Shalom!
After a 3rd injection into my shoulder, I finally am beginning to feel like a normal human being. Living w. pain is no picnic, and I am once again ever so thankful for improvement.
At times now, I am having an almost normal day without the extreme fatigue. But I am learning more and more to pace myself, and not to overdo it. Since I get up so very early automatically, I have learned to go to bed much much earlier, almost like a child does.
As life comes each day, how thankful I am to face another day and aim to speak to and surround myself with positive people, positive thoughts and keep my space far away from the negative ones in my life.
I wish every reader good vibes and feelings and the ability to cope w. what one must. I have adopted after much good readings and talks the following key words for me:
HOPE DIGNITY ACCEPTANCE REFUAH (HEALTHY RECOVERING) NATURE
At this point, I am adding on a prayer that I wrote for our cancer group as a personal prayer, other than that in our daily prayer books.
RIBBONO SHEL OLAM
Whatever/wherever You are
I thank You this moment
For this new day in which You star.
Nature-its beauty, its peace
I wonder in delight at the hope that it feeds.
My hopes start anew for a day filled with strength
To do good for us humans that You
Wondrously created throughout this whole long length.
Do help me to know how to use the skills that I have
And let me 'IN YOUR IMAGE' be a helping hand.
My challenges continue to be many
And I continue to turn to You anyway.
Bless us who are ill in spirit and body
And make our paths as light as You possibly can.
May your Refuah give us dignity and grace
As our unique journeys continue their pace.
I thank You again for this moment of renewal
May Your grace shine on all of Klal Yisrael.
'MIKOL HALAIV' I will try to be 'there'
Wherever and whenever to whomever I can.
We are made in Your 'image'
Help us to shine and not to do damage
To your beautiful world
Where mankind and creatures alike
Sing your praises both morning and night.
Good morning Hashem! Hallelujah!
As You shine Your peaceful presence
Help us to find some peace for our aching
Souls and frames
So that we too can lend a helping hand.
BOKER TOV WORLD-HOW HAPPY I AM TO SEE YOU AGAIN THIS DAY!
chaya bat Sara Bayla
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
MARCH 11-2011 PICKING ONESELF UP AGAIN
Shalom!
I remind any readers that I am basically writing this cancer blog for my journey. I know that the last entry was so 'down' in spirit, and I hope that it did not make anyone else feel 'down'. My fatigue and shoulder pain, I guess, sometimes/often do really get me down. And yet, I know and do feel so much thanks for coming thus far.
I hear good words, tips, suggestions, along the way basically from people involved with ailing clientele. These thoughts I am trying to add to my way of thinking: e.g. ACCEPTANCE, HOPE, DIGNITY, CHALLENGES, HOPE (ONCE AGAIN).
Life has so many ups and downs, and somehow, we have not been programmed to realize this. The fairy tale stories always have happy endings from my childhood. Reality of life , death, suffering, loss, pain, are not often talked about. And yet, it is all around us, and all the more shocking when we suddenly discover it around us.
So I wish for all of us here to not give up hope, to accept what we must, but to keep on trying to live with dignity and an up-lifted spirit as much as possible. For me, good friends, music, books, quiet, warmth in my spot to live, good food, all help me to feel positive.
I wish all of us a good frame of mind as we step along our journeys of life.
All the best,
chaya bat sara bayla
I remind any readers that I am basically writing this cancer blog for my journey. I know that the last entry was so 'down' in spirit, and I hope that it did not make anyone else feel 'down'. My fatigue and shoulder pain, I guess, sometimes/often do really get me down. And yet, I know and do feel so much thanks for coming thus far.
I hear good words, tips, suggestions, along the way basically from people involved with ailing clientele. These thoughts I am trying to add to my way of thinking: e.g. ACCEPTANCE, HOPE, DIGNITY, CHALLENGES, HOPE (ONCE AGAIN).
Life has so many ups and downs, and somehow, we have not been programmed to realize this. The fairy tale stories always have happy endings from my childhood. Reality of life , death, suffering, loss, pain, are not often talked about. And yet, it is all around us, and all the more shocking when we suddenly discover it around us.
So I wish for all of us here to not give up hope, to accept what we must, but to keep on trying to live with dignity and an up-lifted spirit as much as possible. For me, good friends, music, books, quiet, warmth in my spot to live, good food, all help me to feel positive.
I wish all of us a good frame of mind as we step along our journeys of life.
All the best,
chaya bat sara bayla
Monday, March 7, 2011
MARCH 7-11 ALONG THE CANCER JOURNEY
SHALOM!
A SHORT UPDATE AS I AM BACK TO MY FATIGUE AGAIN, AND NO PATIENCE TO TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE. I DO WHAT I CAN AND MUST, AND SIMPLY 'PETER OUT'. GOING TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THE CLEANING OF MY PORT, SETS ME BACK MENTALLY, ON SEEING THE PEOPLE AND THEIR SUFFERING FACES. THE WAITING IS SO LONG, AND I COME HOME DEPLETED EMOTIONALLY.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO EXHAUSTED, BUT EVEN WHEN I DO LIE DOWN, IT REALLY DOESN'T HELP. BUT THANK G. SO FAR, NO SIGN OF MORE CANCER. THIS WEEK I RETURN TO TEL HASHOMER TO HAVE MORE SHOTS INTO MY SHOULDER FROM THE CONSTANT PAIN, DUE, IT SEEMS, FROM THE CUTTING INTO MY LYMPH NODES DURING THE OPERATION. I KNOW THAT PAIN DOES TIRE YOU AS WELL. IMAGINE NOT BEING ABLE TO PUT ON A DRESS OR OTHER GARMENT THAT CLOSES IN THE BACK, NOT BEING ABLE TO EASILY CLOSE OR OPEN A CAR DOOR. THE SPRING MAKES ME FEEL SO WARM, BUT MY BODY STILL CRAVES THE 'COUCH' TO SIMPLY COLLAPSE. HOPEFULLY, THIS PORTION TODAY OF 'KVETCHING' WILL SOON DECREASE.
I HOPE THAT READERS OUT YONDER ARE DOING WELL AND STANDING UP TO LIFE'S CHALLENGE! I REMIND MYSELF THAT WE MUST HOPE AND BE THANKFUL FOR EVERY GOOD MOMENT OF BEING ALIVE, WITH A FRIEND, ENJOYING THE SUNSHINE, SHARING A MEAL WITH OTHERS. EACH DAY IS WHAT WE HAVE, AND BEYOND THAT WE NEED JUST TO HOPE.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME,
BE WELL.
chaya bat sarah bayla
A SHORT UPDATE AS I AM BACK TO MY FATIGUE AGAIN, AND NO PATIENCE TO TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE. I DO WHAT I CAN AND MUST, AND SIMPLY 'PETER OUT'. GOING TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THE CLEANING OF MY PORT, SETS ME BACK MENTALLY, ON SEEING THE PEOPLE AND THEIR SUFFERING FACES. THE WAITING IS SO LONG, AND I COME HOME DEPLETED EMOTIONALLY.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO EXHAUSTED, BUT EVEN WHEN I DO LIE DOWN, IT REALLY DOESN'T HELP. BUT THANK G. SO FAR, NO SIGN OF MORE CANCER. THIS WEEK I RETURN TO TEL HASHOMER TO HAVE MORE SHOTS INTO MY SHOULDER FROM THE CONSTANT PAIN, DUE, IT SEEMS, FROM THE CUTTING INTO MY LYMPH NODES DURING THE OPERATION. I KNOW THAT PAIN DOES TIRE YOU AS WELL. IMAGINE NOT BEING ABLE TO PUT ON A DRESS OR OTHER GARMENT THAT CLOSES IN THE BACK, NOT BEING ABLE TO EASILY CLOSE OR OPEN A CAR DOOR. THE SPRING MAKES ME FEEL SO WARM, BUT MY BODY STILL CRAVES THE 'COUCH' TO SIMPLY COLLAPSE. HOPEFULLY, THIS PORTION TODAY OF 'KVETCHING' WILL SOON DECREASE.
I HOPE THAT READERS OUT YONDER ARE DOING WELL AND STANDING UP TO LIFE'S CHALLENGE! I REMIND MYSELF THAT WE MUST HOPE AND BE THANKFUL FOR EVERY GOOD MOMENT OF BEING ALIVE, WITH A FRIEND, ENJOYING THE SUNSHINE, SHARING A MEAL WITH OTHERS. EACH DAY IS WHAT WE HAVE, AND BEYOND THAT WE NEED JUST TO HOPE.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME,
BE WELL.
chaya bat sarah bayla
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
FEB. 13-2011 COPING AND UNDERSTANDING MORE
HELLO TO MY BLOG ONCE AGAIN:
Can anything good come from having cancer and going to a study group? Well, I was asked by my spiritual teacher to speak to a UJA GROUP visiting from New York about this organization. They wanted someone with a fluent English. I accepted, and did so, without too much nervousness which prior to now I usually was uptight and nervous. But this organization is truly warm, accepting and does wonderful things for people with illness. Thus, I accepted readily to speak. The feedback was good, and I feel good about doing it.
I am been reading books that give me encouragement to live for each day to the fullest. None of us know the future, the when, how, why's of illness, death, a down turn in health issues. Reading continues to be a source of knowledge, optimism, happiness for me. I am finally beginning to perhaps understand more of why I developed a cancerous growth. I was so shocked through and through when it was discovered: I walk, I eat healthy, I don't smoke, etc. But stress of divorce, of failure of any sort taken seriously, of negative feelings apparently can lead to the development of cancer. And so, I continue to live around nice people, negating people who don't act nicely or dislike me. I have spent too much time trying to please others in my life. It's not that I just decided to do so. I bit by bit, have turned to the good in the world, people, situations, atmosphere which has good vibes, and have dropped what doesn't sit well w. me, albeit subconsciously at times. Every day is a gift for me, even as I peter out by afternoon, and evenings for me are really down time. But being a morning person, I get all the necessities done before most people are awake.
Can anything good come from having cancer and going to a study group? Well, I was asked by my spiritual teacher to speak to a UJA GROUP visiting from New York about this organization. They wanted someone with a fluent English. I accepted, and did so, without too much nervousness which prior to now I usually was uptight and nervous. But this organization is truly warm, accepting and does wonderful things for people with illness. Thus, I accepted readily to speak. The feedback was good, and I feel good about doing it.
I am been reading books that give me encouragement to live for each day to the fullest. None of us know the future, the when, how, why's of illness, death, a down turn in health issues. Reading continues to be a source of knowledge, optimism, happiness for me. I am finally beginning to perhaps understand more of why I developed a cancerous growth. I was so shocked through and through when it was discovered: I walk, I eat healthy, I don't smoke, etc. But stress of divorce, of failure of any sort taken seriously, of negative feelings apparently can lead to the development of cancer. And so, I continue to live around nice people, negating people who don't act nicely or dislike me. I have spent too much time trying to please others in my life. It's not that I just decided to do so. I bit by bit, have turned to the good in the world, people, situations, atmosphere which has good vibes, and have dropped what doesn't sit well w. me, albeit subconsciously at times. Every day is a gift for me, even as I peter out by afternoon, and evenings for me are really down time. But being a morning person, I get all the necessities done before most people are awake.
After another 3 month check up with my oncologist, I am so far, o'kay, despite the constant pains from the Radiation cuff disease, which limits my movements in my right shoulder, and is quite painful. Yet I function.
Thank G. for another day-to any reader, be healthy, enjoy life even with pain in your body. I speak from experience not judgement. Until next time......
Sunday, February 13, 2011
FEB. 14, 2011 ANOTHER MILESTONE
HELLO:
Another 3 month check with my oncologist, and thank G. so far, so good. I go there not afraid, but always wary. I never expected on my regular yearly examination for anything to be different, and bingo, it was. So I know now that 'the fates' have their way of happening when we least expect a change. Now, I will have check ups every 4 months rather than 3, as well as regular bi-yearly mammograms and CA 125 tests for uterus. In the meantime, my fatigue accompanies me, but less violent than in previous months. My shoulder area, due to the cutting of lymph nodes during the operation continues to give me problems, and I am seeking to return to the specialist for 3rd and 4th injections to relieve the constant pain and difficulty in movement. But alongside all of this, I am very thankful that I am where I am.
It continues to be an adjustment without my companion little dog. But I was prepared for it in advance, and know that it comes to us all at some point. So I continue on and hold the precious memories tight in my heart.
I hope that anyone reading my personal blog is feeling well and coping with life's challenges. I pray for all who are ill either physically or challenged mentally with life's difficult times.
Until another time
Shalom
Another 3 month check with my oncologist, and thank G. so far, so good. I go there not afraid, but always wary. I never expected on my regular yearly examination for anything to be different, and bingo, it was. So I know now that 'the fates' have their way of happening when we least expect a change. Now, I will have check ups every 4 months rather than 3, as well as regular bi-yearly mammograms and CA 125 tests for uterus. In the meantime, my fatigue accompanies me, but less violent than in previous months. My shoulder area, due to the cutting of lymph nodes during the operation continues to give me problems, and I am seeking to return to the specialist for 3rd and 4th injections to relieve the constant pain and difficulty in movement. But alongside all of this, I am very thankful that I am where I am.
It continues to be an adjustment without my companion little dog. But I was prepared for it in advance, and know that it comes to us all at some point. So I continue on and hold the precious memories tight in my heart.
I hope that anyone reading my personal blog is feeling well and coping with life's challenges. I pray for all who are ill either physically or challenged mentally with life's difficult times.
Until another time
Shalom
Thursday, January 27, 2011
JAN. 27-2011 MY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT TODAY
Hello:
My writing today may not be what you expect it to be, my thoughts on my cancer etc. Today, I had to put to sleep my pet companion, friend, child, my houshold partner, my little toy poodle. She has been with me for at least 11 years, borne 3 babies, been my true friend, always ready to greet me, to sit near me, to walk with me, to just 'be' there' for me.
Amidst my cancer year, my little dog somehow got cancer. I checked with my vet and all the research shows NO connection whatsoever to the fact that I had cancer. I detected her lump myself, and at first the vet poo-pooed it, as to only a lump of fat. But I kept watch, and to make a long story short, Mocha underwent not one operation for cancer, but two, as the lump grew back again. I had lengthy discussions with my vet as to what we would do if a 3rd growth of cancer showed up. We decided then that next time, should it arise, we would put Mocha to sleep, as it would only mean continued suffering for her as time went on. The lump grew back, much larger this time, and Mocha started losing control of her continence. For a while, I just cleaned it up and let it go. But as I had to start restrcting her more with very little food, it just got worse, she was no longer the frisky happy wonderful creature. She only wanted to sleep and eat, and then got sick from it.
Now I have dealt with the death of a former dog of mine years ago, and I always knew that I would never let my pet suffer. It is bad enough that we let adults suffer and suffer, and not be able to help them die in dignity. My vet was afraid that when it really came to the crux, that I would not be able to let him put her to rest. But I knew that her life was now suffering-the tumor was about to burst open and really cause suffering. So by myself, with my wonderful vet, we put Mocha to rest. I was very concerned as to her burial arrangements, and again, my vet and I discussed this long ago. He will bury her at Motza himself . It is my loss that I grieve for her absence. She has been such a source of life for me-someone to come home to, someone to care for. I never felt so alone as long as I had my little pet. Often it was very difficult to go away for vacations or week-ends, but it was worth it to me to stay home with her. I was lucky that my son and daughter-in-law were very good about helping out when they could, as well as a young girl babysat occasionally.
And so the cycle of life comes to an end. As a recovering cancer patient (I hope), in my cancer group we are constantly talking of life and death. I know internally that life and death are the outside boundaries of the years I have on earth (as do we all). It is like a sandwich-birth, the productive fruitful years, and then death. But living with a life-threatening illnes, we become so very aware of the frailty of life, and our final destination. It makes me, for one, truly appreciate every good moment, day, happening in life.
I know that Mocha had good years. I was privileged to have had her with me. I am also pleased that I did not let her continue to suffer endlessly as the cancer spread and incapacitated her more and more.
As I sit here and cry, I realize that Mocha was my lifeline, a breathing creature of this universe, who also sat at my feet, slept nearby, needed me as much as I needed her, who gave me joy, a sense of not being alone, a sense of being useful and needed. I am so very fortunate for having had this great opportunity as part of my life. She in essence is my 3rd pet dog over the years. Each one has enriched my life, and has given meaning to it.
I pray for all of us to eventually know 'the kiss of death' when we need to, and to enjoy fully our time here on earth as best we can while we can.
My best wishes for all of us.
My writing today may not be what you expect it to be, my thoughts on my cancer etc. Today, I had to put to sleep my pet companion, friend, child, my houshold partner, my little toy poodle. She has been with me for at least 11 years, borne 3 babies, been my true friend, always ready to greet me, to sit near me, to walk with me, to just 'be' there' for me.
Amidst my cancer year, my little dog somehow got cancer. I checked with my vet and all the research shows NO connection whatsoever to the fact that I had cancer. I detected her lump myself, and at first the vet poo-pooed it, as to only a lump of fat. But I kept watch, and to make a long story short, Mocha underwent not one operation for cancer, but two, as the lump grew back again. I had lengthy discussions with my vet as to what we would do if a 3rd growth of cancer showed up. We decided then that next time, should it arise, we would put Mocha to sleep, as it would only mean continued suffering for her as time went on. The lump grew back, much larger this time, and Mocha started losing control of her continence. For a while, I just cleaned it up and let it go. But as I had to start restrcting her more with very little food, it just got worse, she was no longer the frisky happy wonderful creature. She only wanted to sleep and eat, and then got sick from it.
Now I have dealt with the death of a former dog of mine years ago, and I always knew that I would never let my pet suffer. It is bad enough that we let adults suffer and suffer, and not be able to help them die in dignity. My vet was afraid that when it really came to the crux, that I would not be able to let him put her to rest. But I knew that her life was now suffering-the tumor was about to burst open and really cause suffering. So by myself, with my wonderful vet, we put Mocha to rest. I was very concerned as to her burial arrangements, and again, my vet and I discussed this long ago. He will bury her at Motza himself . It is my loss that I grieve for her absence. She has been such a source of life for me-someone to come home to, someone to care for. I never felt so alone as long as I had my little pet. Often it was very difficult to go away for vacations or week-ends, but it was worth it to me to stay home with her. I was lucky that my son and daughter-in-law were very good about helping out when they could, as well as a young girl babysat occasionally.
And so the cycle of life comes to an end. As a recovering cancer patient (I hope), in my cancer group we are constantly talking of life and death. I know internally that life and death are the outside boundaries of the years I have on earth (as do we all). It is like a sandwich-birth, the productive fruitful years, and then death. But living with a life-threatening illnes, we become so very aware of the frailty of life, and our final destination. It makes me, for one, truly appreciate every good moment, day, happening in life.
I know that Mocha had good years. I was privileged to have had her with me. I am also pleased that I did not let her continue to suffer endlessly as the cancer spread and incapacitated her more and more.
As I sit here and cry, I realize that Mocha was my lifeline, a breathing creature of this universe, who also sat at my feet, slept nearby, needed me as much as I needed her, who gave me joy, a sense of not being alone, a sense of being useful and needed. I am so very fortunate for having had this great opportunity as part of my life. She in essence is my 3rd pet dog over the years. Each one has enriched my life, and has given meaning to it.
I pray for all of us to eventually know 'the kiss of death' when we need to, and to enjoy fully our time here on earth as best we can while we can.
My best wishes for all of us.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
JAN. 23-2011 ALONG MY JOURNEY
Shalom!
Well, it has been almost a month since I wrote here, but I have been doing writings from my Bibliotherapy course of my cancer group at Tishkofet Maagan. How weird it is that now that I am not doing 'tipulim', thank G., I am still a cancer person in thought and feel more comfortable amongst people that understand and are there or have been 'there'. In this group, we are encouraged to write feelings and thoughts, which I do, so that takes me away from writing here.
Each time I think of going thru' chemotherapy, I am so very very thankful and pray not to ever need to do this again. When I go in for my monthly cleaning of my port, it pains me terribly to see the patients in treatment. Thank G. I feel normal and that shocks me as well! Only my shoulder still gives me pain and is problematic when opening heavy car doors or lifting my arm up. I walk around this earth being so very aware of each good moment-I feel and fear that something bad is around the corner about to happen. So I try to enjoy each day when I wake up and do things that I have chosen to do, but with such awareness as to the frailty of life.
I finally had my first 3 day outing out of my home to the Dead Sea with the teachers' union, where I teach. To sit and read and be a 'normal' person with this vast sea of humanity was stupendous. I actually bumped into another cancer patient and we, hardly knowing each other, just fell into each other's arms with joy to see one another. Strange world!
I wish all and any readers to feel well, and thank you all for praying not only for chaya bat sary bayla but for all sick people.
Until the next time-
Chow!
Well, it has been almost a month since I wrote here, but I have been doing writings from my Bibliotherapy course of my cancer group at Tishkofet Maagan. How weird it is that now that I am not doing 'tipulim', thank G., I am still a cancer person in thought and feel more comfortable amongst people that understand and are there or have been 'there'. In this group, we are encouraged to write feelings and thoughts, which I do, so that takes me away from writing here.
Each time I think of going thru' chemotherapy, I am so very very thankful and pray not to ever need to do this again. When I go in for my monthly cleaning of my port, it pains me terribly to see the patients in treatment. Thank G. I feel normal and that shocks me as well! Only my shoulder still gives me pain and is problematic when opening heavy car doors or lifting my arm up. I walk around this earth being so very aware of each good moment-I feel and fear that something bad is around the corner about to happen. So I try to enjoy each day when I wake up and do things that I have chosen to do, but with such awareness as to the frailty of life.
I finally had my first 3 day outing out of my home to the Dead Sea with the teachers' union, where I teach. To sit and read and be a 'normal' person with this vast sea of humanity was stupendous. I actually bumped into another cancer patient and we, hardly knowing each other, just fell into each other's arms with joy to see one another. Strange world!
I wish all and any readers to feel well, and thank you all for praying not only for chaya bat sary bayla but for all sick people.
Until the next time-
Chow!
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