Happiness is:
-feeling loved
-being accepted
-successful at work, etc. etc.
We all have things that make us 'happy'. And here I am happy and almost delirious about my choice of an oncologist. This matter simply drove me crazy, and I spent many hours trying to come to a change of oncologists, and to dare take another. I basically am afraid to venture onto new things, but do when I must. Anyways, thank G. for my choice. I found Dr. Cherney so caring, thorough, empathetic, calming. The fact that he too had had cancer and chemotherapy helped me realize he really knows what one goes through. The nurses were wonderful. I took a swine flu shot now before I start the chemo. The nurses invited me to have a guided explanation if I wished before I start the treatments, which is exactly what I need.
Next week, I am to take a heart test. The team of 6 oncologists will sit together next week to discuss my personal case, as well as others. He will study my particular needs (in the area of receptors-which I can't explain), and he will tell me about 2 different ways of chemo-for he and I to discuss and decide. Where I fit in to decide is beyond me, but it is reassuring that he will ask my opinion. I asked all kinds of questions like nausea, genetic testing (which I will do shortly for my family members to have). All in all, I went home reassured and still dreading what's coming, but resigned that it most likely can give me extra years when it kills remaining remnants.
Amazing that happiness can be about such a topic like chemotherapy, but choosing a right guide is so very important to me.
Good luck to any reader-I give thanks every moment of the day for each positive step along the way.
Thanks always to my wonderful supporters and concerned friends and family.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
WHAT TIME CAN DO: DEC. 24-09
Shalom once again:
Where I once was so shocked at my diagnosis of cancer, I now have learned to accept it somewhat. When I went to hear the pathology report finally, it was much less traumatic than at the beginning. I am still fighting the whole idea of chemotherapy, but know that with 3 tumors having been removed, I have no choice but to do it anyways. I feel very lucky and blessed that the cancer did not invade the lymph nodes or deep into my body. But I still am not comfortable with the feeling in my breast, which I hear takes a lot of time to heal. I have been busy enjoying family smachot, thank G. and going crazy finalizing which oncologist to use as my doctor. I go to see him this next week and hear about what's in store for me and when. I am lucky to feel the friendship around me and believe me, do we need it. To be honest, as brave as I seem to me, I am scared to the core inside. But I try to be positive and fill myself with emunah as best I can.
Thank you to any reader who is praying not only for me, chaya bat sara bayla, but praying for all sick people.
Bye for now.
Where I once was so shocked at my diagnosis of cancer, I now have learned to accept it somewhat. When I went to hear the pathology report finally, it was much less traumatic than at the beginning. I am still fighting the whole idea of chemotherapy, but know that with 3 tumors having been removed, I have no choice but to do it anyways. I feel very lucky and blessed that the cancer did not invade the lymph nodes or deep into my body. But I still am not comfortable with the feeling in my breast, which I hear takes a lot of time to heal. I have been busy enjoying family smachot, thank G. and going crazy finalizing which oncologist to use as my doctor. I go to see him this next week and hear about what's in store for me and when. I am lucky to feel the friendship around me and believe me, do we need it. To be honest, as brave as I seem to me, I am scared to the core inside. But I try to be positive and fill myself with emunah as best I can.
Thank you to any reader who is praying not only for me, chaya bat sara bayla, but praying for all sick people.
Bye for now.
Monday, December 14, 2009
PEACE OF MIND? TO RELAX AND FORGET? DEC. 15-09
Shalom to my blog:
What a laugh, to think that I could forget and just live and enjoy solely. One small phone call from a medical personnel, and bingo-the worries are right back here. Calls I should have made, and am late doing, decisions to make or change. But on the surface, I must keep myself cool, friendly and 'with it'. I could say, "I can't do this", but that won't help. So I will put my 'company face' on, and keep going. There are many pleasant moments with friends, enjoying the idea of a holiday of Chanukah, but my mind keeps counting the days and hours until the 22nd of Dec. Yet, I know basically what's in store, but you never really know until it is announced again to you, with whatever additions or changes. Kind people have told me stories over and over again of how so many recover and have recovered so well, and how some have never needed the chemotherapy at all . Miracles do happen, but not that often, I am told by the knowlegeable experts. My only advice that I could pass on to another in this rocky boat is to do the best you can. We are not 'other' people, nor can we compare or wish to be like others-strong, positive, upbeat. I must deal with myself, my fears, my positive and negative emotions all in one. Now, that I've written all this, how do I feel? I needed to put it in writing, and perhaps, in rereading, I can find new perspective to get through this week. Many good events are to be this week, G. willing. The challenge is to know what is, and to enjoy anyways. This is really a tough challenge.
What a laugh, to think that I could forget and just live and enjoy solely. One small phone call from a medical personnel, and bingo-the worries are right back here. Calls I should have made, and am late doing, decisions to make or change. But on the surface, I must keep myself cool, friendly and 'with it'. I could say, "I can't do this", but that won't help. So I will put my 'company face' on, and keep going. There are many pleasant moments with friends, enjoying the idea of a holiday of Chanukah, but my mind keeps counting the days and hours until the 22nd of Dec. Yet, I know basically what's in store, but you never really know until it is announced again to you, with whatever additions or changes. Kind people have told me stories over and over again of how so many recover and have recovered so well, and how some have never needed the chemotherapy at all . Miracles do happen, but not that often, I am told by the knowlegeable experts. My only advice that I could pass on to another in this rocky boat is to do the best you can. We are not 'other' people, nor can we compare or wish to be like others-strong, positive, upbeat. I must deal with myself, my fears, my positive and negative emotions all in one. Now, that I've written all this, how do I feel? I needed to put it in writing, and perhaps, in rereading, I can find new perspective to get through this week. Many good events are to be this week, G. willing. The challenge is to know what is, and to enjoy anyways. This is really a tough challenge.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
ONE MORE STEP ALONG THE WAY, DEC. 10-09
My first post operation check-up was done by a Dr. in surgery. He removed the remaining bandages, and said that the heavy feeling was swollen blood, and that time would reduce the swelling. He checked for me but the pathology is not back yet. I want it, yet I don't want to hear. So I have a week now to enjoy life as much as I can before my appt. on the 22nd, right after Chanukah. Teaching is wonderful as always, and I love it. I am very lucky to have friends around to take me out to dine, to call me etc. This upcoming Chanukah period is for lots of grandchildren and family, please G.
Each moment is so precious-do any of us really know how long we have here on earth? We all presume that only the old and the sick go, but one never knows. Anyways, I am working hard to uplift my positivity and faith. I tend to be a pessimist and am working on being more optimistic. May G. hear my plans and agree!
I wish all of you who just read this for fun, or who need this for your trying moments, a wonderful Chanukah. Every little bit of enjoyment is good for our mental health. The nicest part of my teaching is the laughing that we all do while learning. Why not make school and learning fun and not all drab?
Bye for now.
Each moment is so precious-do any of us really know how long we have here on earth? We all presume that only the old and the sick go, but one never knows. Anyways, I am working hard to uplift my positivity and faith. I tend to be a pessimist and am working on being more optimistic. May G. hear my plans and agree!
I wish all of you who just read this for fun, or who need this for your trying moments, a wonderful Chanukah. Every little bit of enjoyment is good for our mental health. The nicest part of my teaching is the laughing that we all do while learning. Why not make school and learning fun and not all drab?
Bye for now.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
WEEK-END THOUGHTS, FEARS, PLEASURES-DEC. 5-09
A Shabat was spent with one of my sons and loving family of grandchildren. I spent a lot of time reading and reading re proper eating patterns while going thru' cancer. Being on Weight Watchers for years already, I had felt that I am eating quite balanced and nutritious meals. It seems that it would be useful for we in this boat to eat more of the plant world and the natural fruits and almost negate all the meat and fowl elements. That is a very major change, and altho' I eat meat so very sparingly, I do enjoy my chicken and salmon. Having little or not bread, even whole wheat is very difficult for me. But I shall try to moderate my eating pattern, altho' I already broke it today due to circumstances unforseen.
In addition, and more to the point, I read extensively re
chemotherapy and its effects. I have always had very negative feelings about this treatment, but in my case, it seems imperative. But I will wait until the pathology results to further explain why this seems to be my only route possible.
So my friends, who may be in the same boat, let's enjoy our homes, our friends, our work-I started my teaching 2 days after surgery, albeit only very part time. No one knows what's coming next in life, so let's live today and each day. I again say thank you to all who are carrying me along with their friendship, caring and prayers. I pray for all who have to go thru' this to try and keep positive-for me, that is my down side, I really need to remind myself constantly to think positive!
Until the next time-bye for now.
In addition, and more to the point, I read extensively re
chemotherapy and its effects. I have always had very negative feelings about this treatment, but in my case, it seems imperative. But I will wait until the pathology results to further explain why this seems to be my only route possible.
So my friends, who may be in the same boat, let's enjoy our homes, our friends, our work-I started my teaching 2 days after surgery, albeit only very part time. No one knows what's coming next in life, so let's live today and each day. I again say thank you to all who are carrying me along with their friendship, caring and prayers. I pray for all who have to go thru' this to try and keep positive-for me, that is my down side, I really need to remind myself constantly to think positive!
Until the next time-bye for now.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
IN BETWEEN CALM, SECURE, AND FEAR-DEC. 4-09
I first of all am so thankful to the universe of love that has surrounded me. The godliness in so many human beings is what makes our G. so real, as we all have this potential within us. Thank you all. At the same time, I am praying for Gila bat Bella, who undergoes surgery today, as well as are so many all over, I am sure.
Thank G. my throat that was somewhat hurt during the operation by the tube down my throat, is improving, and I can speak and drink more easily without so much pain. It's weird that this has caused me more pain than the side operated on. So I am feeling so lucky to have passed this first trial. Am in limbo, happy and trying to not think of what's coming, altho' I know it's on its way. Maybe I'll be lucky to be strong to handle it. Anyways, life gives us and we must take on what comes our way. I am lucky that I feel so surrounded by caring wonderful images of G. in the forms of family, friends. I focus now on seeing the beauty in everything-nature, my spot to live in, my sweet little dog, Mocha, my love of my teaching, the beauty of Shabat coming each week, of sharing smachot far and near, and always being aware of man's mortality, including mine.
So to any womany going thru' this trial, take the good given to you by life, by others and hang on to all that good and love.
Shabat Shalom until I write again. This blog is really done for me-I just knew I had to do it. If it helps one person, I will be thrilled. As well, I have an 'Abundance' journal, that I keep on my computer,where almost every day, I jot down 5 or more good things that I am thankful for that day. It's amazing that even amidst problematic times, there are good things to be thankful for all the time!
Thank G. my throat that was somewhat hurt during the operation by the tube down my throat, is improving, and I can speak and drink more easily without so much pain. It's weird that this has caused me more pain than the side operated on. So I am feeling so lucky to have passed this first trial. Am in limbo, happy and trying to not think of what's coming, altho' I know it's on its way. Maybe I'll be lucky to be strong to handle it. Anyways, life gives us and we must take on what comes our way. I am lucky that I feel so surrounded by caring wonderful images of G. in the forms of family, friends. I focus now on seeing the beauty in everything-nature, my spot to live in, my sweet little dog, Mocha, my love of my teaching, the beauty of Shabat coming each week, of sharing smachot far and near, and always being aware of man's mortality, including mine.
So to any womany going thru' this trial, take the good given to you by life, by others and hang on to all that good and love.
Shabat Shalom until I write again. This blog is really done for me-I just knew I had to do it. If it helps one person, I will be thrilled. As well, I have an 'Abundance' journal, that I keep on my computer,where almost every day, I jot down 5 or more good things that I am thankful for that day. It's amazing that even amidst problematic times, there are good things to be thankful for all the time!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
SOME HIGHLIGHTS OF A 3 DAY HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
There are some thoughts I don't want to forget, nor the wonderful people involved.
Rather than offending someone, I am not entering names, but they will know who they are, and how much I am so appreciative of their time and caring.
Going for a bowl of soup before entering the hospital-being picked up and driven no matter how busy my supporters are
My grandaughter, newly married, leaving her husband for the first time, to come and sleep on the floor next to me, to help me to the washroom, etc. right after surgery
My son who arranged a harp lady, who plays for the very ill women in oncology, to come to my room for me to hear the most beautiful peaceful relaxing harp melodies. I tear up each time I think of that ultimate pleasure and 'pinuk' (spoiling me).
To Dr. Olsha who didn't let me down, but performed his skilled hands to personally do my surgery, even tho' this was not the norm.
to my cousins who never left my side for a moment and who promise to be there to walk me through each of the upcoming rough stages.
to all those wonderful people whom I knew were saying their prayers and wishes so that I may live to be healthy again-and G. willing, when I do, I hope to right back up one floor at Sharei Tzedek back to the new born baby unit to help with those delicious miraculous births, back to Meir Panim to help serve the hungry and lonely, and of course, back to my teaching wherever and whenever I can.
I feel very lucky that I have come this far, and hope to keep this spirit up , even as it gets tough out there.
Thank you all again for your good wishes, warmth, love and prayers.
chaya bat sara bayla
I pray for all who are going thru' this, that you will have people around you to embrace you with their warmth and encouragement.
Rather than offending someone, I am not entering names, but they will know who they are, and how much I am so appreciative of their time and caring.
Going for a bowl of soup before entering the hospital-being picked up and driven no matter how busy my supporters are
My grandaughter, newly married, leaving her husband for the first time, to come and sleep on the floor next to me, to help me to the washroom, etc. right after surgery
My son who arranged a harp lady, who plays for the very ill women in oncology, to come to my room for me to hear the most beautiful peaceful relaxing harp melodies. I tear up each time I think of that ultimate pleasure and 'pinuk' (spoiling me).
To Dr. Olsha who didn't let me down, but performed his skilled hands to personally do my surgery, even tho' this was not the norm.
to my cousins who never left my side for a moment and who promise to be there to walk me through each of the upcoming rough stages.
to all those wonderful people whom I knew were saying their prayers and wishes so that I may live to be healthy again-and G. willing, when I do, I hope to right back up one floor at Sharei Tzedek back to the new born baby unit to help with those delicious miraculous births, back to Meir Panim to help serve the hungry and lonely, and of course, back to my teaching wherever and whenever I can.
I feel very lucky that I have come this far, and hope to keep this spirit up , even as it gets tough out there.
Thank you all again for your good wishes, warmth, love and prayers.
chaya bat sara bayla
I pray for all who are going thru' this, that you will have people around you to embrace you with their warmth and encouragement.
HOME SWEET HOME, THANK G.Dec. 2-09
With profound thanks to the Upper Power, and to all of you who filled me with hope and love and caring, I thank you. I could not have done it alone. Thank you, thank you- for your prayers, your concern, your kind gestures . Well, the 2 tumors are out plus a couple of lymph nodes for pathology. G. willing, if they find no more problems there, they will then plan out my course of chemo, depending on stage, type of cancer, etc. Dr. Oded Olsha was simply marvelous. The only flaw was the tube down my throat during the operation which has left me very sore, barely able to talk or drink or eat, but knowing me, I find a way anyways to eat. I found Sharei Tzedek wonderful almost 100%. Having it done close to home gave me some security. To those who were with me almost minute by minute in person or by phone and especially long distance, I thank you for carrying me through.
I just hope that I can be this brave when the next stage begins. I have 3 weeks now until I meet with the surgeon to hear exact info and to begin the chemo stage. So G. willing, I will focus on getting back to teaching, living, enjoy a family simcha, until the next frightening part comes. But G. has given me tough times before, and he has carried me thru'. When I look back on life, not all of it is easy by far. But hopefully, I have miles to go before I sleep!
Again, I pray that this blog will help others-and I pray for everyone out there needing encouragement. We have many people, drs., scientist, students (like my grandaughter) who are constantly studying and searching for answers to this illness. May help come for many during our era.
Kol toov -talk to you again. My heartfelt thanks again-to my dear drivers, feeders, listeners,
I just hope that I can be this brave when the next stage begins. I have 3 weeks now until I meet with the surgeon to hear exact info and to begin the chemo stage. So G. willing, I will focus on getting back to teaching, living, enjoy a family simcha, until the next frightening part comes. But G. has given me tough times before, and he has carried me thru'. When I look back on life, not all of it is easy by far. But hopefully, I have miles to go before I sleep!
Again, I pray that this blog will help others-and I pray for everyone out there needing encouragement. We have many people, drs., scientist, students (like my grandaughter) who are constantly studying and searching for answers to this illness. May help come for many during our era.
Kol toov -talk to you again. My heartfelt thanks again-to my dear drivers, feeders, listeners,
Saturday, November 28, 2009
YOU ARE INVITED! NOV.26-09
This week I was invited to a family wedding and to a Bar Mitzva Kiddush. But lo and behold I found a new invitation, delivered by telephone while I was teaching.
'You are invited to an operation'! said the secretary of the hospital of Sharei Tzedek. Finally, after all this long, long wait, I am called with such an invitation. Well, I cracked up-laughed, and thanked her for inviting me to my operation. And so, I am now packing my light bag, as I have been warned to pack or face being robbed in the hospital, even as I go to the washroom.
I have spent my last few days loving life, enjoying whatever I face-the outdoors, my wonderful teaching in and out of home, my delicious grandaughter over Shabat, dining with my dear relatives. I have been inundated with telephone calls-if only people knew just how much these calls mean , and how even when not faced with a hospitalization, that we people need calls all the time, even for a moment (e mails included). No man is an island! and least I am not, even tho' I love my privacy as well.
So I probably won't write in this blog for a while, depending on my use of my right arm when I come home.
I thank you always for your good wishes and caring
'You are invited to an operation'! said the secretary of the hospital of Sharei Tzedek. Finally, after all this long, long wait, I am called with such an invitation. Well, I cracked up-laughed, and thanked her for inviting me to my operation. And so, I am now packing my light bag, as I have been warned to pack or face being robbed in the hospital, even as I go to the washroom.
I have spent my last few days loving life, enjoying whatever I face-the outdoors, my wonderful teaching in and out of home, my delicious grandaughter over Shabat, dining with my dear relatives. I have been inundated with telephone calls-if only people knew just how much these calls mean , and how even when not faced with a hospitalization, that we people need calls all the time, even for a moment (e mails included). No man is an island! and least I am not, even tho' I love my privacy as well.
So I probably won't write in this blog for a while, depending on my use of my right arm when I come home.
I thank you always for your good wishes and caring
Monday, November 23, 2009
A MEMBER OF A CANCER CLUB? NOV. 22-09
WHEN I WAS GIVEN MY DIAGNOSIS, I WAS TOLD: 'WELCOME TO THE CLUB.' I.E., the cancer club. My immediate answer was: 'I don't want any part of this-I don't wish to be a member of such a clan'. Well, from Oct. 21 to Nov. 22, I found myself yesterday going to my first meeting at Beit Natan. I was repulsed to attend, but did so, hoping that somehow I could see others coping so beautifully and more than that, to learn something from an expert oncologist.
I sat there, feeling different, not happy to be there, but curious like human beings are at times. We were 5 young women with young families, and my heart broke for them. 4 of us were older women, that is, mature women by age at least. The evening was informative, and I made a good contact with a woman next to me, who has gone thru' so much. I admire all these strong women. My own immediate family keeps telling me of all the successes in cancer operations and treatment, and poo-pooing my concerns. Yet, the head leader, kept referring to our 'illness' and to our ongoing worries and concerns. She knew that this is real for us, and without an immediate end, as others try to tell me. Facing an operation, and chemotherapy, and a period of oral drugs, and weeks of radiation does not sound cut and dry to me. And the reccurence of the cancer is many of those present, plus my own doctors telling me that yes, this worry will always be with us for the rest of our lives.
But life goes on. I took out books from their library on cancer, all free to borrow. I really don't know how I feel about it all-next week's operation is the focus for now. I was the only one there who was before surgery. So I saw lots of wigs worn to cover loss of hair, lots of talk re pills making one ill, etc.
I am busy continuing my life with stocking up in my home, soaking up some sun while walking, staying in contact thru' e mails, and this blog.
May the light of Chanukah approaching reach each and every cancer carrying woman and light our way. We need the support,the hugs, the calls, even by e mail.
Bye for now.
I sat there, feeling different, not happy to be there, but curious like human beings are at times. We were 5 young women with young families, and my heart broke for them. 4 of us were older women, that is, mature women by age at least. The evening was informative, and I made a good contact with a woman next to me, who has gone thru' so much. I admire all these strong women. My own immediate family keeps telling me of all the successes in cancer operations and treatment, and poo-pooing my concerns. Yet, the head leader, kept referring to our 'illness' and to our ongoing worries and concerns. She knew that this is real for us, and without an immediate end, as others try to tell me. Facing an operation, and chemotherapy, and a period of oral drugs, and weeks of radiation does not sound cut and dry to me. And the reccurence of the cancer is many of those present, plus my own doctors telling me that yes, this worry will always be with us for the rest of our lives.
But life goes on. I took out books from their library on cancer, all free to borrow. I really don't know how I feel about it all-next week's operation is the focus for now. I was the only one there who was before surgery. So I saw lots of wigs worn to cover loss of hair, lots of talk re pills making one ill, etc.
I am busy continuing my life with stocking up in my home, soaking up some sun while walking, staying in contact thru' e mails, and this blog.
May the light of Chanukah approaching reach each and every cancer carrying woman and light our way. We need the support,the hugs, the calls, even by e mail.
Bye for now.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
NOV. 30 DATE HAS BEEN DECLARED!
Well, now that I have actually been told the D day, I just continue to plod on daily to try to arrange Bituach Leumi (help in house), to Meuchedet (my health coverage plan), and to continue my life as if there is no day set to totally change my life, at least for now and beyond.
If I think too much, it won't be good, and I am sure I will do enough of that at the last minute.
I am having a lumpectomy initially, with a possible 2nd operation in case they find lymph nodes that need to be removed in addition. That is step one. I will discuss further things further on. I am kind of spaced out, but not really, as I am doing all the preparations on my own, other than when Dr. Olsha tells me that I must bring 'someone' with, then my dear cousin is walking there right beside me. The phone calls have been so helpful and uplifting. The nicest gift anyone can give a person facing difficulties is the gift of time, time to call and listen, time to perhaps visit for a short time if it is wanted by the 'patient'.
And life marches on-Oct. 21-now Nov. 19-soon to be Nov. 30, but many miles to walk until then-to enjoy life's daily blessings and activities.
I wish each and every one who may be following this blog due to illness a refuah shlaimah, a speedy recovery.
Bye for now.
If I think too much, it won't be good, and I am sure I will do enough of that at the last minute.
I am having a lumpectomy initially, with a possible 2nd operation in case they find lymph nodes that need to be removed in addition. That is step one. I will discuss further things further on. I am kind of spaced out, but not really, as I am doing all the preparations on my own, other than when Dr. Olsha tells me that I must bring 'someone' with, then my dear cousin is walking there right beside me. The phone calls have been so helpful and uplifting. The nicest gift anyone can give a person facing difficulties is the gift of time, time to call and listen, time to perhaps visit for a short time if it is wanted by the 'patient'.
And life marches on-Oct. 21-now Nov. 19-soon to be Nov. 30, but many miles to walk until then-to enjoy life's daily blessings and activities.
I wish each and every one who may be following this blog due to illness a refuah shlaimah, a speedy recovery.
Bye for now.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
THE SPACE OF TIME OCT. 21-NOV. 17 AND COUNTING
To anyone going thru' this waiting game, yes, it is unbelievable. On Oct. 21, I already knew that I have a cancerous gush, an aggressive one at that. But until today, Nov. 17, after many tests and numerous ultra sounds over and over again, I am still waiting for the end of the month hopefully, and not wanting it at all. That meant going to a book meeting, to a Shabat kiddush and learning session, to a week-end bar mitzvah of a dear friend's grandson, and saying not a word to any of them so as to ruin their special time.
Had I known that it would take this long to get the operation part over with, and that is only the beginning part, I probably would never have let my close friends know yet. I assumed that my surgeon would somehow push me in earlier.
Anyways, it is a wonder of life that I go on enjoying each and every moment of teaching, walking, breathing, laughing, and yet pondering constantly-will I live with all of this or after all of this operation, chemotherapy, radiation,etc. So many people tell me the good results for many women, and thank G. for that. But I know from the current literature, that not everyone does make it. And I STILL WANT TO LIVE. So I thank G. for all of you who are supporting me emotionally-I would hate to feel totally alone. Bless all of you who are going thru' a terrifying experience like me, and I pray for all of us to have the strength to deal with it and to overcome if the universe has decreed that for us. Not everything is in our hands, but I will use my hands and head and thoughts to help push myself along. I thank all the more devout people than me who daven for all sick people.
It's so appropriate and lucky for me to have found a learning group about Tehillim even before I was diagnosed. I wait eagerly for every Wed. to attend, and soak in the Tehillim of Shabat prayers that we usually say so automatically.
Well, I've rattled on enough for today. Thank you again for davening for
chaya bat Sara Bayla, and for all the sick.
A good month-chodesh tov=may Kislev bring us who need it so badly light to lighten our path.
Had I known that it would take this long to get the operation part over with, and that is only the beginning part, I probably would never have let my close friends know yet. I assumed that my surgeon would somehow push me in earlier.
Anyways, it is a wonder of life that I go on enjoying each and every moment of teaching, walking, breathing, laughing, and yet pondering constantly-will I live with all of this or after all of this operation, chemotherapy, radiation,etc. So many people tell me the good results for many women, and thank G. for that. But I know from the current literature, that not everyone does make it. And I STILL WANT TO LIVE. So I thank G. for all of you who are supporting me emotionally-I would hate to feel totally alone. Bless all of you who are going thru' a terrifying experience like me, and I pray for all of us to have the strength to deal with it and to overcome if the universe has decreed that for us. Not everything is in our hands, but I will use my hands and head and thoughts to help push myself along. I thank all the more devout people than me who daven for all sick people.
It's so appropriate and lucky for me to have found a learning group about Tehillim even before I was diagnosed. I wait eagerly for every Wed. to attend, and soak in the Tehillim of Shabat prayers that we usually say so automatically.
Well, I've rattled on enough for today. Thank you again for davening for
chaya bat Sara Bayla, and for all the sick.
A good month-chodesh tov=may Kislev bring us who need it so badly light to lighten our path.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
AS TIME GOES ALONG....NOV. 15-09
It'so amazing that you know you have an aggressive tumor, but you must wait your turn amongst the many waiting women, and so you pretend that all is well. After all, I don't feel anything, nor did I from the beginning. But I KNOW!
And so, a most beautiful Shabat passed-lovely company, singing zemirot, laughing at the cutest baby, walking in the sun, davening in the sun for a good Rosh Chodesh, marvelling at the beauty of life, yet, still down deep.. So I grab onto the wonderful moments, cherish each and every person so dear to me, each lovely piece of music, try to live and enjoy daily. Having always worked full time until this year, having some free time to write, read, is so nice. Maybe now I can go back to some volunteering before I won't be able to.
Again, I thank each and every one of any readers to daven for
Chaya bat Sara Bayla , and I wish every one of you a refuah shlaimah and besorot tovot.
Until the next write-in......
And so, a most beautiful Shabat passed-lovely company, singing zemirot, laughing at the cutest baby, walking in the sun, davening in the sun for a good Rosh Chodesh, marvelling at the beauty of life, yet, still down deep.. So I grab onto the wonderful moments, cherish each and every person so dear to me, each lovely piece of music, try to live and enjoy daily. Having always worked full time until this year, having some free time to write, read, is so nice. Maybe now I can go back to some volunteering before I won't be able to.
Again, I thank each and every one of any readers to daven for
Chaya bat Sara Bayla , and I wish every one of you a refuah shlaimah and besorot tovot.
Until the next write-in......
Thursday, November 12, 2009
SOME NEW OBSERVATIONS AND FEELINGS-NOV. 12-09
SOME TIME HAS PASSED, AND DUE TO MY INEXPERIENCE WITH BLOGGING, I HAVE 2 INITIAL BEGINNING ENTRIES RATHER THAN ONE.
THIS PAST WEEK HAS BEEN ONE FILLED WITH TEST AFTER TEST IN PREPARATION FOR ENTRY INTO THE HOSPITAL FOR REMOVAL OF THE 'GUSH'.
THAT INCLUDES BLOOD WORK, A CARDIOGRAM, A BODY IMAGING PROCESS, A 'CT ' SCAN. I DID ALL OF MINE IN A FLURRY, HOPING THAT BY MY SPEED, IT WOULD SPEED UP MY TURN TO QUICKLY ENTER AND HAVE THIS HORRENDOUS MONSTER REMOVED INSTANTLY. BUT SUCH DID NOT HAPPEN. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE MANY WOMEN ON THE LIST OF MY DR. AND OF MANY OTHERS WAITING FOR THIS 'DELUXE' PLEASURE.
IN ONE OF MY BLOOD WORK TESTS, A RATHER INCOMPETENT NURSE COULDN'T FIND MY VEIN EASILY, AND BOTCHED IT UP. BY THE NEXT EVENING, I HAD DEVELOPED AN INFECTION IN MY LEG AND HAND. I COULDN'T STAND OR MOVE MY TOES NOR WALK. IT WAS TRULY A TERRIFYING TIME, AS I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. BARUCH HASHEM, WITH THE USE OF A CANE WHICH I HAPPENED TO HAVE IN MY HOME, I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO CRAWL, HOLD ON TO WALLS UNTIL THE NEXT DAY, WHEN MY GENERAL PRACTITIONER CONCLUDED THAT IT WAS AN INFECTION, AND SLOWLY, WITH THE USE OF THE CANE, I PROGRESSED BACK TO BEING NORMAL IN MY WALK.
AND NOW AS I WAIT ONE WEEK, 2 WEEKS, SO POSITIVE THAT NOW FOR SURE, MY SURGEON WILL HAVE ME PAGED FOR SURGERY, BUT NOT YET. I HAVE GONE BACK TO HIM AT HIS REQUEST AND HAVE HAD ULTRA SOUND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I AM BECOMING AN EXPERT AT READING THE ULTRA SOUND MACHINE AND SPOTTING THE GUSH MYSELF.
WHEN YOU ARE TOLD: 'DON'T COME ALONE. BRING SOMEONE,' YOU DO GET FRIGHTENED BUT GOOD. BUT THE EXTRA PERSON IS THERE TO WRITE DOWN THE DR.'S COMMENTS AS A BACK UP FOR ME, IN CASE I MISS SOMETHING OR MISUNDERSTAND A COMMENT.
AND SO, I AM SO VERY THANKFUL TO HAVE DAYS RIGHT NOW AFTER THE SHOCK AND THE SLEW OF TESTS TO JUST ACT NORMAL- TO TEACH, TO COOK, TO WALK OUTSIDE IN THE LOVELY AIR, TO SEE THE WORLD CONTINUING LIKE ALWAYS. AND I FIND MYSELF LAUGHING AGAIN, WANTING CONTACT WITH MY FRIENDS, WITH MY STUDENTS, WITH STRANGERS.
PERHAPS IT'S ALL A BAD DREAM. MAYBE I CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND IT WILL DISAPPEAR. BUT MY DEAR COUSIN DOESN'T LET ME GO THAT WAY, NOR DO MY BROTHER AND SISTER-IN-LAW. THEY KEEP ME GROUNDED.I MUST DO WHAT I MUST DO.
FOR ME THAT MEANS HAVING SURGERY, AND EVEN A POSSIBLE SECOND SURGERY IF THEY FIND THAT THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OUT. KNOWING THAT IN ADVANCE IS SO UNSETTLING, TO PUT IT MILDLY.
THEN FOLLOWS SOME TIME TO RECUPERATE, WHATEVER THAT MEANS. ON TO CHEMOTHERAPY, THEN A TIME LAPSE FOR OTHER MEDICINES FOR SOME OTHER PROTEIN LACKING (I TRULY DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL OF THAT), AND THEN ON TO RADIATION.
IT'S LIKE AN UNREAL MOVIE ABOUT TO COME OUT ON THE SCREEN. EXCEPT THAT IT'S ME, MY LIFE. I JUST WANT TO TEACH AND TEACH AND LIVE AND BREATHE AND GIVE TO OTHERS AND NOT HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE.
I THANK YOU ALL WHO ARE READING THIS BLOG, FOR PRAYING FOR ME
CHAYA BAT SARAH BAYLA.
I thank each and every one of you who is including me in your tefillot. May we all know of besorot tovot. SHABAT SHALOM!
THIS PAST WEEK HAS BEEN ONE FILLED WITH TEST AFTER TEST IN PREPARATION FOR ENTRY INTO THE HOSPITAL FOR REMOVAL OF THE 'GUSH'.
THAT INCLUDES BLOOD WORK, A CARDIOGRAM, A BODY IMAGING PROCESS, A 'CT ' SCAN. I DID ALL OF MINE IN A FLURRY, HOPING THAT BY MY SPEED, IT WOULD SPEED UP MY TURN TO QUICKLY ENTER AND HAVE THIS HORRENDOUS MONSTER REMOVED INSTANTLY. BUT SUCH DID NOT HAPPEN. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE MANY WOMEN ON THE LIST OF MY DR. AND OF MANY OTHERS WAITING FOR THIS 'DELUXE' PLEASURE.
IN ONE OF MY BLOOD WORK TESTS, A RATHER INCOMPETENT NURSE COULDN'T FIND MY VEIN EASILY, AND BOTCHED IT UP. BY THE NEXT EVENING, I HAD DEVELOPED AN INFECTION IN MY LEG AND HAND. I COULDN'T STAND OR MOVE MY TOES NOR WALK. IT WAS TRULY A TERRIFYING TIME, AS I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. BARUCH HASHEM, WITH THE USE OF A CANE WHICH I HAPPENED TO HAVE IN MY HOME, I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO CRAWL, HOLD ON TO WALLS UNTIL THE NEXT DAY, WHEN MY GENERAL PRACTITIONER CONCLUDED THAT IT WAS AN INFECTION, AND SLOWLY, WITH THE USE OF THE CANE, I PROGRESSED BACK TO BEING NORMAL IN MY WALK.
AND NOW AS I WAIT ONE WEEK, 2 WEEKS, SO POSITIVE THAT NOW FOR SURE, MY SURGEON WILL HAVE ME PAGED FOR SURGERY, BUT NOT YET. I HAVE GONE BACK TO HIM AT HIS REQUEST AND HAVE HAD ULTRA SOUND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I AM BECOMING AN EXPERT AT READING THE ULTRA SOUND MACHINE AND SPOTTING THE GUSH MYSELF.
WHEN YOU ARE TOLD: 'DON'T COME ALONE. BRING SOMEONE,' YOU DO GET FRIGHTENED BUT GOOD. BUT THE EXTRA PERSON IS THERE TO WRITE DOWN THE DR.'S COMMENTS AS A BACK UP FOR ME, IN CASE I MISS SOMETHING OR MISUNDERSTAND A COMMENT.
AND SO, I AM SO VERY THANKFUL TO HAVE DAYS RIGHT NOW AFTER THE SHOCK AND THE SLEW OF TESTS TO JUST ACT NORMAL- TO TEACH, TO COOK, TO WALK OUTSIDE IN THE LOVELY AIR, TO SEE THE WORLD CONTINUING LIKE ALWAYS. AND I FIND MYSELF LAUGHING AGAIN, WANTING CONTACT WITH MY FRIENDS, WITH MY STUDENTS, WITH STRANGERS.
PERHAPS IT'S ALL A BAD DREAM. MAYBE I CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND IT WILL DISAPPEAR. BUT MY DEAR COUSIN DOESN'T LET ME GO THAT WAY, NOR DO MY BROTHER AND SISTER-IN-LAW. THEY KEEP ME GROUNDED.I MUST DO WHAT I MUST DO.
FOR ME THAT MEANS HAVING SURGERY, AND EVEN A POSSIBLE SECOND SURGERY IF THEY FIND THAT THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OUT. KNOWING THAT IN ADVANCE IS SO UNSETTLING, TO PUT IT MILDLY.
THEN FOLLOWS SOME TIME TO RECUPERATE, WHATEVER THAT MEANS. ON TO CHEMOTHERAPY, THEN A TIME LAPSE FOR OTHER MEDICINES FOR SOME OTHER PROTEIN LACKING (I TRULY DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL OF THAT), AND THEN ON TO RADIATION.
IT'S LIKE AN UNREAL MOVIE ABOUT TO COME OUT ON THE SCREEN. EXCEPT THAT IT'S ME, MY LIFE. I JUST WANT TO TEACH AND TEACH AND LIVE AND BREATHE AND GIVE TO OTHERS AND NOT HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE.
I THANK YOU ALL WHO ARE READING THIS BLOG, FOR PRAYING FOR ME
CHAYA BAT SARAH BAYLA.
I thank each and every one of you who is including me in your tefillot. May we all know of besorot tovot. SHABAT SHALOM!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
CHAYA'S CANCER ODYSSEY
Why am Idoing this, is beyond me. I want and have no connection to cancer or cancer groups. That is something for others out there.
But then, here I am, a woman who suddenly has my world turned upside down in 5 minutes. 8 a.m. I have my yearly mammogram, and bingo, with my tik beside me with Tehilim which I planned to study later with a women's class, my gym clothes, etc., and I am told that I must have an ultra sound right there and then: a few minutes later, I am told that I will need to book a biopsy, and so at 8:20 a.m I find myself headed for a taxi to take me to Misgav Ledach hospital for a biopsy. All within minutes! I am in total shock! It can't be. I take my mammograms yearly. 6 weeks ago, I was checked manually when I went for my gynocological exam. Nothing was amiss!
How could I, so responsible and careful to check myself, suddenly be thrown into this abyss of terror, fear, shock, anger? For a few moments, I allowed myself to cry and called my cousin as I had to let it out, as well as my oldest son. But alone, as we all are at times, I traveled to be ultra sounded a second time, and to have a biopsy, a terrifying experience for me. My private domain of my lovely breast is mauled, manipulated, or so it seemed to me, and then stuck with needles to freeze an area to be bi0psied.
CHAYA'S CANCER ODYSSEY
SHALOM !
THIS IS MY ENTRY TO A WORLD I HAD NOT INTEREST IN BEING IN. I DO NOT WISH TO BE PART OF ANY CANCER GROUP. I AM NOT INTERESTED OR LOOKING FOR GROUP AFFILIATIONS, TO BE PART OF A GROUP OF WOMEN WHO HAVE WHAT WE ALL DREAD AND ONLY ASSOCIATE WITH OTHERS. OTHERS WAY OUT THERE!
BUT AFTER TOTAL SHOCK AND DISBELIEF, REPULSION AND ANGER, FIGHTING THE FACTS EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, AFTER SOME SHEDDING OF TEARS, AND INDIGNATION AT THE INSULT OF HAVING A TUMOR INSIDE OF MY BREAST, I HAVE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT IT. I, WHO ALWAYS TAKE YEARLY MAMMOGRAMS FAITHFULLY, WHO ALSO GET CHECKED YEARLY BY A GYNOCOLOGIST, SHOULD SUDDENLY, WITH NO WARNING, GET TOLD THAT THERE IS THIS EVIL GUSH GROWING INSIDE OF ME.
THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF MY ODYSSEY. I AM NOT WRITING TO PARADE IT IN FRONT OF YOU READERS, BUT FOR MYSELF, FOR MY GRANDAUGHTERS, TO HOPEFULLY HELP IN SOME WAY OTHERS WHO ARE GROPING AS I AM TO DEAL WITH THIS WHILE SUPPOSEDLY STILL LEADING 'REGULAR' LIVES, WORKING, TEACHING, LOVING, SHOPPING, TENDING TO OTHERS.
THIS IS MY ENTRY TO A WORLD I HAD NOT INTEREST IN BEING IN. I DO NOT WISH TO BE PART OF ANY CANCER GROUP. I AM NOT INTERESTED OR LOOKING FOR GROUP AFFILIATIONS, TO BE PART OF A GROUP OF WOMEN WHO HAVE WHAT WE ALL DREAD AND ONLY ASSOCIATE WITH OTHERS. OTHERS WAY OUT THERE!
BUT AFTER TOTAL SHOCK AND DISBELIEF, REPULSION AND ANGER, FIGHTING THE FACTS EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, AFTER SOME SHEDDING OF TEARS, AND INDIGNATION AT THE INSULT OF HAVING A TUMOR INSIDE OF MY BREAST, I HAVE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT IT. I, WHO ALWAYS TAKE YEARLY MAMMOGRAMS FAITHFULLY, WHO ALSO GET CHECKED YEARLY BY A GYNOCOLOGIST, SHOULD SUDDENLY, WITH NO WARNING, GET TOLD THAT THERE IS THIS EVIL GUSH GROWING INSIDE OF ME.
THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF MY ODYSSEY. I AM NOT WRITING TO PARADE IT IN FRONT OF YOU READERS, BUT FOR MYSELF, FOR MY GRANDAUGHTERS, TO HOPEFULLY HELP IN SOME WAY OTHERS WHO ARE GROPING AS I AM TO DEAL WITH THIS WHILE SUPPOSEDLY STILL LEADING 'REGULAR' LIVES, WORKING, TEACHING, LOVING, SHOPPING, TENDING TO OTHERS.
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