DEC. 28-10 CONTINUING ON MY JOURNEY

Shalom!

It's amazing that now that I have completed my treatments (hopefully forever), I am more and more drawn in to the activities, lectures from cancer groups. Knowing that we are fighting the unknown, I know that cancer could come back at any time, and that for me anyways, I feel the presence of 'the angel of death' beside me, even as I live my life now. It has come too close for comfort; we all face death, but now I feel my mortality constantly, and am therefore so grateful for each and every day. My faith has been very challenged, and I grapple with it within discussions in a cancer group. Whereas usually I am more laid back in revealing my deepest thoughts, in my cancer group, I tend to express myself even more than I would like to do. It is hard to figure this out-am I a cancer patient-yes and no at the moment. Yet, it is nothing I can turn my back on. I see drs. regularly, have my port cleaned and checked monthly, continue my physio therapy bi weekly-it seems that this rotator cuff disease is a direct result of my operation/chem/radiation treatments.

Well, this blog is to let my thoughts hang out -if you are bored, pleased don't read it.
I wish each and every reader/sick person, emotionally challenged person -good health, and the ability to stand more or less independently and continue on.

Until the next time-
thank you.
chaya bat saray bayle and to
kol cholei bnai yisrael

DEC. 15-10 THANK YOU UNIVERSE!

SHALOM!
To feel human again, I thought I would never know the feeling. To be able to function without extreme extreme fatigue, without exhaustion is like a miracle. Not that I don't have to rest each day somewhat, but the waves of fatigue are so much less. Now some of it is after 5 months after completion of chemo and radiation, but also we removed a morning pill for blood pressure entirely to see if that will make a difference. We could only do that as thank G. my bl. pressure has been pretty stable lately.

Having cancer has taught me to listen more to my body. If I can't handle a lot of evening activities, so be it. I go to bed earlier than most, as I am up by 3 a.m. latest 4 a.m. for a new day. It does really curtail evening social activities, but I am so content to be home more after all these years of full time working. I am finally taking some courses, from the cancer base involving Torah study and life lessons, some yoga, since my Dr. felt I wasn't doing enough exercise. At the teachers' base, where I teach weekly and simply love it, I am taking a course on the relationship of mind and body. All in all, I love what I am doing. Hopefully, soon, I will start back at one of my volunteering places.

'Going with the flow' is a new concept, which I never could do. But I am doing more and more of it. If I were to get upset over each little thing, my body would be constantly stressed out. So I let it go-let the 'universe' worry about it for me. I do my part and hope for the best.

Anyways, you know that I am writing this blog mostly for me, and if any of this makes sense to you, or helps you to help others, good!

Until the next time we meet,
Shalom
Thank you always for your prayers and thoughts and good health to all those still having a hard time. Believe me, I know how hard this all is.

DEC. 3-10 PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR ALL OF US

Shalom!

My mammogram almost exactly to the year this week showed no cancer evident in the breast area, thank G. It was a real fright to be taken in again to 'the room' after the mammogram for further testing. I immediately asked: 'Again?' You found more?' But after having cancer, it seems you not only get a mammogram, but have an ultra sound as well. Now I will know for the next time.

My shoulder area continues to plague me, but I try to put it in perspective to others suffering more. And now, with my fatigue partner always accompanying me day and night, bingo, I get Vertigo, and am a helpless soul in the middle of the night. Frightening it is, but when I measure my fear and feelings against life and death in the Carmel area, and how people died, I know to put it all in perspective. Thank G. I am still functioning, even with all these set backs. Cancelling another planned Shabat trip to grandchildren in another city was necessary, but not the end of the world (in my new worldly outlook).
And so, I ask any readers, to continue wishing well all those whom you know who are still not well, or who are recovering, each in her own way, and I thank you all for your prayers and love that I feel even from a distance.

Shabat Shalom-Chanukah Sameach, as best we can enjoy/appreciate it and life.
Until next time....

NOV. 25-2010 TIME!

Shalom!

Time, the great equalizer perhaps, the passage of time eases, soothes, stretches on, goes so quickly, continues to plague us-so many different interpretations of this concept of time.

All I know is that almost exactly to the year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I can finally say that I feel somewhat like a normal human being. Fear is always lurking re the unknown, fatigue is a part of me constantly minus the sudden waves of fatigue hitting at me non-stop, but I am functioning more or less normally again.

The release of knowing that this pain of the last 4 months is from A rotator cuff impingement and adhesive capsulitis and not from cancer itself. The terms sound scary, but so far the 2 injections have helped, I am getting proper physio for this ailment. I hope that all the blood work and body bone scan will come out o'kay. It seems that although I feel more normal, I am constantly being tested and checked and running to doctors and/or tests. But thankfully, I am being monitored.


How does cancer change you, improve you, defeat you? Well, I saw such a change in my attitude this past week, when I had planned a 3 day get away to a resort with sessions on good health taking place. This was to be my first venture out of my cancer world of the past year. Not only that, but I was going alone, knowing no one, and not sharing a room with anyone (a first for me).

To make a long story short, I gave my dog to a pension, and with all my nervousness before a trip (I am always tense before leaving my home and security for any length of time), went to the meeting place to only find out that the trip had been cancelled and that I had not been notified.

I was certainly angry at the mismanagement of the organization, but soon after I returned home, thinking, that after all that I have gone thru' this past year, I can't overreact. It just isn't worth my being upset. And so I used my time to finish other things and proceeded on with my life. This is not how I would have reacted before my illness. I would have stayed upset for a long time and more emotionally angry. but now... I just let it flow.


Anyways, c'est la vie. Life has and is going to have its flow upwards and most certainly downwards all along this journey of life.

I wish all of any readers good health and good moments of happiness., and an easy flow thru' life's journey.
Bye for now.

NOV. 18-10 AN UPDATE

SHALOM:
I AM KEEPING A RUNNING COMMENTARY OF MY LIFE FOR MY CANCER GROUP, FOR MY ABUNDANCE DIARY, AND ALSO THIS BLOG. I RUN OUT OF STEAM TO KEEP UP WITH IT ALL.
SOMEHOW, THANK G. 4 MONTHS AFTER I FINISHED TREATMENTS, THE FATIGUE , ALTHOUGH STILL THERE, IS NOT AS VICIOUS AS BEFORE. I ALWAYS DESCRIBED IT AS WAVES OF FATIGUE WASHING OVER ME INSTANTANEOUSLY. NOW IT COMES, BUT I KNOW TO JUST LIE DOWN, AND ACCEPT IT, AND IT APPEARS LESS VIOLENT. PERHAPS I HAVE JUST LEARNED TO ACCEPT.

MY SON TOOK ME TO TEL HASHOMER HOSPITAL TO THE HEAD OF A PAIN CLINIC FOR MY CONSTANT PAINS IN MY RIGHT SHOULDER, ARM. (SAME SIDE AS SURGERY AND RADIATION. THANK G. CT TEST SHOWED NO CANCER INVOLVEMENT.
THE DR. THERE DIAGNOSED ME IMMEDIATELY AND GAVE ME 2 SHOTS OF CORTISONE, WHICH HAVE HELPED TEMPORARILY. NOW I GO FOR TESTING IN MY WHOLE BODY, BUT THIS SEEMS TO BE ANOTHER PROBLEM UNRELATED TO MY CANCER. HOWEVER THE RADIATION POSITIONING OF MY ARM DAILY, AND NO MOVEMENT ALLOWED, PERHAPS EXASBERATED THE CONDITION OF MY SHOULDER. ANYWAYS, I NOW GO FOR NEW PHYSIO THERAPY, TESTS, ETC. BUT KNOWING THAT IT IS NOT CANCER SURE RELIEVED MY MIND IMMENSELY.

I AM FUNCTIONING MORE LIKE A HUMAN BEING NOW THANK G. AND AM ALWAYS THANKFUL FOR EACH THING THAT I CAN DO OR ATTEND. SINCE I LOVE MY TEACHING, THAT GIVES ME MUCH SATISFACTION. HAVING CARING FAMILY AND FRIENDS ADDS IMMENSELY TO MY SELF ESTEEM. I HAVE BEEN A DIFFICULT PATIENT AT TIMES, LACKING FULL FAITH, BUT I KEEP PLUGGING ALONG.

IT WAS WITH GREAT SADNESS TO HEAR OF THE DEATH OF OTHER CANCER WOMEN LATELY. WE ALL HAVE OUR END SITE, KNOWN OR UNKNOWN TO US. THAT'S WHY WE MUST ENJOY WHAT WE CAN AS LONG AS WE CAN.

AND SO, I FINALLY TOOK A MOVE THIS WEEK OUT OF MY CANCER WORLD AND WORRY-WENT WITH A GROUP OF TEACHERS FOR A DAY'S TIYUL, OUTING. CAME BACK EXHAUSTED BUT SO HAPPY.

I WISH ANY READER PEACE AND HEALTH IN THEIR BODIES AND HEARTS.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME-SHALOM

NOV. 4-10 GENETIC OUTCOME

SHALOM!
Finally, some solution to the genetic mystery. In the 3major tests given to Jewish Ashkenazi women, I came out clean. As for further testing, which involved a large sum of my own funds, it was decided that since I am less than 5% likely to get ovarian cancer, then my job is to do ovary check ups, called CA 125 tests, twice a year forever and not do the further testing.

Hopefully, this will protect me from not finding out way late in the game re ovarian cancer. At the same time, I am checked periodically by my oncologist and have a mammogram every 6 months for at least this year, and then down to once a year.

I have learned to accept the fatigue and lie down often several times a day. The pain has become part of me, but I will be tested at Tel Hashomer next week to see what else can be done.
All in all, I am thankful every moment, every second, every day. Life is beautiful despite all.

Shabat shalom to all.
chaya bat sarah baylah

NOV. 1, 2010

Shalom once again to my blog and readers:

Now to catch myself up on what is going on. It is slowly sinking in to me that this constant heavy fatigue is going to be part of me for even up to a year. My oncologist gave me an article for doctors that really showed me that with all of my medical background, this is what is, and not a sign of further cancer necessarily.Therefore, live w. it, and accept the need to lie down all the time between activities.

Secondly, the pain of shoulder and arm seems to be from the biopsy when they cut into the lymph nodes to check for the spread of cancer. Physio therapy has done me no good thus far. I am going next week to another specialist elsewhere to see what he can do. But one learns to live with the pain and discomfort.

Other than all of the above, I am mindful of each good moment and happening in life. It hurts me terribly to see other women ill with cancer or dying of it right now. I pray for all of us-statistics show that 4,000 women get hit with cancer in Israel every year-we must do our part to eat healthy, to exercise, to keep our bodies and our minds active and near positive, friendly people.
To any readers who know me personally, I thank you for your encouragement and patience and friendship.

It is November, time marches on, and I thank the universe for granting me more time here on earth. May I use it well.

OCT. 7-10 ALONG THE CANCER JOURNEY

SHALOM!

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I LAST WROTE. AT THIS POINT, I STILL HAVE NO ANSWER RE GENETIC FURTHER TESTING. THINGS MOVE VERY SLOWLY IT SEEMS, AND WITH MANY MANY ILL PATIENTS, ONE HAS TO LEARN PATIENCE.

I HAVE BEEN SPENDING MY TIME BEING CONSTANTLY MINDFUL OF WHATEVER GOOD MOMENTS/HOURS/TIMES SPENT COME MY WAY. I AM SO THANKFUL TO BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW, AS I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING NEXT.

SINCE MY RADIATION WHICH FINISHED MID JULY, I HAVE BEEN BATTLING PAINS IN MY ARM, SHOULDER, AREA OF THE SIDE OPERATED ON AND RADIATED ON. IT HAS CAUSED ME LOSS OF POWER TO DO VARIOUS TASKS, BUT MOSTLY PAIN. THAT PLUS THE FATIGUE WHICH JUST WON'T LEAVE ME, KEEP ME FRUSTRATED AND YES, STILL WORRIED. SO TO CONTRAST THAT WORRY AND PAIN, I AM DOUBLY THANKFUL FOR ALL GOOD LITTLE EVENTS. I FIND MYSELF TOO HARD ON MYSELF AND KEEP PUSHING MYSELF. I NEED TO LEARN TO LET IT FLOW, AND NOT EXPECT SO MUCH FROM MYSELF. THE PAMPERING FROM WHATEVER SOURCE COMES MY WAY IS SO APPRECIATED.

I FORTUNATELY FINALLY FOUND 2 DIFFERENT PLACES TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MYSELF, MY BODY, MY FEELINGS. ONE IS FROM A CANCER GROUP TO HELP US ADJUSTING TO IT ALL, AND THE OTHER IS FROM A DOCTOR WHO HELPS US UNDERSTAND THE CONNECTION OF BODY AND SPIRIT AND OUR NEEDS.

WELL, ENOUGH RAMBLING ON FOR TODAY. I WISH ANY OF YOU OUT THERE WHO ARE HURTING OR WORRYING, STRENGTH TO ENJOY WHATEVER YOU CAN. THERE ARE ALWAYS THE UPS AND DOWNS FOR ALL OF US.

AS A NEW JEWISH MONTH BEGINS, AND SHABAT APPROACHES, I WISH YOU ALL A HEALTHY MONTH AND AN ENJOYABLE SHABAT.

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME....

chaya bat sarah bayla

SEPT. 1, 2010 A NEW YEAR WISH

Shalom!

Here we are on Sept. 1-close to Rosh Hashana and a new year, which I pray will bring all of us a refuah shlaimah, courage to withstand what we must and to find some inner peace and enjoyment from this time we have allotted us on this planet.

I actually have no new news at this point. My oncologist is conferring with another top oncologist re some genetic issues. In the meantime, I am carrying on, pampering myself a bit after this period, being extremely fatigued still. But I try to enjoy what I can, and am so thankful to have come this far.

In the meantime, I wish each and every reader good health-do your tests and take good care physically and emotionally to keep your spirits up.

Shana Tova-
Chaya/Harriet

AUG. 13-2010 TO FEEL HUMAN AGAIN

Hello once again:

For any of you going thru' a difficult time and feeling rotten, believe me when I say that
G. willing, you will feel good again, however slowly. I could never have believed after these 9 months that I would ever feel 'normal', but despite the fact that I am eternally fatigued, I can enjoy being alive again. I may have to choose more sedentary activities, rest more, but I am love with life.

When I next write here, it will be after my visit back to my oncologist who has been away on vacation. So I had these few weeks to just 'be'. I am a bit apprehensive as to what follows, but we'll see.
For now, I wish any reader here good health, a good month, and as my general doctor tells me,'Keep your chin up"!

Bye for now-I wish a speedy recovery for us all.

OCT. 09-JULY 10: MY 9 MONTHS OF CANCER TO DATE

Hello:
today, July 21, 2010, I finished my radiation treatment at Hadassah Ein Karem. This part, compared to the 2 series of chemotherapy were a relative breeze. Fatigue accompanied me all the way thru' cancer, and I mean utter fatigue. But the nauseousness and general bad feelings of inability to eat, to drink, to be somewhat of a person only came back when I was doing the radiation. I am afraid to say 'hallelujah' yet, although I am so very thankful that hopefully, the cancer of the breast is now negligent. Of course, we may not know for many years to come if it totally succeeded.

But due to some family concerns, I may need to do more testing and/or removing of another anatomical part to ensure no further cancer. But I will write more about that after I return to my oncologist and have further discussions. In the meantime, I will have regular breast examinations, mammograms, ultra sounds, etc. and regular visits to my oncologist on an ongoing basis.

I cannot say that I am dancing on clouds, as I have this reserved worry. But I am so thankful for coming this far. I haven't announced it yet to anyone, so you, my readers, are the first to know that I have completed this 9 month siege on my body. Lucky are those who can only identify with
9 months of pregnancy and can go home with a lovely newborn. But to go home knowing that everything was done to eradicate this cancer is indeed wonderful.

I continue to pray for myself, and for all sick people that I know about, and don't know about. I wish you each good health and speedy recoveries.

I welcome any comments from you back to me.
Yours,
chaya bat sarah bayla

JULY 12-10 'RADIATING' ALONG

Shalom!

Well, I am in 2nd week of radiation, and thank G. no burning and redness of affected area. But fatigue, fatigue, which has become a part of me through this whole process. But I see a light at the end of this tunnel of this part of cancer. Then we shall see what follows. I feel very lucky that the cancer was caught before it spread to the lymph nodes. That is the blessing of going yearly for mammograms and catching it early. Thank you, universe!

When I look around me in the waiting room which seems endless, all roads of life pass here-Jewish, Arab, Christian, religious, non-religious, we are all in the same boat. Each prays or doesn't pray in his own way, to somehow survive and still be a functioning person with years left to live. I wish a speedy recovery for all.

I add on that during such a roller coaster, emotional period of time, 9 months for me so far, the support of some individuals has made the whole difference for me. The lack of caring from others has hurt me terribly. I find it very difficult to see 'religious' people around showing no empathy or caring, even by a phone call.

Have a good week!
chaya bat sarah

JULY 4-10: THOUGHTS ON RADIATION ET AL

Hello once again:
I have now had 4 radiation treatments. Thank G. the treatment itself is quick, and nonpainful in any way. The getting to and fro,and the long waiting outside are lengthy. So you very easily use up a whole morning with this business, whether you come early or mid morning.

What has me so shocked is seeing the vast numbers of cancer patients, some of whom are still SMOKING, regardless of their state. It simply boggles my mind! I see people from all walks of life, rich, poor, religious, non-religious, Arab, Christian, Jewish, you see it all! I sometimes feel like I am in a group who is dealing with death close by but trying to keep on living. Will all of us gain years from all these months of treatments? Will we live without pain or declining in our abilities? How does one keep up a sense of optimism? Remember, from Oct. 09, I for one, has had my life center around operation, chemotherapy for months, infections, radiation and now in July, 2010 my life still centers around my coping ability. I have given up many outside activities due to fatigue. I grab my sleeping hours when I can, forgetting about a social life in the evenings for the most part.
I have given up my summer yearly travel to my home of origin. But hopefully, I will rise above this year and become active and motivated to do new things again in the future.
I remind myself always to be thankful that it is not worse for me. I have been told that by the end of a couple of more radiation treatments, I will have some negative reactions and more fatigue again. But so far so good, thank goodness.

I wish each and every reader good healthy days-enjoy life while we can.

JUNE 21-10 THE NEWEST CHALLENGE

I am now onto radiation. It was unbelievable to feel almost normal in the 1 week of no chemo. But psychologically and emotionally, I was and am still down that pit, trying to climb out, or trying to keep afloat in the ocean of worry, despondence, and not quite fitting in all around me.

But one foot goes in front of the other, and I try to enjoy each opportunity that comes my way. Had my first radiation meeting explaining to me briefly what it entails. This 2nd meeting was to paint the exact areas to be radiated. I would fit in well in an Indian tribe right now. By the grace of above, because I had no lymph nodes detected due to my yearly mammogram (DO IT), I will only need 3 1/2 weeks of daily radiation rather than 6 weeks. The challenge is more how to switch my mind from negative to positive hope, and where do I fit in, when until now my whole world has been weekly trips to the hospital and then living its after effects. Now this period will be to cope with the side effects of radiation. Hard to jump to each test, and to be somewhat 'normal' to the outside world.

That's about it in a nutshell for now. I wish good health to all.

june 8-TAXOL CHEMOTHERAPY TO STOP

HELLO:
Well, my 8th and last taxol chemo treatment was done yesterday. I imagine I will have the same fatigue feelings and feet and hand sensations, but it's another series finished. It is kind of scary, as going each week I knew that they are working on killing 'whatever' remains of cancer are there. But it was a stiff price to pay weekly, with 2 infections along the way.

Next week, I will go for a preliminary assessment for radiation at Hadassah Ein Karem. Then I will know more of what is in store for me. But there will be an interim now for my body to recuperate.

Had my breasts checked today with my surgeon-all o'kay, thank G. will come every 6 mos. and do a mammogram first to bring him.

My feelings are one of worry ( to discuss at a much later point) and utter fatigue. But hopefully, some light ahead. I must learn to live 'in the moment'. Life is right now, today. Yesterday is gone, past. Tomorrow is anyone's guess. So as much as I want to live and enjoy, I need to rest quite a bit.
Thanks again to all of who who are supporting me in your own way.
I hope that any readers are doing well in their lives.

JUNE 6-10 ALONG THE CANCER JOURNEY

Shalom
I seem less inclined to write lately, due to my extreme fatigue and worry. After the attack on my colon, I have lived in fear of another such attack. But thank G., I am simply tired, tired, along with the tingling of fingers and toes and exhaustion. So I choose to stay home for the most part, except for my teaching and some exercise to keep alive. Thank goodness for my little dog, which forces me out for short outings as well.

I have become a real kvetch. Reading and tv occupy my time mostly. I am so thankful for any books passed my way.
Anyways, I can hardly believe that tomorrow, June 7, may be my last Taxol chemo treatment. Most people have 12 treatments, but Dr. Cherney feels 8 is best for me. Then a rest to give my body a chance to recoup, and on to radiation. I have become so accustomed to treatment each week-I won't know what or how to cope.
Let's hope that tomorrow will pass o'kay with no bad effects.

Have a good day.
chaya bat sarah bayla

MAY 28-10 ANOTHER SNAG ALONG THE WAY

Shalom!
Well, another detour along my path to, hopefully, good health. After chemo #6 in this Taxol series, I developed excruciating stomach pains in my left side. That was followed by a sudden bleeding as well. In the hospital, I went thru' a CT scan. It seems that with the chemo, and then antibiotics for my arm problem way back in the first series, my immune system is low. Therefore I am more prone to infections. That's why I was so against chemo to begin with. So not new chemo treatment was given for now. I am once again on new antibiotics as the attack is on my colon, called 'colitis'. What I drink or eat will help nor harm, altho' I do try to eat less to make the colon work less. That is not very successful for me. Hopefully, when I finish my week of antibiotics, we may be able to resume the chemo treatment. I await to hear from my oncologist who decides. Being at home, resting a lot, seems to be my one way to cope these days.

I thank my readers who are hopeful and caring for me. Until the next write-up or editing of this one, bye for now.

MAY 20-10 BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE

SHALOM:
The oncology dept. is so full of very ill people. The doctors are swamped, as are the exceptional nurses. I have not been able to see and talk to my oncologist for over 2 months. I am so thankful not to have a more serious cancer, but nevertheless I do have concerns and issues and a need to ask questions. The nurses have been wonderful with answering, but they often have to tell you to talk to your oncologist. This past week was close to the point at which I either continue all 12 taxol treatments or stop at 8 which was a possibility to be considered. With no doctor to talk to, I was very much in the dark, altho' the nurses said that everyone on taxol does all 12 tipulim.
I know in my heart that this one lovely nurse drawing my blood must have gone and cornered my oncologist and spoken to him. Suddenly that day, he came to smile at me. His nurse then cornered me and made me an appt. for 2 days later to discuss issues. Later on that same day, she said to come by his office, and possibly they will do it that day. I know that had I not been my own advocate and spoken of my frustration to my nurse attending me, that this would not have occurred. Bless the efficient, hard working nurses, and yes, people out there, whether you are in the U>S> or Canada or here in Israel, etc., BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. Speak up for yourself and ask questions.

Some summary points after my meeting for us all to think about.

Fatigue is common and after several weeks and months this will improve. Radiation as well will have its fatigue component, but less. Each of my series has its side effects, and it all varies from treatment to treatment and on the individual.

Based on my side effects and blood level, etc. my present treatments will end after the 8 sessions. Then I will have some time to kind of
come back to myself before starting radiation.

As to depression, we all live with uncertainty in life but get thru'
by denial, says my Dr., but with cancer (and such serious illnesses like after a heart attack,the denial is broken. We must learn to live with the anxiety and push it back of our head so that we can still live but not have it blind you. We all have an illusion of control through healthy living, etc. but the baseline risk of being human, we are all facing our mortality. Time helps, says my Dr. This in a nutshell is some of our discussion. Our body has betrayed us, and it takes time to trust our body again.

If this information helps anybody out there, I am pleased.
May we all pray for each other.
MY best wishes to you.
chaya bat sara bayla

MAY 14-10 CONTINUING ON MY CANCERY JOURNEY

HI:
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A LONG TIME. MY CONSTANT FATIGUE AND 'DOWN' MOODS JUST EXTRACT A LOT FROM ME. BUT I HAVE DONE 5 TREATMENTS OUT OF THE 12 IN THIS TAXOL SERIES OF CHEMOTHERAPY. I KNOW THAT I AM LUCKY TO HAVE 'JUST THIS', BUT I STILL AM STRUGGLING WITH IT ALL. I AM LIMITING SO MANY OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES DUE TO LACK OF STRENGTH, TENDING TO STAY HOME MORE AND MORE AT NIGHT FOR SURE, AND EVEN FOR WEEK-ENDS. FROM MY HOME BASE, I SEEM TO FUNCTION BETTER.

TAXOL RESULTS FOR ME:
EXTREME WAVES OF FATIGUE, FATIGUE -ACCOMPANYING DEPRESSION
TINGLING OF TOES AND ACUTE AWARENESS OF IT DAY AND NITE
BAD BREATH
'DOWN' MOODS
BLOODY NOSTRILS AND NEED MEDICATION

BUT I DO REMIND MYSELF TO BE THANKFUL THAT I HAVE COME THIS FAR, AND HOPE TO FEEL STRONGER AT SOME POINT.
I WISH EVERY READER WHO IS DOWN AND UNDER TO FEEL BETTER REAL SOON. FOR YOU HEALTHY READERS, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TO EAT PROPERLY, EXERCISE AS WELL, AND BE HAPPY.
BYE FOR NOW ONCE AGAIN.

APRIL 26-10 LEARNING TO BE GRATEFUL

SHALOM!

When my body is fatigued, I tend to be down on myself, on life. I apologize for all of that. I have so much to be thankful for.
-I am getting care
-I am being accompanied by people who care
-I have help in my home
-I have my spot to live for now
-I have my friend, my dog
-I have caring friends and family
-I get out in the beautiful world
-I can e mail, phone, see, hear, walk, talk
-I can think-but I must work on myself to appreciate and not dwell on what is missing

So if you hear me complaining, you can remind me. My 3rd chemo is done, and except for utter fatigue, I feel fine, thank G.
I asked and was given an explanation why this series is so light compared to the prior series. Since I go every week for the whole day, then I can get lighter amounts per time rather than huge amounts every 3 weeks or 2 weeks. So it is easier on my system.
So I close thanking each of my caring individuals from close and from far who are thinking about me, loving and helping, each in their own way.
Thank you!

APRIL 22-10 THANK G. FOR EACH STEP

HI!
I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I CAN TOLERATE THIS SERIES OF CHEMOTHERAPY (TAXOL) WHEN I SIMPLY COULD NOT MANAGE AT ALL WITH THE FIRST SERIES. I SOMETIMES WONDER IF THEY ARE REALLY GIVING ME ENOUGH OF THE CHEMO IN THE INFUSION. NO NAUSEA MEANS I CAN FUNCTION. FATIGUE I KNOW TO SLOW MYSELF DOWN. SOME STOMACH CRAMPS I CAN TAKE, TINGLING AND FUNNY FEELING IN MY TOES I CAN ENDURE. BUT TO FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING-I CAN ALMOST FORGET THAT I HAVE CANCER-EXCEPT THAT THEY NOW SAY THAT THE CHEMO HAS MADE ME SOMEWHAT ANEMIC, AND THEY NEED TO MONITOR THAT.
SO ALL IN ALL, I FEEL VERY LUCKY. MY BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW IS IN THE REALIZATION THAT I WON'T GET TO TORONTO THIS SUMMER, WHERE I HAVE BEEN GOING FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS NON-STOP, AND OFTEN TWICE A YEAR. THAT'S WHERE ALL MY FRIENDS ARE. HERE I HAVE A BARE MINIMUM OF FRIENDS TO VISIT WITH, MEET ETC. HOWEVER, TO GET OVER THIS IS MY AIM, AND I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT.

AS I WROTE BEFORE, IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I TRULY AM BEING HELD UP BY PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT I AM ON TRACK AND NOT MORE DESPONDENT.
I WISH EVERYONE GOOD HEALTH-ENJOY LIFE WHILE YOU CAN. THAT SEEMS TO BE A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON THAT I AM LEARNING FROM PEOPLE AROUND ME.

APRIL 19-10 ONWARD ON MY JOURNEY

SHALOM!
WELL, I am into my second series of chemo. So far, thank G. so good. Fatigue I can live with, as long as I am not totally nauseous. The first week went by almost normally. Now I'm on my way for the 2nd chemo. Once a week, every week for 12 weeks-3 months. It's only because some family member or friend is by my bedside that I get thru' it without total depression. I remind myself to be thankful-I see and know how much worse off others are.

But this is my struggle now. to stay on top, even tho' it's not easy. I thank each and everyone who has offered prayers, calls, e mails, thoughts towards me. I wish everyone well.

APRIL 11-GETTING READY FOR NEW ONSLOUGHT

SHALOM!
I finally had the 'port' put in my chest, a more permanent hole so that I do not have to be pricked over and over again in my arm to find a good vein. Every treatment is a 'big' ordeal for me. I do worry and fret, but somehow get through it and its aftermath pain. But now it is a part of me, as was my operation, as was my blood clots. Everything in life comes and passes. My break of feeling 'normal' for Pesach was quite nice-but in the back of my mind is the worry-'what if the cancer is growing or attaching on to another molecule?' So that I just want to get onto the treatment and get it over with, although it is a long haul. 8-12 weeks, once a week of Taxol chemotherapy, where you are drugged and sleep or are half out of it, and lie there. Once I understand it all, I will express myself better. For now, I eat as I know it is difficult to do so once chemo sets in. Thank G. for my family who supported me for the insert of the port, for my family to sit by my side while under the Taxol drugs. Life is for now, every day, every minute. No one knows the future-even the healthy population.
So be well, enjoy today! Will write again at some point.

MARCH 28-SOON-BACK ON TRACK

SHALOM!
Finally, after doctor of infections, plastic surgeon doctor, oncologist nurses, finally, an ultra sound showed a thrombosis of the veins. So filled with chemo, then antibiotics, and lastly, a medicine to thin the blood, my arm is returning to normal. And so, had blood work done again so that I can have a 'port' inserted above the chest so that no needles will be needed weekly to start the 8-12 taxol chemo treatments. I dread going in on Isru Chag to hospital to have it done, but we must get this show back on the road so that someday, there will be an end. How divine it is to pretend that I am normal like everyone else just preparing for Pesach/Passover and living life. The only side effect still very evident is my extreme fatigue. I literally fall away early evening. But when I think of Gilad Shalit and other daily tragedies-fallen soldiers each day, I know to be thankful for where I am at.
I wish all ill people a speedy recovery and the strength to cope with what they must.
Happy holiday period to all-Chag Sameach. Until we 'meet' again .

ALONG THE JOURNEY OF CANCER-MARCH 20-10

Well, some days have gone by with no entries. The bumps along the road have kept me tired, hurting and I need and needed to rest this body and mind. Apparently my arm swelling was not an infection like they thought, nor a spillage of chemo into my arm, but a thrombosis of the veins, meaning a blood clot of the veins. Thus, I was swollen, had horrific pain, wore a sling to ease the pain of touch from others. Hopefully, both the antibiotics and now the blood thinner medications are helping. All chemo treatments have been put on hold until this all clears up. Basically, I am a get up and go person, but I keep retreating from my activities to rest periods more and more. But each day brings its thanks to be alive; somehow, one learns to live with pain, and to think it could be worse.
So let's not dwell too much on whatever is bothering us-others have it worse. Spring is coming/here, and life goes on. Reading books, good friends writing and being there for me, e mails all help to keep the spirit up, and the wonderful skies awaiting our ventures outside to breathe in this wondrous world.
Be well to any readers, and as one doctor puts it: 'Chin up'!

MARCH 12-10 LAY DOWN MY WORRIES

A full week of 'Will I be put into hospital or not?' In order not to overly worry, I keep remembering the spiritual song sung by the slaves way back when:

I'm gonna lay down my picks and shovels
Down by the riverside,.................

I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more!

If worrying will help me, believe me I am the first to worry. But since it doesn't, I keep singing this song over and over to myself changing the first verse to:
'I'm gonna put down my worries and woes'

I keep hoping that the oral anitbiotics will do the trick to heal this infection, but so far not. So I just live daily as much as I can with optimism. My next series of chemo has been put off until this issue is resolved. It seems now that after this Shabat, they will decide one again whether I need to be hospitalized for an infusion of high dosages of an antibiotic. I am like a child dreading any new needle into my arm. There is so much bravery, but now I am running low on trusting a clerk/nurse to be careful.

Oh well, today is what we have. The anticipation of Shabat, of somehow enjoying what we can while we can.
I wish any readers a good week-end, lots of good health coming your way, and for a peaceful mind.

MARCH 9-10 MAN PLANS AND THE UNIVERSE DECIDES

Well, life sure has its sudden surprises, shocks and changes. As I wrote previously, tomorrow, March 10, I was to start my 8-12 weeks of a new form of chemotherapy. But it seems that some infection is in my arm where I get all the blood work done, and it is swollen and hurts a lot. So before putting me into hospital, we are trying oral anti-biotics to see if hospitalization can be avoided, and my next series is on hold for the moment.So life is lived day by day, hoping for the best, adjusting to some pain. As one of my sons told me: each patient will have his/her individual ups and downs along the way. So I am working on trying to keep positive -and pushing out the negative thoughts.
That for sure teaches me that one can hope and plan, but we must leave room for the unexpected in our plans. Sometimes for me it means, just coasting along, appreciating each day, listening to my body when it says to rest more and to just 'be'.
Have a good week to any readers: hope that your time is being spent well.

MARCH 02-10 A SMALL BREAK!

Shalom!
What do I do with one Wednesday, today, before I start at least 8 Wednesdays of a new type of chemotherapy? Thank G. I am somewhat symptom free, except for tiredness and nausea , I seem to be drifting in between chemos and lacking substance in my life. I am used to really teaching and working full time, and volunteering. So I feel somewhat at loss with only some work at the moment. But some of my grandchildren and I went to a soup kitchen on Purim to dish out and serve hot meals to needy people, and altho' extremely tiring for me, it was wonderful to do it and to see at least one of my families doing this now for 2 years in a row. They brought Purim goodies from their whole community to give out, and my heart was delighted.
Anyways, back to my 1 free day of a Wednesday. I hope to visit a dear friend and see her new home-she has been so supportive altho' I rejected her for so long as I couldn't share with her or simply cry non-stop, so I stopped seeing her for so long. And I am going out with wonderful good friends for supper. Hopefully, I can do it all. I tire so easily, and I can't eat great amounts at once-I need small deposits often in my system. The inability to drink is not good for me, and so I rely a lot on soups. I have to keep telling myself to think positive, and not to dwell on what if's etc. I seem to have hibernated within my home, with small outings now and then. But when I teach, I am a different person. Thank G. for some ability left.
Be well, all of my readers. Enjoy the moment-which is what we really have. I have posted on my bulletin board a good thought:

Remember yesterday
Dream about tomorrow
But live today!

I challenge myself and you to do this today,-let's not worry about what could have, should have been in the past-we don't know our future, but are aware of our mortality at some point, but we have the gift of today hopefully!
Talk to you again!
chaya bat sarah bayla

FEB. 24-2010-CANCER 101 FOR BEGINNERS LIKE ME~

SHALOM!
Well, now that I'm into chemo #4, I have learned a lot of pointers to share with you.

1. Trust in your own feelings about your body-no one knows better than we do about what we are experiencing.

2. Stop beating yourself about why you feel so badly when others say they know others who swam thru' the whole process so easily.

3. Listen to your body-if it says, enough, rest, do it. Never mind that others can stay up til all hours, do what you need to survive.

4. Getting a bladder infection, a nose infection. swollen vessels in injected arm, leg cramps, tingling in toes, bad feeling of breath, nausea-all these are NORMAL, and part of the effects of the chemo going into your good cells as well, making us vulnerable to colds, infections, and any type of side effects. DON'T FEEL GUILTY (remember I am talking to myself and if it helps you, then wonderful). You are what you are-that is, I am what I am, and must cope as best I can, without feeling guilty that I am not stronger or not able to cope better.

Anways, chemo # 4 is almost done, I get the injection today. And that is the end of the 4 chemos. After a short break, I start an 8 wk. once a week injection of another series of chemo, while in bed for each Wed. for 8 weeks in the hospital. Hopefully, G. willing, it will be easier than the side effects of this past series.

next stage, will be discussed at a later date.

I can't believe I managed to withstand this first intensive part-it is all thanks to the wonderful people around me and from afar who have prayed for me, carried me along, fed me, sat near me, called me, wrote to me, sending me jokes to uplift my spirit, and simply caring. It means the world to me-THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I thank the 'above' for letting me get thru' this thus far.
I wish any other ill people better health and ability to cope-my list to pray for unfortunately gets longer than ever.

BYE FOR NOW.

FEB. 19-2010 THANK G. FOR BEING ALIVE

Well, it's been a good few days since I wrote. The fatigue of chemo has really affected me, but the nausea has subsided mostly, until of course, I begin my 4th session of chemo and a subsequent shot this upcoming week and I am back to square one (and perhaps it will be not as bad). I am learning constantly to listen to my body and what it needs, no matter where I want to be in society or where others want me to be. For me, this means going to bed early in the evening, as I am up early, like 2:30 a.m. daily!
Sleeping pills don't work so I stopped trying. I just cope as best I can with what my body needs. I also am learning to rest more and to not overdue my outings. I am so thankful for having this bit of respite between chemos( every 2 wks.), and force myself to walk (having my dog helps) and to do some exercise to strengthen me, and to not become a total couch potato.
For some of you who tell me that you cannot stand to read my blog, stop reading it. It is done for me, and perhaps to help someone else in a difficult medical situation.
I know that I am being carried along by some human angels on this earth who call me, write to me, pray for me, are with me , who even bring me food. Thank you all!
Adar hopefully will give us happiness both without and especially within. Shabat Shalom!

SHLEPPING ALONG-FEB. 12-10 THANK G.

HELLO:
WELL, 3RD CHEMO AND 3RD INJECTION DONE. STILL NAUSEA, KNOTS IN STOMACH, EXTREME TIREDNESS, BUT SHLEPPING ALONG AS BEST I CAN. I NOW GIVE IN TO MY BODY WHEN IT NEEDS TO SLEEP EVEN IF IT'S EARLY EVENING. MY DAY AND NIGHT ARE SO MIXED UP, BUT I DO WHAT I CAN.
CAN'T IMAGINE DOING ANOTHER CHEMO, AND THEN A NEW TYPE OF CHEMO AHEAD, BUT ONE DOES IT. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR EVERYONE WHO IS SUPPORTING ME MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TO DO THIS. I HAVE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE EACH LITTLE GESTURE, EACH BEAUTIFUL MOMENT OF BEING ALIVE, OF BEING ABLE TO FUNCTION ON THIS EARTH. MY TEACHING KEEPS ME LIFTED HIGH, THANK G.

I SIMPLY DON'T HAVE THE WORDS TODAY TO EXPRESS MORE, SO I WILL ADD ON PERHAPS LATER ON.
BYE FOR NOW.

ADDEND: I AM EXPERIENCING EXTREME FATIGUE, AND AM FINDING THAT I MUST STOP TO REST ON A BENCH, TO LIE DOWN, TO 'VEG OUT' MORE AND MORE OFTEN. THE FATIGUE HAS SUDDENLY INCREASED, AND I AM LEARNING NOT TO FIGHT IT. I SELDOM GO OUT IN THE EVENING NOW, DUE TO TIREDNESS. MY SLEEP HOURS ARE SO MIXED UP-I AM UP AND READING ALREADY BEFORE 4 A.M. AND SO IT IS A LONG DAY. THAT MIXED WITH SOME NAUSEA, KEEPS ME FULLY AWARE THAT I AM NOT THE REGULAR PERSON ON THE STREET, AND MUST MAKE THE CHANGES MY BODY IS CALLING OUT FOR. NICE WEATHER, NICE PEOPLE, NATURE ALL MAKE ME SO THANKFUL FOR SOMEHOW EXISTING ANYWAYS. I MUSTN'T FORGET ABOUT THE POWER OF READING TO ENTER OTHER WORLDS OTHER THAN MYSELF.
HAPPY ADAR TO US ALL-LET'S HOPE FOR A GOOD HEALTHY MONTH, WITH MANY GOOD THINGS.

CAPTAIN OF MY FATE/MASTER OF MY SOUL-FEB, 7-10

Today, before my new series #3 of chemotherapy, I treated myself to the movie INVICTUS, the story of Nelson Mandela. I highly recommend it. In it, Mandela reveals that while in prison he read and was influenced by a poem called Invictus, where the last 2 lines read:

I am the captain of my fate
I am the master of my soul.

This week-end I reread a book that I bought years ago, since I have been for so long thinking and searching for answers to the prospect of man dying. Rereading 'Staring at the sun: overcoming the Dread of Death', by Irvin D. Yalom, helped me to understand that we are all of us mortal human beings, with a beginning and an end. Somehow, I believe that we, at least I, find this a far off thing that only happens to other people, or very old or sick people. We tend to push these thoughts far away from our conscious thinking. Now, knowing that I have a form of cancer, a most dreaded disease, I have had to come to terms with the fact, that yes, I as all beings, had a beginning, a blossoming growing, producing stage, and do face my mortality. None of us 'healthy' souls know when our time on earth is to cease. It is simply unthinkable!

This poem Mandela refers to, which impressed him enough to pass it on to another leader in the movie, is worth reading. You can look it up through Google. But I believe a little differently:
we are not really the captains of our fate-we can dare to steer our life in certain directions, but it is far from our ultimate control.

But to be the master of our soul-that is possible. We can live whatever length of life we have with happiness and joy, trying to do the most for ourselves, for others, for this planet, for our youth, for our families. We can have difficult trying times physically and mentally, but we need to nourish and flourish our souls. That we are the masters of. Perhaps that is why I seem to be so bent on expressing my gratitude when I meet such nice people, and share good moments. Maybe I am realizing the passage of time for me, and want to fully live each moment with my soul full, as if to ward off the bad and inevitable end as fate will decree at some point in time.

So dear readers, if you are struggling, as I am, there is a fate for all of us, but while alive, we must help our soul to be complete and to live and yes, to enjoy whatever and whenever we can.
I hope my writing here doesn't sound too much like a preacher. I am writing this blog for me, and if you are reading it, you take the risk of liking it or not.
Bye again for now.

THANK THE LORD FOR SOME TIME TO FEEL NORMAL-FEB. 7-10

THANK THE LORD FOR A SHABAT WITH FRIENDS, AND ABLE TO EAT AND ENJOY. HOW WONDERFUL TO FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING. I FEEL LIKE I AM SO NEGATIVE WHEN I WRITE HERE,THAT I NEED TO SAY WHEN THINGS ARE GOOD. OF COURSE, TOMORROW IS ALREADY CHEMO #3. SO G. WILLING, I WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

LET'S HOPE THAT ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE IN SUCH A DIFFICULT TIME, WILL HAVE THEIR MOMENTS OF FEELING NORMAL AND EVEN BETTER THAN THAT. THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING TO SAY A GOOD WORD TO THE UNIVERSE/G./THE SUPREME POWERS FOR RECOVERIES.

chaya bat sara bayla
HAVE A GOOD WEEK!

'HODOO LASHEM KI TOV'-FEB. 4-10

I almost don't know if I am writing to myself, or to the supreme power or what. AFter a horrible evening last night of nausea non-stop, I woke up today, feeling and saying " Thank you Lord for letting me feel somewhat normal again". what pleasure to feel normal~ That lasted some 4 hours and now it's back to nausea. But I am so thankful to see and feel the rain, the hints of snow, to be able to put myself together and go to exercise osteoporosis class and to teach as if all is 100%. But it is, as I am alive and so thankful for the loving people around me.

I used to have a dog whom I named 'Ma tov". When I picked her up at the animal pound, I drove home singing: "Ma tovu ohalecha yaakov, mishkenatecha Yisrael". whence the name 'Ma Tov. Another acquaintance, when asked how she is, always answers: 'Hodoo lashem ki tov"! I like that answer.
All is well with the world in some form or other. Why I am writing all this, I don't know, except that in my feeling good hours this morning, I kept saying thank you over and over for letting me feel normal for now.
As it is already Thurs. afternoon here, I wish all of any readers good health and enjoy life and its splendors, no matter what else we have to carry on our shoulders.
Shabat shalom!

p.s. Please notice that in my blog of yesterday, I added on an addend later re my new hair arrangement.

Want to know nice people? Think of a mother of 12, not a real friend, but a nice neighbor, who begs me to accept a soup from her. After weeks of saying no need, I finally relent. She brings a pot of chicken soup, laden with tons of chicken and vegetables. I feel so badly to take away from a family of 12 plus parents, but she wanted to do it so badly. May she merit many mitzvot! I must say, that her soup is much better than mine! I must find out the secret!

THANK G. FOR EACH POSITIVE MOMENT-FEB. 4, 2010

Hello once again:

After several days of pain, using SEDURAL to ease the situation, finally received confirmation of an infection. My advice to anyone having the symptoms, don't wait for a full test to come back over several days, get the Sedural and the antibiotics and start. The reason I didn't do that, was that unless I was really sure I had an infection, I didn't want to start antibiotics for nothing. For another time, I will not wait. To be so uncomfortable, was far from acceptable. We learn from others and from experience.



Finally once again, I am able to go out to sit and dine with friends, family, altho' the nausea persists. But I feel more like myself. Of course, now I mentally prepare to start chemo #3 and its effects next week again. Highlights for me were and are: meeting friends, sharing special happenings-bat mitzva, wedding, sharing ideas. It means so much when you are having a difficult time to pass the time with others. I am thankful for calls, e mails, etc.



Aside from the infection, I seem to have a problem with blood in my nostrils. And so, again, I will go to a Dr. to investigate that. That's an outing! Not what I would prefer, but better than continuing to ponder its reasons and how to deal with it.



Wish you all better things to read on blogs. As my doctor says,

Chin up! I also think-this too shall pass, and the next challenge will come!

Bye for now.

p.s. How could I forget? Shows you that when you don't feel well, you forget about other items on the cancer journey.
On Mon. as I wrote you last week, I went back to my new lovely sheitl/wig lady. Had my head totally shaved in half a second. and cried for a split moment -it reminded me of the Auschwitz people-stopped crying, thinking:
"I'm so glad that my mother doesn't have to see me like this." And I must say that it is such a relief-no hairs falling in my clothes, in my pajamas, in my sink, into everywhere. I am so so relieved!! It will grow again, and I cover it anyways. I bought a beautiful new wig especially coated on the inside for a bare skull to not hurt, and it looks lovely if I say so myself. This week I have worn pretty scarves altho' not so pretty on me. It makes the cancer obvious. But now I will also be able to wear a wig and look normal. Well, now you are up to date.

Checked out my bloody nose-could be from the chemo-so another antibiotic creme for the nose. don't say that life is not interesting. Chicken that I am, I wouldn't let the Dr. burn inside my nose-I opted for the cream only. Hope it works.
Bye once again.

ALL AT ONCE -SOME HAPPENINGS! JAN. 31-10

All at once, I developed a bladder infection, sores in the mouth, and nausea (as always) accompanied by extreme fatigue, plus my scalp shedding hair. Bang!

Somehow, the extreme nausea and fatigue really has me almost flat still. It is hard to enjoy much, although I am being served excellent food, lovely company, but I feel like a washed out rag. However, 'this too shall pass'. I know to be thankful that it is 'only breast cancer', and that I am and older woman without young children. I am thankful, but somewhat down. I am truly thankful for all those who come to sleep here, to invite me, etc. I wish I was better company.

Since hairs are appearing everywhere, tomorrow, I will take it all off. I had already prepared some head scarves. Will let you know how I deal with it all.

HAVE A GOOD DAY! As my doctor so casually says, 'CHIN UP!'

CHEMO #2 JAN. 25-09

Well, it is amazing at what you can get used to. I simply detested the idea of sitting in a cancer ward with so many ill people attached to machines, and so many looking so dreadful. Not that I am a picture to behold either. But here, time for second round of chemo, and I walk in like I was accustomed to it all. Thank G. it all went well, and besides nausea which I get very easily, so far, so good. Tomorrow is the injection which totally set me on fire last time, but perhaps I will be equally surpirsed this time.

A note to all going thru' this. Be sure to order your 'heetchaivut' in advance and not at the last minute. And be your own doctor-make sure the secretary schedules your next sessions as planned out-they can and do make mistakes!

I feel very blessed and wish it on anybody living alone-that you be surrounded by loving people and family to somewhat travel this road alonside of you. As a head nurse said to me, 'You need TLC right now'. Not a nurse at home, but caring people. Thank you all to all my long distance callers, e mailers, and people close to home for me.

Hopefully, after my injection #2, I will feel well enough to write by the end of the week.
bye for now

JAN. 24-10-FROM HALF UTOPIA BACK TO REALITY

I have kept myself away from this blog for a whole week, feeling 'normal', miraculously after the week prior, and just enjoying eating again and functioning almost as if I am really normal without cancer. Some reality kept creeping in-going for genetic testing for my family's knowledge and my own. I will not go into any details until after I get results in March.

A lesson learned today: never leave getting your 'heetchaivut' until the day before. It proved to be a major mistake, leading to tension and stress unnecessarily. You can not get in for your blood test and chemotherapy without this permission slip (heetchaivut) from your kupa (health clinic).

So now finally, at 7 p.m. I have my big permission to spend a day getting chemotherapy once again, and then 1 1/2 days later, to have the injection. I pray that I will be able to handle it as well as I did last time, which wasn't great, but I didn't collapse totally either. I even managed to continue to teach with no one noticing how ill I really felt, and to do my osteoporosis exercise, albeit very mildly.

How much I have enjoyed my meals this past week without feeling nauseous! Simple, nutritious and pleasant! There is so much in the daily routine to be so thankful for!My book of abundance that I keep on my computer keeps me grounded and thankful always-I have been writing there for years already-a list of at least 5 or more things daily that I am thankful for. In this blog, I concentrate more on existing with cancer .

Thank you to all who are wishing me well. I try to remember others who are suffering and wish all of us a recovery.

Until the next time that we meet to 'talk', be well-kol toov!

FROM THE RUMBLING CHAOTIC STORM WITHIN ME, TO A BREAK OF SUNSHINE AND SOME REAL EATING AND LIVING-JAN. 18-10

With the start of chemo plus the injection 2 days later, I could barely eat, let alone function. But I did somehow manage to teach, some light exercise and act like I was one of the civilized 'normal' healthy beings. But I subsisted on a touch of soup and a cracker if possible. I could not then imagine continuing on like this. I had the choice of this extra injection to really doubly attack the cancer within and also shorten the whole chemo period. By providence's miracle of miracles, by Fri. nite, Shabat, I went with my son to eat at neighbors whom I very much like. Somehow, I started to eat with the family, and even enjoyed it. I had never eaten this much in over a week. Shabat day was sunny, lovely, and although I could not stay long in services as I keep falling asleep and abhor huge crowds now (fear of catching other's illnesses), I very much enjoyed the lunch Sabbat meal with other friends. My body though kept calling me back to rest, rest, rest, which I do now more than ever. Hard to believe it is me. And so with this week 'free' from treatments, I am able to eat more (although quite often nauseous and need a pill to relieve that feeling). A stupid, lovely movie and a bowl of soup w. my dear cousin helped me feel less 'down' yesterday. And so, with this respite of a week, I will try to accept the next hard week to come with its violent aftermath. Perhaps, second time round, it will be less horrendous. Who knows? I keep remembering to be thankful that it is only breast cancer and hopefully contained. My hair has not fallen out yet, altho' I did go to get fitted for my new head covering.

I think I have rambled on enough. With all of the above, I am so thankful to be here, alive, surrounded with loving people who care and don't desert me with my 'kvetchiness'. Again, I thank any and all of my readers for their good prayers and wishes. I pray for many other sick people and for all the misfortunate souls in the world.
It is now the month of Shvat-new blossoms coming out, now some rain finally. Nature continues its course in life, birth and death. Somehow we or I have to learn that it is all part of 'the plan'.
Until next time, enjoy, enjoy and work on being healthy and thankful, I tell myself and wish for you all.

THE WAR IS RAGING-JAN. 14-10

WHAT A NIGHT! MY HEART ACHES FOR ALL THE PEOPLE OF HAITI, AND THEIR SUFFERING. YET, MY WAR IS RAGING WITHIN ME. A KIND NURSE TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT MY REDNESS IN FACE SHOWS THAT A WAR IS RAGING INSIDE. BELIEVE ME, LAST NIGHT I BARELY SLEPT-I COULD FEEL THE BATTLE INSIDE MY CAVITIES, MY STOMACH, MY RIB CAGE-HOT BURNING ONES. IT KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT. BUT I TRIED TO REST, FINALLY GOT UP TO GIVE MYSELF A HOT FOOT BATH TO SOOTHE MY SOUL AND FEET. THANK G. I HAD A SON AND GRANDAUGHTER IN ADJACENT BEDROOMS, JUST THERE, DIDN'T DISTURB THEM, BUT KNOWING THEY WERE THERE, WAS ENOUGH FOR ME.
THANK G. IT IS MORNING, AND ONCE AGAIN, I WILL TRY TO KEEP UP, GOING TO TEACH, ETC.

I AM SO THANKFUL FOR A NEW DAY, FOR HOPE FOR ALL SICK PEOPLE, FOR A REAL HELP TO AID THE PEOPLE OF HAITI AND ALL OVER WHO ARE AILING AND LOSING FAMILY MEMBERS.

HOW FORTUNATE WE REALLY ARE WITH ALL THAT WE HAVE, WHEN YOU READ OF THEIR POVERTY.
HAVE A NICE DAY!

p.s. Teaching today was as if nothing at all was wrong with me. I try not to show it on the surface, as that is not fair to my teacher students. But thank G. for this gift I have to be able to reach children and adults alike, to teach, be with, relate to, and perhaps influence thoughts, feelings, and actions in the world. As Rosh Chodesh approaches, despite all the difficult moments, and periods we have, as individuals, as families, as a people, let's try to think of all the good that we have and to look forward to, G. willing. This is not my preaching. It is what I know will help me.

AN UPDATE on my cancer journey -Jan. 13-10

I HAD MY SHOT TODAY, AND AM HOPING THAT I WILL NOT HAVE TOO BAD A RESULT OF FLU AND HEAVY ACHINESS. I DID GET FLUSHED CHEEKS DUE TO ONE OF THE MEDICINES. SOME NAUSEA PERSISTS BUT THANK G. NO REAL VOMITING. I AM CUTTING OUT ALL VOLUNTEERING FOR NOW, AND CONTINUE TO TEACH , TO GO TO OSTEOPOROSIS EXERCISE, AND TO TRY AND LEARN TO RELAX A BIT AT HOME MORE (THAT ONE IS HARD TO DO).

I feel very lucky to have a bit of home help through the government.

I HAVE BEEN LUCKY TO HAVE SONS HERE AT NIGHT JUST FOR 'TLC' REASSURANCE THAT I REALLY FEEL BADLY. SO FAR, THANK G. THEY SLEEP RIGHT THROUGH WITH NO DISTURBANCE FROM ME.

I HOPE THAT ALL OUT THERE WHO ARE GOING THRU' THIS, WILL HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH AND FAITH AND FEEL WELL.

THANK YOU TO ALL MY GUARDIAN ANGELS ALONG THIS JOURNEY OF CANCER.

jan. 11-10 FIRST CHEMOTHERAPY DAY

These write-ups are bascially for me, but if will help anyone going thru' such a time, I will be very pleased. Also, I simply cannot keep up with the many phone calls (thank G.) and I cannot give out details over and over again. So you have this option, or via e mails, which I always answer personally, whenever I can do it.

After avoiding and negating, the whole idea of chemo, it was now time to simply do it,if I want to extend years of my life, to see nachas, G. willing, so I'm doing it.
Woke up at 3 a.m. day of chemo, forced myself to read articles, fold clothes, do a Suduko of all things. I tried to act like normal.

Some wonderful angels were sent to me for this day. An acquaintance , now a good friend from my w.w. class had asked me weeks ago, 'if I would give her the honor to help me in any way during this time'. I really never planned to ask her, but as life works out, she was the only one available and did she assist. She was there before me at 7:40 a.m. to get me a number in line, to acquire a comfortable quiet corner for me to spend the day, to take my blood work to the lab, which must be done before each treatment to see of all blood is in order. D. sat with me all morning, and then insisted on going to my health center to acquire a new prescription for me; then she raced back to return my health card, which I never go without.
My son, who works in this hospital, brought the wonder harp lady to play for all of us, so relaxing and soothing. I was lucky to get a 20 min. reflexology session, thanks to a nurse who got me in. Somehow the order for my intravenous had not gone in early enough, so although I arrived at 7:40 a.m. I had to wait 3 hours to begin. In the meantime, the insert into my veins was dislodged, and my arm swelled. Only after pain, did I see it, and then we had to find specialist for this, to remove it, find another spot (my veins are not clear), and to prick again and insert.

My supportive cousin came rushing over at her lunch time to be there bringing me a sandwich from the cafeteria. DUring chemo, you cannot drink anything hot, which was the hardest thing for me, but cold water all day or ice. I managed to read the paper, relax alone a bit, and then another cancer patient, whom I recently befriended, dropped in as she was there for a test.

Finally, I was the last to finish my chemo. as I had started so late. It was a long day!
At home, I did get quite quite nageous couldnt
eat ordrink. Believe it or not, another angel, a nurse, called ME to see how I am. She insisted that I take a pain pill and eat something. My wonderful neighbor who had shopped for me cooked a veg. soup and brought over warm soup, which I managed to eat a bit of, another angel for me.

Lastly, my wonderful son came to sleep over and reassure me.
Now, the next day, Jan. 12, I am trying to live normally, but am limiting my excursions. I did do a short osteoporosis class and walked a bit. That's about it.
Well, this write-up again, is for me, and whomever can benefit from it.

I again thank each and everyone of you who is praying, wishing me in your own ways, good luck.
Tomorow, I get an injection to double whammy attack the poison, but from that I am likely to get severe pains in my bones and body, and it is not sure if I can withstand this treatment.
We shall see.

Hope I haven't bored any of you readers.
Refuah shlaima,a full recovery, to all who are ill.
This Shabat starts a new month of Shvat, when flowers start to bloom. May our health bloom as the flowers and trees, and give us pleasure.

THANK YOU TO ALL MY GUARDIAN ANGELS, CHILDREN, FAMILY, FRIENDS, NURSES.

JAN.8-10: ME, THE CHICKEN STARTS TO BE AGGRESSIVE

Well, enough of feeling sorry for myself. If I have to fight, then I will try to. My chemo starts this Mon. I am also trying an injection 1 1/2 days later to really kill the remnants. This second part of injection may give me much more pain than even the chemo effects, but I will give it a try. This is not a medical update here, just some basic facts. Sleep is evading me but the beautiful weather and beautiful family popping in and being here keep me more upbeat.
May this Shabat Mevorchim (bringing in a new month) give all of us people w. medical issues or other, new hope for a good week and a good month.

Bye for this time. Shabat Shalom!

G. GIVE ME THE GRACE TO ACCEPT....JAN. 4-10

I am so reluctant to write again, as I am so negative about accepting chemo as a solution. I know that I should and am grateful for having come thru' the operation and feeling so like myself for the past few weeks. I would like to just forget all about it, and just live. But I remind myself of the prayer: 'G. give the the grace to accept what I cannot change'. I think these are not the exact words. How can I dare complain when there are so many other really horrible things going on in this world? Yet, me as a mere human being, am self-absorbed right now, altho' I do ache for every misfortune that I read and hear about. But I pray, that I will get tough when I must to do what I must, and try to keep my dignity and be independent as much as possible. I guess that's what I fear a lot-losing my total independence. I try to not ask for much help or to put anyone else out. Yet I know that to receive is important as is giving, except that giving comes much easier for me.

I humbly thank some of my readers who are filling me up with love and encouragement by your encouraging comments. My family from abroad kept me alive and feeling loved these last few weeks, and I am sorry to see them gone back to their lives, as they must.



Hopefully, when I write next, I will be more upbeat and gracious and very thankful for the type of cancer that I have.

If you can identify with any of my mood, I wish you strength to keep upbeat and hopeful and knowing that we each have to go thru' this life with smooth and rocky times. Sometimes, as it is now for me, the boat really rocks.

Bye for now.