUND IT ORIGINALLY.
I CONTINUE MY FATIGUE TO THE EXTREME, AND WILL REQUEST FULL BLOOD TESTS TO SEE WHAT COULD BE CAUSING ALL OF THIS. I AM RELYING NOW ON SLEEPING PILLS UNFORTUNATELY, BUT OTHERWISE I SIMPLY DON'T SLEEP. HOPEFULLY, MY BODY WILL READJUST.
SO I AM HANGING IN THERE. TRYING TO ENJOY WHAT I CAN EACH DAY BEFORE I SIMPLY 'PETER' OUT AND STOP 'DOING'. HOPE THAT ANY READER HERE IS FEELING BETTER AND COPING AND ENJOYING WHAT SHE/HE CAN.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.
ALL THE BEST TO ALL OF US!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
AUG. 5-2011 ALONG MY CANCER JOURNEY
SHALOM!
As I wrote in my previous blog, a month and a half ago, I finally, after 2 years ,travelled abroad to my home basis of old, where my friends are, where I drive, where I know where to shop, to enjoy, and visit libraries daily and read, and read, and read.
Thank G. I had a wonderful new reality for this period, although inside I knew what possibilities lie within me to have new worries again. But I pushed it away, and just enjoyed the friendships, the love, that I received. Fatigue was my constant companion, partly due to jet lag, and perhaps fatigue is simply part of me now, as it has never left my side.
I have no regrets about the trip-I would do it all over again next year, if life allows me to.
I wish on any readers of this blog to find acceptance, love, friendship around you, as this is what sustains me. There are such good people, carrying and exhibiting godliness all around. I am so thankful for all of you who do reach out to others along your path.
That's it for a starter. I came back and attended a learning day at my cancer society-very meaningful-meditation, followed by a study in the Talmud of what Bikur Cholim means and how to use it in our lives, plus a talk by the head of the center re life/death issues. I am so glad that I went, despite the fact that I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PART OF ANY CANCER GROUP.
Never say never!
Refuah Shlaimah to all of us.
Until next time.
As I wrote in my previous blog, a month and a half ago, I finally, after 2 years ,travelled abroad to my home basis of old, where my friends are, where I drive, where I know where to shop, to enjoy, and visit libraries daily and read, and read, and read.
Thank G. I had a wonderful new reality for this period, although inside I knew what possibilities lie within me to have new worries again. But I pushed it away, and just enjoyed the friendships, the love, that I received. Fatigue was my constant companion, partly due to jet lag, and perhaps fatigue is simply part of me now, as it has never left my side.
I have no regrets about the trip-I would do it all over again next year, if life allows me to.
I wish on any readers of this blog to find acceptance, love, friendship around you, as this is what sustains me. There are such good people, carrying and exhibiting godliness all around. I am so thankful for all of you who do reach out to others along your path.
That's it for a starter. I came back and attended a learning day at my cancer society-very meaningful-meditation, followed by a study in the Talmud of what Bikur Cholim means and how to use it in our lives, plus a talk by the head of the center re life/death issues. I am so glad that I went, despite the fact that I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PART OF ANY CANCER GROUP.
Never say never!
Refuah Shlaimah to all of us.
Until next time.
Friday, July 1, 2011
JULY 1, 2011 TRACKING MY FEELINGS ALONG LIFE'S PATH
SHALOM!
Well, thank G. there is no tumor of the jaw. But the pain is real, although it is a bit less. It is amazing that you can get used to living with pain, and accepting it as almost normal. But I am very thankful that it is not worse or excruciating at this point. I am trying to some jaw execises as well as for the shoulder, all on the right side.
As I prepare to leave for a month's break after 2 years of not travelling, I am constantly aware to be so thankful for every kind person and action, and aware of how many wonderful people there are. This helps me not focus on the negative ones that are also around.
I am lucky to have found outlets where I am accepted and liked as I am, and where I feel comfortable. I am learning and observing which situations are not good for me and to stop going there.
So I may not write until I am back at my own desk again. I wish each and every one of us good health and courage to cope with what life hands us.
Until the next time,
Shalom.
chaya bat sara bayla and a speedy recovery to those who need it.
Well, thank G. there is no tumor of the jaw. But the pain is real, although it is a bit less. It is amazing that you can get used to living with pain, and accepting it as almost normal. But I am very thankful that it is not worse or excruciating at this point. I am trying to some jaw execises as well as for the shoulder, all on the right side.
As I prepare to leave for a month's break after 2 years of not travelling, I am constantly aware to be so thankful for every kind person and action, and aware of how many wonderful people there are. This helps me not focus on the negative ones that are also around.
I am lucky to have found outlets where I am accepted and liked as I am, and where I feel comfortable. I am learning and observing which situations are not good for me and to stop going there.
So I may not write until I am back at my own desk again. I wish each and every one of us good health and courage to cope with what life hands us.
Until the next time,
Shalom.
chaya bat sara bayla and a speedy recovery to those who need it.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
JUNE 20-2011 AN UPDATE FOR ME TO KEEP TRACK
HI!
WELL, one month later, and am finally going to have a CT scan of my jaw. I have to be most careful of what I bite into-no carrot, cucumber, crust of bread, etc. Even when I eat softer food, I have to be careful. The pain is certainly much less critical than originally, but my oncologist wants to rule out a tumor and then send me to a jaw specialist. I am trying to think that I really just dislocated my jaw, rather than anything more serious, but the fact of both right shoulder and right jaw seems rather weird to me, on same side as operation and radiation and cutting into a lymph node. But soon enough, I hope to know.
In the meantime, so far, so good. Breast seems clear right now. I am anticipating a trip which I have not taken in 2 years and am excited yet quite uptight about moving away from my spot of hibernation, my home, my somewhat haven.
The cancer group I seem to have really bonded with continues to give marvellous support. I encourage anyone who needs or wants to associate with a group that truly understands, to try one or more places out. The first group I attended was not of my liking at all, and I finally quit. But I tried this new place and get good moral support and even fun activities that they offer.
In the meantime, here's hoping for all of us that we read and share good news about others in the same boat.
All the best until next time.
WELL, one month later, and am finally going to have a CT scan of my jaw. I have to be most careful of what I bite into-no carrot, cucumber, crust of bread, etc. Even when I eat softer food, I have to be careful. The pain is certainly much less critical than originally, but my oncologist wants to rule out a tumor and then send me to a jaw specialist. I am trying to think that I really just dislocated my jaw, rather than anything more serious, but the fact of both right shoulder and right jaw seems rather weird to me, on same side as operation and radiation and cutting into a lymph node. But soon enough, I hope to know.
In the meantime, so far, so good. Breast seems clear right now. I am anticipating a trip which I have not taken in 2 years and am excited yet quite uptight about moving away from my spot of hibernation, my home, my somewhat haven.
The cancer group I seem to have really bonded with continues to give marvellous support. I encourage anyone who needs or wants to associate with a group that truly understands, to try one or more places out. The first group I attended was not of my liking at all, and I finally quit. But I tried this new place and get good moral support and even fun activities that they offer.
In the meantime, here's hoping for all of us that we read and share good news about others in the same boat.
All the best until next time.
Friday, May 27, 2011
MAY 27-11 ALONG MY CANCER JOURNEY
HELLO:
Wow, it has been quite a while since I last wrote a month ago. I do write in another section of my Gratitude Journal, and in my Thought section.
To catch myself up on my journey. I am thank G. doing o'kay so far. I had quite a fright with severe pain in my right jaw. My immediate real panic was that I have jaw cancer. The info on the internet truly scared me. A dentist ruled out a tooth problem. But slowly, slowly, the pain has diminished. I have to me somewhat careful what I bite on of hard substenance. Hopefully, another crisis over with.
I continue to go in regularly, every 2 months to have my 'port' cleaned. They will not remove it for at least 2 years. Now, in June, I have 2 appts. to check with both oncologist and my surgeon.
In my cancer group of study, it seems that I often mention how fatigued I am. Which I truly am, not at all like during the whole period post operation, mid chemo and radiation period. But never the less, I am always tired, always, always. My group leader tried psycho-drama on me. Now I am trying to use my thoughts to visualize-LET IT GO, LET IT GO~. Not to dwell on worries, possibilities, should haves, etc. I have for a long time, eliminated the should have, would have, could haves' in my thinking. But now I am adding on : LET IT GO, LET IT GO. Not to think and think, but to GO WITH THE FLOW. Perhaps my worrisome habit is helping to keep me tired so much. I am doing it, but still feel the tiredness. But it is a good road to stay on, non the less.
I had a birthday this week. Last year on my birthday, I was lying in Sharei Tzedek getting chemo. Now, I bless and continue to thank G. each minute that I am not there going thru' it at the moment. I feel so lucky. I hope that this positive period shall continue.
G. willing, if I get a clear o'kay from my 2 upcoming tests, I hope to travel (first in 2 years) to my place of birth to visit. It has been a long wait.
In the meantime, I wish any readers good health and good in your lives.
I pray daily for all who are unwell for a recovery, and for the strength to cope.
Wow, it has been quite a while since I last wrote a month ago. I do write in another section of my Gratitude Journal, and in my Thought section.
To catch myself up on my journey. I am thank G. doing o'kay so far. I had quite a fright with severe pain in my right jaw. My immediate real panic was that I have jaw cancer. The info on the internet truly scared me. A dentist ruled out a tooth problem. But slowly, slowly, the pain has diminished. I have to me somewhat careful what I bite on of hard substenance. Hopefully, another crisis over with.
I continue to go in regularly, every 2 months to have my 'port' cleaned. They will not remove it for at least 2 years. Now, in June, I have 2 appts. to check with both oncologist and my surgeon.
In my cancer group of study, it seems that I often mention how fatigued I am. Which I truly am, not at all like during the whole period post operation, mid chemo and radiation period. But never the less, I am always tired, always, always. My group leader tried psycho-drama on me. Now I am trying to use my thoughts to visualize-LET IT GO, LET IT GO~. Not to dwell on worries, possibilities, should haves, etc. I have for a long time, eliminated the should have, would have, could haves' in my thinking. But now I am adding on : LET IT GO, LET IT GO. Not to think and think, but to GO WITH THE FLOW. Perhaps my worrisome habit is helping to keep me tired so much. I am doing it, but still feel the tiredness. But it is a good road to stay on, non the less.
I had a birthday this week. Last year on my birthday, I was lying in Sharei Tzedek getting chemo. Now, I bless and continue to thank G. each minute that I am not there going thru' it at the moment. I feel so lucky. I hope that this positive period shall continue.
G. willing, if I get a clear o'kay from my 2 upcoming tests, I hope to travel (first in 2 years) to my place of birth to visit. It has been a long wait.
In the meantime, I wish any readers good health and good in your lives.
I pray daily for all who are unwell for a recovery, and for the strength to cope.
Friday, April 22, 2011
APRIL 22-2011 THOUGHTS
SHALOM!
As we celebrate our spring festival, some thoughts for me to ponder and to remember. Wonderful to be part of a family, and to visit, but always so happy to return to my space, where I find that I need to rest, to read, to be quiet, to reflect, to eat, and to be thankful every second for feeling o'kay, despite the fatigue. I am dealing w. it, but going to bed as early as children do, and accepting that this is what I need to do. I am finding peace within myself, and know to throw aside any negative actions of others or rebuffs. I thrill at the sound of loving, caring people, who show me their godliness. Nature catches my eye constantly, and the miracle of its changes and blossoming.
I constantly am aware of the possible 'downs' that can and will appear at any time. I see others struggling w. impossible life situations, both physical and emotional and very very stressful, and with waning hope. I cry for each one, but am realizing that life is a constant up and down curve, and none of us, even the 'healthy' ones don't know when the hit will come their way. so in the meantime, I for one, enjoy the good part as long as I can. It takes effort, but worrying and stewing will not evade or avoid the inevitability of constant changes, both for good and for worse.
I pray for all of us in this spring season new beginnings, that we learn to love each and every moment that we are still functioning as best we can, and to put aside into 'G.d's hands' our worries.
My best wishes to all of us for recovery, peace of mind, and acceptance of what we must.
Until the next time..
As we celebrate our spring festival, some thoughts for me to ponder and to remember. Wonderful to be part of a family, and to visit, but always so happy to return to my space, where I find that I need to rest, to read, to be quiet, to reflect, to eat, and to be thankful every second for feeling o'kay, despite the fatigue. I am dealing w. it, but going to bed as early as children do, and accepting that this is what I need to do. I am finding peace within myself, and know to throw aside any negative actions of others or rebuffs. I thrill at the sound of loving, caring people, who show me their godliness. Nature catches my eye constantly, and the miracle of its changes and blossoming.
I constantly am aware of the possible 'downs' that can and will appear at any time. I see others struggling w. impossible life situations, both physical and emotional and very very stressful, and with waning hope. I cry for each one, but am realizing that life is a constant up and down curve, and none of us, even the 'healthy' ones don't know when the hit will come their way. so in the meantime, I for one, enjoy the good part as long as I can. It takes effort, but worrying and stewing will not evade or avoid the inevitability of constant changes, both for good and for worse.
I pray for all of us in this spring season new beginnings, that we learn to love each and every moment that we are still functioning as best we can, and to put aside into 'G.d's hands' our worries.
My best wishes to all of us for recovery, peace of mind, and acceptance of what we must.
Until the next time..
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
APRIL 5-2011 CONTINUING TO HOPE
Shalom! With spring almost here, and the passage of time giving me hope to keep going, I am managing better and always hoping for the best as I keep my appointment check-ups along the way. I am finally more of a human being, albeit the fatigue which accompanies me, although to a lesser extent, and the foot tingling, which seems to continue for years possibly. With all of that, I can manage. I even have more optimism-the weather, the nice people I choose to be with and associate with, the angels who have been sent to be there for me, the courses I have opted to take and teach, it all adds up to a type of retirement /active life of sorts. I have taken lately to write in my blog and abundance journal more of my feelings and even some prayers of my own. I hope that any reader is coping as best she can with her challenges. I enclose now my latest prayer that I wrote for my cancer group of study.
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
I am bewitched and bewildered As I ponder my life.
I feel life's beauty and love Amidst the 'tohoo vevohoo' all over the lands.
My spirit and soul within me kvell
While my body's beating has knocked me thru' hell.
I want to live with simcha, regua, tikva and purity-
Yet my body made of dust has responded to my teumah
- Having gone thru' fire, death of a sort, despondence, depression- You name it.
I am struggling in the depths of water to stay afloat.,
to breathe in the good, to
o breathe in the love that somehow is there within all this up and down life.
DEAR UNIVERSE-
Grant me the courage to accept what I must- To ride the waves-
And the wisdom to follow my heart's will -
To live and to shine and to give and be still.
I rejoice to be born anew today and to be part of this world.
Bless all to find peace of mind, peace in body,
The ability to accept others and me 'as we are',
Each with our similarities and especially with our differences.
Good morning, world! Here I am!
Until the next time that we meet on this blog, Refuah Shlaimah to each of us!
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
I am bewitched and bewildered As I ponder my life.
I feel life's beauty and love Amidst the 'tohoo vevohoo' all over the lands.
My spirit and soul within me kvell
While my body's beating has knocked me thru' hell.
I want to live with simcha, regua, tikva and purity-
Yet my body made of dust has responded to my teumah
- Having gone thru' fire, death of a sort, despondence, depression- You name it.
I am struggling in the depths of water to stay afloat.,
to breathe in the good, to
o breathe in the love that somehow is there within all this up and down life.
DEAR UNIVERSE-
Grant me the courage to accept what I must- To ride the waves-
And the wisdom to follow my heart's will -
To live and to shine and to give and be still.
I rejoice to be born anew today and to be part of this world.
Bless all to find peace of mind, peace in body,
The ability to accept others and me 'as we are',
Each with our similarities and especially with our differences.
Good morning, world! Here I am!
Until the next time that we meet on this blog, Refuah Shlaimah to each of us!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
MARCH 20-2011 ALONG LIFE'S PATH
Shalom!
After a 3rd injection into my shoulder, I finally am beginning to feel like a normal human being. Living w. pain is no picnic, and I am once again ever so thankful for improvement.
At times now, I am having an almost normal day without the extreme fatigue. But I am learning more and more to pace myself, and not to overdo it. Since I get up so very early automatically, I have learned to go to bed much much earlier, almost like a child does.
As life comes each day, how thankful I am to face another day and aim to speak to and surround myself with positive people, positive thoughts and keep my space far away from the negative ones in my life.
I wish every reader good vibes and feelings and the ability to cope w. what one must. I have adopted after much good readings and talks the following key words for me:
HOPE DIGNITY ACCEPTANCE REFUAH (HEALTHY RECOVERING) NATURE
At this point, I am adding on a prayer that I wrote for our cancer group as a personal prayer, other than that in our daily prayer books.
RIBBONO SHEL OLAM
Whatever/wherever You are
I thank You this moment
For this new day in which You star.
Nature-its beauty, its peace
I wonder in delight at the hope that it feeds.
My hopes start anew for a day filled with strength
To do good for us humans that You
Wondrously created throughout this whole long length.
Do help me to know how to use the skills that I have
And let me 'IN YOUR IMAGE' be a helping hand.
My challenges continue to be many
And I continue to turn to You anyway.
Bless us who are ill in spirit and body
And make our paths as light as You possibly can.
May your Refuah give us dignity and grace
As our unique journeys continue their pace.
I thank You again for this moment of renewal
May Your grace shine on all of Klal Yisrael.
'MIKOL HALAIV' I will try to be 'there'
Wherever and whenever to whomever I can.
We are made in Your 'image'
Help us to shine and not to do damage
To your beautiful world
Where mankind and creatures alike
Sing your praises both morning and night.
Good morning Hashem! Hallelujah!
As You shine Your peaceful presence
Help us to find some peace for our aching
Souls and frames
So that we too can lend a helping hand.
BOKER TOV WORLD-HOW HAPPY I AM TO SEE YOU AGAIN THIS DAY!
chaya bat Sara Bayla
After a 3rd injection into my shoulder, I finally am beginning to feel like a normal human being. Living w. pain is no picnic, and I am once again ever so thankful for improvement.
At times now, I am having an almost normal day without the extreme fatigue. But I am learning more and more to pace myself, and not to overdo it. Since I get up so very early automatically, I have learned to go to bed much much earlier, almost like a child does.
As life comes each day, how thankful I am to face another day and aim to speak to and surround myself with positive people, positive thoughts and keep my space far away from the negative ones in my life.
I wish every reader good vibes and feelings and the ability to cope w. what one must. I have adopted after much good readings and talks the following key words for me:
HOPE DIGNITY ACCEPTANCE REFUAH (HEALTHY RECOVERING) NATURE
At this point, I am adding on a prayer that I wrote for our cancer group as a personal prayer, other than that in our daily prayer books.
RIBBONO SHEL OLAM
Whatever/wherever You are
I thank You this moment
For this new day in which You star.
Nature-its beauty, its peace
I wonder in delight at the hope that it feeds.
My hopes start anew for a day filled with strength
To do good for us humans that You
Wondrously created throughout this whole long length.
Do help me to know how to use the skills that I have
And let me 'IN YOUR IMAGE' be a helping hand.
My challenges continue to be many
And I continue to turn to You anyway.
Bless us who are ill in spirit and body
And make our paths as light as You possibly can.
May your Refuah give us dignity and grace
As our unique journeys continue their pace.
I thank You again for this moment of renewal
May Your grace shine on all of Klal Yisrael.
'MIKOL HALAIV' I will try to be 'there'
Wherever and whenever to whomever I can.
We are made in Your 'image'
Help us to shine and not to do damage
To your beautiful world
Where mankind and creatures alike
Sing your praises both morning and night.
Good morning Hashem! Hallelujah!
As You shine Your peaceful presence
Help us to find some peace for our aching
Souls and frames
So that we too can lend a helping hand.
BOKER TOV WORLD-HOW HAPPY I AM TO SEE YOU AGAIN THIS DAY!
chaya bat Sara Bayla
Friday, March 11, 2011
MARCH 11-2011 PICKING ONESELF UP AGAIN
Shalom!
I remind any readers that I am basically writing this cancer blog for my journey. I know that the last entry was so 'down' in spirit, and I hope that it did not make anyone else feel 'down'. My fatigue and shoulder pain, I guess, sometimes/often do really get me down. And yet, I know and do feel so much thanks for coming thus far.
I hear good words, tips, suggestions, along the way basically from people involved with ailing clientele. These thoughts I am trying to add to my way of thinking: e.g. ACCEPTANCE, HOPE, DIGNITY, CHALLENGES, HOPE (ONCE AGAIN).
Life has so many ups and downs, and somehow, we have not been programmed to realize this. The fairy tale stories always have happy endings from my childhood. Reality of life , death, suffering, loss, pain, are not often talked about. And yet, it is all around us, and all the more shocking when we suddenly discover it around us.
So I wish for all of us here to not give up hope, to accept what we must, but to keep on trying to live with dignity and an up-lifted spirit as much as possible. For me, good friends, music, books, quiet, warmth in my spot to live, good food, all help me to feel positive.
I wish all of us a good frame of mind as we step along our journeys of life.
All the best,
chaya bat sara bayla
I remind any readers that I am basically writing this cancer blog for my journey. I know that the last entry was so 'down' in spirit, and I hope that it did not make anyone else feel 'down'. My fatigue and shoulder pain, I guess, sometimes/often do really get me down. And yet, I know and do feel so much thanks for coming thus far.
I hear good words, tips, suggestions, along the way basically from people involved with ailing clientele. These thoughts I am trying to add to my way of thinking: e.g. ACCEPTANCE, HOPE, DIGNITY, CHALLENGES, HOPE (ONCE AGAIN).
Life has so many ups and downs, and somehow, we have not been programmed to realize this. The fairy tale stories always have happy endings from my childhood. Reality of life , death, suffering, loss, pain, are not often talked about. And yet, it is all around us, and all the more shocking when we suddenly discover it around us.
So I wish for all of us here to not give up hope, to accept what we must, but to keep on trying to live with dignity and an up-lifted spirit as much as possible. For me, good friends, music, books, quiet, warmth in my spot to live, good food, all help me to feel positive.
I wish all of us a good frame of mind as we step along our journeys of life.
All the best,
chaya bat sara bayla
Monday, March 7, 2011
MARCH 7-11 ALONG THE CANCER JOURNEY
SHALOM!
A SHORT UPDATE AS I AM BACK TO MY FATIGUE AGAIN, AND NO PATIENCE TO TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE. I DO WHAT I CAN AND MUST, AND SIMPLY 'PETER OUT'. GOING TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THE CLEANING OF MY PORT, SETS ME BACK MENTALLY, ON SEEING THE PEOPLE AND THEIR SUFFERING FACES. THE WAITING IS SO LONG, AND I COME HOME DEPLETED EMOTIONALLY.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO EXHAUSTED, BUT EVEN WHEN I DO LIE DOWN, IT REALLY DOESN'T HELP. BUT THANK G. SO FAR, NO SIGN OF MORE CANCER. THIS WEEK I RETURN TO TEL HASHOMER TO HAVE MORE SHOTS INTO MY SHOULDER FROM THE CONSTANT PAIN, DUE, IT SEEMS, FROM THE CUTTING INTO MY LYMPH NODES DURING THE OPERATION. I KNOW THAT PAIN DOES TIRE YOU AS WELL. IMAGINE NOT BEING ABLE TO PUT ON A DRESS OR OTHER GARMENT THAT CLOSES IN THE BACK, NOT BEING ABLE TO EASILY CLOSE OR OPEN A CAR DOOR. THE SPRING MAKES ME FEEL SO WARM, BUT MY BODY STILL CRAVES THE 'COUCH' TO SIMPLY COLLAPSE. HOPEFULLY, THIS PORTION TODAY OF 'KVETCHING' WILL SOON DECREASE.
I HOPE THAT READERS OUT YONDER ARE DOING WELL AND STANDING UP TO LIFE'S CHALLENGE! I REMIND MYSELF THAT WE MUST HOPE AND BE THANKFUL FOR EVERY GOOD MOMENT OF BEING ALIVE, WITH A FRIEND, ENJOYING THE SUNSHINE, SHARING A MEAL WITH OTHERS. EACH DAY IS WHAT WE HAVE, AND BEYOND THAT WE NEED JUST TO HOPE.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME,
BE WELL.
chaya bat sarah bayla
A SHORT UPDATE AS I AM BACK TO MY FATIGUE AGAIN, AND NO PATIENCE TO TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE. I DO WHAT I CAN AND MUST, AND SIMPLY 'PETER OUT'. GOING TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THE CLEANING OF MY PORT, SETS ME BACK MENTALLY, ON SEEING THE PEOPLE AND THEIR SUFFERING FACES. THE WAITING IS SO LONG, AND I COME HOME DEPLETED EMOTIONALLY.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO EXHAUSTED, BUT EVEN WHEN I DO LIE DOWN, IT REALLY DOESN'T HELP. BUT THANK G. SO FAR, NO SIGN OF MORE CANCER. THIS WEEK I RETURN TO TEL HASHOMER TO HAVE MORE SHOTS INTO MY SHOULDER FROM THE CONSTANT PAIN, DUE, IT SEEMS, FROM THE CUTTING INTO MY LYMPH NODES DURING THE OPERATION. I KNOW THAT PAIN DOES TIRE YOU AS WELL. IMAGINE NOT BEING ABLE TO PUT ON A DRESS OR OTHER GARMENT THAT CLOSES IN THE BACK, NOT BEING ABLE TO EASILY CLOSE OR OPEN A CAR DOOR. THE SPRING MAKES ME FEEL SO WARM, BUT MY BODY STILL CRAVES THE 'COUCH' TO SIMPLY COLLAPSE. HOPEFULLY, THIS PORTION TODAY OF 'KVETCHING' WILL SOON DECREASE.
I HOPE THAT READERS OUT YONDER ARE DOING WELL AND STANDING UP TO LIFE'S CHALLENGE! I REMIND MYSELF THAT WE MUST HOPE AND BE THANKFUL FOR EVERY GOOD MOMENT OF BEING ALIVE, WITH A FRIEND, ENJOYING THE SUNSHINE, SHARING A MEAL WITH OTHERS. EACH DAY IS WHAT WE HAVE, AND BEYOND THAT WE NEED JUST TO HOPE.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME,
BE WELL.
chaya bat sarah bayla
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
FEB. 13-2011 COPING AND UNDERSTANDING MORE
HELLO TO MY BLOG ONCE AGAIN:
Can anything good come from having cancer and going to a study group? Well, I was asked by my spiritual teacher to speak to a UJA GROUP visiting from New York about this organization. They wanted someone with a fluent English. I accepted, and did so, without too much nervousness which prior to now I usually was uptight and nervous. But this organization is truly warm, accepting and does wonderful things for people with illness. Thus, I accepted readily to speak. The feedback was good, and I feel good about doing it.
I am been reading books that give me encouragement to live for each day to the fullest. None of us know the future, the when, how, why's of illness, death, a down turn in health issues. Reading continues to be a source of knowledge, optimism, happiness for me. I am finally beginning to perhaps understand more of why I developed a cancerous growth. I was so shocked through and through when it was discovered: I walk, I eat healthy, I don't smoke, etc. But stress of divorce, of failure of any sort taken seriously, of negative feelings apparently can lead to the development of cancer. And so, I continue to live around nice people, negating people who don't act nicely or dislike me. I have spent too much time trying to please others in my life. It's not that I just decided to do so. I bit by bit, have turned to the good in the world, people, situations, atmosphere which has good vibes, and have dropped what doesn't sit well w. me, albeit subconsciously at times. Every day is a gift for me, even as I peter out by afternoon, and evenings for me are really down time. But being a morning person, I get all the necessities done before most people are awake.
Can anything good come from having cancer and going to a study group? Well, I was asked by my spiritual teacher to speak to a UJA GROUP visiting from New York about this organization. They wanted someone with a fluent English. I accepted, and did so, without too much nervousness which prior to now I usually was uptight and nervous. But this organization is truly warm, accepting and does wonderful things for people with illness. Thus, I accepted readily to speak. The feedback was good, and I feel good about doing it.
I am been reading books that give me encouragement to live for each day to the fullest. None of us know the future, the when, how, why's of illness, death, a down turn in health issues. Reading continues to be a source of knowledge, optimism, happiness for me. I am finally beginning to perhaps understand more of why I developed a cancerous growth. I was so shocked through and through when it was discovered: I walk, I eat healthy, I don't smoke, etc. But stress of divorce, of failure of any sort taken seriously, of negative feelings apparently can lead to the development of cancer. And so, I continue to live around nice people, negating people who don't act nicely or dislike me. I have spent too much time trying to please others in my life. It's not that I just decided to do so. I bit by bit, have turned to the good in the world, people, situations, atmosphere which has good vibes, and have dropped what doesn't sit well w. me, albeit subconsciously at times. Every day is a gift for me, even as I peter out by afternoon, and evenings for me are really down time. But being a morning person, I get all the necessities done before most people are awake.
After another 3 month check up with my oncologist, I am so far, o'kay, despite the constant pains from the Radiation cuff disease, which limits my movements in my right shoulder, and is quite painful. Yet I function.
Thank G. for another day-to any reader, be healthy, enjoy life even with pain in your body. I speak from experience not judgement. Until next time......
Sunday, February 13, 2011
FEB. 14, 2011 ANOTHER MILESTONE
HELLO:
Another 3 month check with my oncologist, and thank G. so far, so good. I go there not afraid, but always wary. I never expected on my regular yearly examination for anything to be different, and bingo, it was. So I know now that 'the fates' have their way of happening when we least expect a change. Now, I will have check ups every 4 months rather than 3, as well as regular bi-yearly mammograms and CA 125 tests for uterus. In the meantime, my fatigue accompanies me, but less violent than in previous months. My shoulder area, due to the cutting of lymph nodes during the operation continues to give me problems, and I am seeking to return to the specialist for 3rd and 4th injections to relieve the constant pain and difficulty in movement. But alongside all of this, I am very thankful that I am where I am.
It continues to be an adjustment without my companion little dog. But I was prepared for it in advance, and know that it comes to us all at some point. So I continue on and hold the precious memories tight in my heart.
I hope that anyone reading my personal blog is feeling well and coping with life's challenges. I pray for all who are ill either physically or challenged mentally with life's difficult times.
Until another time
Shalom
Another 3 month check with my oncologist, and thank G. so far, so good. I go there not afraid, but always wary. I never expected on my regular yearly examination for anything to be different, and bingo, it was. So I know now that 'the fates' have their way of happening when we least expect a change. Now, I will have check ups every 4 months rather than 3, as well as regular bi-yearly mammograms and CA 125 tests for uterus. In the meantime, my fatigue accompanies me, but less violent than in previous months. My shoulder area, due to the cutting of lymph nodes during the operation continues to give me problems, and I am seeking to return to the specialist for 3rd and 4th injections to relieve the constant pain and difficulty in movement. But alongside all of this, I am very thankful that I am where I am.
It continues to be an adjustment without my companion little dog. But I was prepared for it in advance, and know that it comes to us all at some point. So I continue on and hold the precious memories tight in my heart.
I hope that anyone reading my personal blog is feeling well and coping with life's challenges. I pray for all who are ill either physically or challenged mentally with life's difficult times.
Until another time
Shalom
Thursday, January 27, 2011
JAN. 27-2011 MY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT TODAY
Hello:
My writing today may not be what you expect it to be, my thoughts on my cancer etc. Today, I had to put to sleep my pet companion, friend, child, my houshold partner, my little toy poodle. She has been with me for at least 11 years, borne 3 babies, been my true friend, always ready to greet me, to sit near me, to walk with me, to just 'be' there' for me.
Amidst my cancer year, my little dog somehow got cancer. I checked with my vet and all the research shows NO connection whatsoever to the fact that I had cancer. I detected her lump myself, and at first the vet poo-pooed it, as to only a lump of fat. But I kept watch, and to make a long story short, Mocha underwent not one operation for cancer, but two, as the lump grew back again. I had lengthy discussions with my vet as to what we would do if a 3rd growth of cancer showed up. We decided then that next time, should it arise, we would put Mocha to sleep, as it would only mean continued suffering for her as time went on. The lump grew back, much larger this time, and Mocha started losing control of her continence. For a while, I just cleaned it up and let it go. But as I had to start restrcting her more with very little food, it just got worse, she was no longer the frisky happy wonderful creature. She only wanted to sleep and eat, and then got sick from it.
Now I have dealt with the death of a former dog of mine years ago, and I always knew that I would never let my pet suffer. It is bad enough that we let adults suffer and suffer, and not be able to help them die in dignity. My vet was afraid that when it really came to the crux, that I would not be able to let him put her to rest. But I knew that her life was now suffering-the tumor was about to burst open and really cause suffering. So by myself, with my wonderful vet, we put Mocha to rest. I was very concerned as to her burial arrangements, and again, my vet and I discussed this long ago. He will bury her at Motza himself . It is my loss that I grieve for her absence. She has been such a source of life for me-someone to come home to, someone to care for. I never felt so alone as long as I had my little pet. Often it was very difficult to go away for vacations or week-ends, but it was worth it to me to stay home with her. I was lucky that my son and daughter-in-law were very good about helping out when they could, as well as a young girl babysat occasionally.
And so the cycle of life comes to an end. As a recovering cancer patient (I hope), in my cancer group we are constantly talking of life and death. I know internally that life and death are the outside boundaries of the years I have on earth (as do we all). It is like a sandwich-birth, the productive fruitful years, and then death. But living with a life-threatening illnes, we become so very aware of the frailty of life, and our final destination. It makes me, for one, truly appreciate every good moment, day, happening in life.
I know that Mocha had good years. I was privileged to have had her with me. I am also pleased that I did not let her continue to suffer endlessly as the cancer spread and incapacitated her more and more.
As I sit here and cry, I realize that Mocha was my lifeline, a breathing creature of this universe, who also sat at my feet, slept nearby, needed me as much as I needed her, who gave me joy, a sense of not being alone, a sense of being useful and needed. I am so very fortunate for having had this great opportunity as part of my life. She in essence is my 3rd pet dog over the years. Each one has enriched my life, and has given meaning to it.
I pray for all of us to eventually know 'the kiss of death' when we need to, and to enjoy fully our time here on earth as best we can while we can.
My best wishes for all of us.
My writing today may not be what you expect it to be, my thoughts on my cancer etc. Today, I had to put to sleep my pet companion, friend, child, my houshold partner, my little toy poodle. She has been with me for at least 11 years, borne 3 babies, been my true friend, always ready to greet me, to sit near me, to walk with me, to just 'be' there' for me.
Amidst my cancer year, my little dog somehow got cancer. I checked with my vet and all the research shows NO connection whatsoever to the fact that I had cancer. I detected her lump myself, and at first the vet poo-pooed it, as to only a lump of fat. But I kept watch, and to make a long story short, Mocha underwent not one operation for cancer, but two, as the lump grew back again. I had lengthy discussions with my vet as to what we would do if a 3rd growth of cancer showed up. We decided then that next time, should it arise, we would put Mocha to sleep, as it would only mean continued suffering for her as time went on. The lump grew back, much larger this time, and Mocha started losing control of her continence. For a while, I just cleaned it up and let it go. But as I had to start restrcting her more with very little food, it just got worse, she was no longer the frisky happy wonderful creature. She only wanted to sleep and eat, and then got sick from it.
Now I have dealt with the death of a former dog of mine years ago, and I always knew that I would never let my pet suffer. It is bad enough that we let adults suffer and suffer, and not be able to help them die in dignity. My vet was afraid that when it really came to the crux, that I would not be able to let him put her to rest. But I knew that her life was now suffering-the tumor was about to burst open and really cause suffering. So by myself, with my wonderful vet, we put Mocha to rest. I was very concerned as to her burial arrangements, and again, my vet and I discussed this long ago. He will bury her at Motza himself . It is my loss that I grieve for her absence. She has been such a source of life for me-someone to come home to, someone to care for. I never felt so alone as long as I had my little pet. Often it was very difficult to go away for vacations or week-ends, but it was worth it to me to stay home with her. I was lucky that my son and daughter-in-law were very good about helping out when they could, as well as a young girl babysat occasionally.
And so the cycle of life comes to an end. As a recovering cancer patient (I hope), in my cancer group we are constantly talking of life and death. I know internally that life and death are the outside boundaries of the years I have on earth (as do we all). It is like a sandwich-birth, the productive fruitful years, and then death. But living with a life-threatening illnes, we become so very aware of the frailty of life, and our final destination. It makes me, for one, truly appreciate every good moment, day, happening in life.
I know that Mocha had good years. I was privileged to have had her with me. I am also pleased that I did not let her continue to suffer endlessly as the cancer spread and incapacitated her more and more.
As I sit here and cry, I realize that Mocha was my lifeline, a breathing creature of this universe, who also sat at my feet, slept nearby, needed me as much as I needed her, who gave me joy, a sense of not being alone, a sense of being useful and needed. I am so very fortunate for having had this great opportunity as part of my life. She in essence is my 3rd pet dog over the years. Each one has enriched my life, and has given meaning to it.
I pray for all of us to eventually know 'the kiss of death' when we need to, and to enjoy fully our time here on earth as best we can while we can.
My best wishes for all of us.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
JAN. 23-2011 ALONG MY JOURNEY
Shalom!
Well, it has been almost a month since I wrote here, but I have been doing writings from my Bibliotherapy course of my cancer group at Tishkofet Maagan. How weird it is that now that I am not doing 'tipulim', thank G., I am still a cancer person in thought and feel more comfortable amongst people that understand and are there or have been 'there'. In this group, we are encouraged to write feelings and thoughts, which I do, so that takes me away from writing here.
Each time I think of going thru' chemotherapy, I am so very very thankful and pray not to ever need to do this again. When I go in for my monthly cleaning of my port, it pains me terribly to see the patients in treatment. Thank G. I feel normal and that shocks me as well! Only my shoulder still gives me pain and is problematic when opening heavy car doors or lifting my arm up. I walk around this earth being so very aware of each good moment-I feel and fear that something bad is around the corner about to happen. So I try to enjoy each day when I wake up and do things that I have chosen to do, but with such awareness as to the frailty of life.
I finally had my first 3 day outing out of my home to the Dead Sea with the teachers' union, where I teach. To sit and read and be a 'normal' person with this vast sea of humanity was stupendous. I actually bumped into another cancer patient and we, hardly knowing each other, just fell into each other's arms with joy to see one another. Strange world!
I wish all and any readers to feel well, and thank you all for praying not only for chaya bat sary bayla but for all sick people.
Until the next time-
Chow!
Well, it has been almost a month since I wrote here, but I have been doing writings from my Bibliotherapy course of my cancer group at Tishkofet Maagan. How weird it is that now that I am not doing 'tipulim', thank G., I am still a cancer person in thought and feel more comfortable amongst people that understand and are there or have been 'there'. In this group, we are encouraged to write feelings and thoughts, which I do, so that takes me away from writing here.
Each time I think of going thru' chemotherapy, I am so very very thankful and pray not to ever need to do this again. When I go in for my monthly cleaning of my port, it pains me terribly to see the patients in treatment. Thank G. I feel normal and that shocks me as well! Only my shoulder still gives me pain and is problematic when opening heavy car doors or lifting my arm up. I walk around this earth being so very aware of each good moment-I feel and fear that something bad is around the corner about to happen. So I try to enjoy each day when I wake up and do things that I have chosen to do, but with such awareness as to the frailty of life.
I finally had my first 3 day outing out of my home to the Dead Sea with the teachers' union, where I teach. To sit and read and be a 'normal' person with this vast sea of humanity was stupendous. I actually bumped into another cancer patient and we, hardly knowing each other, just fell into each other's arms with joy to see one another. Strange world!
I wish all and any readers to feel well, and thank you all for praying not only for chaya bat sary bayla but for all sick people.
Until the next time-
Chow!
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