JUNE 13-2012

YELLING, CRYING, SHOUTING, BEGGING!

DO I YELL? WILL IT HELP?
DO I CRY? WILL IT HELP?
DO I SHOUT? WILL IT HELP?
DO I BEG? WILL IT HELP?
DO I SIMPLY ACCEPT? WILL IT HELP?

A DEAR LADY, WHOM I KNOW THRU' SIMILAR ILLNESS, IS NOW LYING IN A COMA. I SO MUCH WANTED TO BE THERE FOR HER, TO HELP HER ALONG THIS TORTUOUS PATH.

BUT HER WISH, AS WELL AS MINE, IS AND WAS TO GO SWIFTLY, IF WE MUST, FROM THIS WORLD WITHOUT ENDLESS SUFFERING AND PAIN AND SIMPLY, TORTURE.

AND NOW, AFTER YES SUFFERING, SHE LIES IN A COMA. MY MIND DOES NOT LET ME SLEEP-BUT SHE IS WITHOUT PAIN, I KEEP TELLING MYSELF. SHE CAN REST NOW- BUT IS SHE THERE? IS SHE REALLY ALIVE STILL? FROM ONE MOMENT TO THE NEXT, LIFE CHANGES SO DRASTICALLY. HERE YOU ARE, HERE YOU ARE NOT!

I KNOW THAT IT IS WRITTEN: 'LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST'- A LOVELY THOUGHT, BUT CAUGHT UP IN DAILY LIVING, DO I REMEMBER IT CONSTANTLY? NO, BECAUSE, AS A HUMAN BEING, I STRIVE TO CONTINUE LIVING, TO SEE MY LOVED ONES, TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS GLORIOUS LIFE, DESPIT IT ALL.

AND SO, I WRITE ABOUT MY FRIEND, KNOWING THAT ALL THE CRYING, SHOUTING, BEGGING,YELLING, MAY RELEASE SOME TENSION FROM MY BEING, BUT WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT ACCEPTING IS THE ONLY PATH, AND HOW THAT HURTS!

I PRAY FOR MY DEAR NEW FRIEND, OF SUCH A SHORT TIME, TO GO PEACEFULLY, IF SHE MUST, AND TO BE AT REST, REST AND PEACE.

JUNE 10-2012 FINALLY, I AM BACK WRITING AGAIN!

SHALOM! FOR THIS LONG PERIOD, I HAVE HAD DIFFICULTY GETTING INTO MY BLOGGER SITE, THUS THE RELAPSE IN MY WRITING. I HAVE MISSED JOURNALING, ALTHOUGH I DO SOME IN ANOTHER FILE OF MINE.

HERE IT IS JUNE, AND SO FAR, NO CANCER AGAIN. BUT IT HAS BEEN A ROCKY ROAD, AS I HAVE HAD NOW FOR 10 MONTHS, FOLLOWING MY CHEMO AND RADIATION, A DAILY, NIGHTLY PROBLEM WITH MY CHRONIC URTICARA, DUE TO MY LOW IMMUNE SYSTEM. ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS HAD SOMEWHAT OF A LOW IMMUNE SYSTEM, THE CHEMO AND RADIATION WORSENED THE SITUATION, AND I HAVE BEEN DAILY COVERED WITH HIVES, WELTS, SWELLINGS IN FACE, LIPS, EYES. IT HAS SO LESSENED GREATLY MY QUALITY OF LIVING. BUT SOMEHOW, THRU' IT ALL, I KEEP THINKING, WELL, IF IT ISN'T CANCER, THEN I WILL DEAL WITH IT. VERY EASY TO SAY! SO I AM CONSTANTLY ON MEDICATIONS AND NEW MEDICATIONS, ETC.  BUT THANK G. FOR ONLY THAT!

I FINISHED TAKING A TRAINING COURSE FOR VOLUNTEERS WHO HAVE HAD CANCER OR OTHER MAJOR ILLNESSES, AND I NOW AM ABOUT TO BEGIN WORKING ONE ON ONE WITH ANOTHER CANCER MEMBER OF A CLASS WHERE I STUDY. HOPEFULLY, I HAVE ENOUGH EMPATHY AND CARING TO BE THERE FOR HER AS SHE NEEDS ME, TO SIT WITH HER, TO WALK BY HER SIDE. I PRAY THAT I WILL DO THIS POST FULL JUSTICE.

IN THE MEANTIME, I WISH ANY READER GOOD HEALTH, GOOD HOPES, POSITIVE READINGS AND ATTITUDE, TO LIVE EACH DAY WITH JOY AND THANKFULNESS AT ANOTHER CHANCE ON ANOTHER DAY.

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME SOON,
REFUAH SHLAIMAH!- FEEL WELL!