MARCH 28-SOON-BACK ON TRACK

SHALOM!
Finally, after doctor of infections, plastic surgeon doctor, oncologist nurses, finally, an ultra sound showed a thrombosis of the veins. So filled with chemo, then antibiotics, and lastly, a medicine to thin the blood, my arm is returning to normal. And so, had blood work done again so that I can have a 'port' inserted above the chest so that no needles will be needed weekly to start the 8-12 taxol chemo treatments. I dread going in on Isru Chag to hospital to have it done, but we must get this show back on the road so that someday, there will be an end. How divine it is to pretend that I am normal like everyone else just preparing for Pesach/Passover and living life. The only side effect still very evident is my extreme fatigue. I literally fall away early evening. But when I think of Gilad Shalit and other daily tragedies-fallen soldiers each day, I know to be thankful for where I am at.
I wish all ill people a speedy recovery and the strength to cope with what they must.
Happy holiday period to all-Chag Sameach. Until we 'meet' again .

ALONG THE JOURNEY OF CANCER-MARCH 20-10

Well, some days have gone by with no entries. The bumps along the road have kept me tired, hurting and I need and needed to rest this body and mind. Apparently my arm swelling was not an infection like they thought, nor a spillage of chemo into my arm, but a thrombosis of the veins, meaning a blood clot of the veins. Thus, I was swollen, had horrific pain, wore a sling to ease the pain of touch from others. Hopefully, both the antibiotics and now the blood thinner medications are helping. All chemo treatments have been put on hold until this all clears up. Basically, I am a get up and go person, but I keep retreating from my activities to rest periods more and more. But each day brings its thanks to be alive; somehow, one learns to live with pain, and to think it could be worse.
So let's not dwell too much on whatever is bothering us-others have it worse. Spring is coming/here, and life goes on. Reading books, good friends writing and being there for me, e mails all help to keep the spirit up, and the wonderful skies awaiting our ventures outside to breathe in this wondrous world.
Be well to any readers, and as one doctor puts it: 'Chin up'!

MARCH 12-10 LAY DOWN MY WORRIES

A full week of 'Will I be put into hospital or not?' In order not to overly worry, I keep remembering the spiritual song sung by the slaves way back when:

I'm gonna lay down my picks and shovels
Down by the riverside,.................

I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more!

If worrying will help me, believe me I am the first to worry. But since it doesn't, I keep singing this song over and over to myself changing the first verse to:
'I'm gonna put down my worries and woes'

I keep hoping that the oral anitbiotics will do the trick to heal this infection, but so far not. So I just live daily as much as I can with optimism. My next series of chemo has been put off until this issue is resolved. It seems now that after this Shabat, they will decide one again whether I need to be hospitalized for an infusion of high dosages of an antibiotic. I am like a child dreading any new needle into my arm. There is so much bravery, but now I am running low on trusting a clerk/nurse to be careful.

Oh well, today is what we have. The anticipation of Shabat, of somehow enjoying what we can while we can.
I wish any readers a good week-end, lots of good health coming your way, and for a peaceful mind.

MARCH 9-10 MAN PLANS AND THE UNIVERSE DECIDES

Well, life sure has its sudden surprises, shocks and changes. As I wrote previously, tomorrow, March 10, I was to start my 8-12 weeks of a new form of chemotherapy. But it seems that some infection is in my arm where I get all the blood work done, and it is swollen and hurts a lot. So before putting me into hospital, we are trying oral anti-biotics to see if hospitalization can be avoided, and my next series is on hold for the moment.So life is lived day by day, hoping for the best, adjusting to some pain. As one of my sons told me: each patient will have his/her individual ups and downs along the way. So I am working on trying to keep positive -and pushing out the negative thoughts.
That for sure teaches me that one can hope and plan, but we must leave room for the unexpected in our plans. Sometimes for me it means, just coasting along, appreciating each day, listening to my body when it says to rest more and to just 'be'.
Have a good week to any readers: hope that your time is being spent well.

MARCH 02-10 A SMALL BREAK!

Shalom!
What do I do with one Wednesday, today, before I start at least 8 Wednesdays of a new type of chemotherapy? Thank G. I am somewhat symptom free, except for tiredness and nausea , I seem to be drifting in between chemos and lacking substance in my life. I am used to really teaching and working full time, and volunteering. So I feel somewhat at loss with only some work at the moment. But some of my grandchildren and I went to a soup kitchen on Purim to dish out and serve hot meals to needy people, and altho' extremely tiring for me, it was wonderful to do it and to see at least one of my families doing this now for 2 years in a row. They brought Purim goodies from their whole community to give out, and my heart was delighted.
Anyways, back to my 1 free day of a Wednesday. I hope to visit a dear friend and see her new home-she has been so supportive altho' I rejected her for so long as I couldn't share with her or simply cry non-stop, so I stopped seeing her for so long. And I am going out with wonderful good friends for supper. Hopefully, I can do it all. I tire so easily, and I can't eat great amounts at once-I need small deposits often in my system. The inability to drink is not good for me, and so I rely a lot on soups. I have to keep telling myself to think positive, and not to dwell on what if's etc. I seem to have hibernated within my home, with small outings now and then. But when I teach, I am a different person. Thank G. for some ability left.
Be well, all of my readers. Enjoy the moment-which is what we really have. I have posted on my bulletin board a good thought:

Remember yesterday
Dream about tomorrow
But live today!

I challenge myself and you to do this today,-let's not worry about what could have, should have been in the past-we don't know our future, but are aware of our mortality at some point, but we have the gift of today hopefully!
Talk to you again!
chaya bat sarah bayla

FEB. 24-2010-CANCER 101 FOR BEGINNERS LIKE ME~

SHALOM!
Well, now that I'm into chemo #4, I have learned a lot of pointers to share with you.

1. Trust in your own feelings about your body-no one knows better than we do about what we are experiencing.

2. Stop beating yourself about why you feel so badly when others say they know others who swam thru' the whole process so easily.

3. Listen to your body-if it says, enough, rest, do it. Never mind that others can stay up til all hours, do what you need to survive.

4. Getting a bladder infection, a nose infection. swollen vessels in injected arm, leg cramps, tingling in toes, bad feeling of breath, nausea-all these are NORMAL, and part of the effects of the chemo going into your good cells as well, making us vulnerable to colds, infections, and any type of side effects. DON'T FEEL GUILTY (remember I am talking to myself and if it helps you, then wonderful). You are what you are-that is, I am what I am, and must cope as best I can, without feeling guilty that I am not stronger or not able to cope better.

Anways, chemo # 4 is almost done, I get the injection today. And that is the end of the 4 chemos. After a short break, I start an 8 wk. once a week injection of another series of chemo, while in bed for each Wed. for 8 weeks in the hospital. Hopefully, G. willing, it will be easier than the side effects of this past series.

next stage, will be discussed at a later date.

I can't believe I managed to withstand this first intensive part-it is all thanks to the wonderful people around me and from afar who have prayed for me, carried me along, fed me, sat near me, called me, wrote to me, sending me jokes to uplift my spirit, and simply caring. It means the world to me-THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I thank the 'above' for letting me get thru' this thus far.
I wish any other ill people better health and ability to cope-my list to pray for unfortunately gets longer than ever.

BYE FOR NOW.

FEB. 19-2010 THANK G. FOR BEING ALIVE

Well, it's been a good few days since I wrote. The fatigue of chemo has really affected me, but the nausea has subsided mostly, until of course, I begin my 4th session of chemo and a subsequent shot this upcoming week and I am back to square one (and perhaps it will be not as bad). I am learning constantly to listen to my body and what it needs, no matter where I want to be in society or where others want me to be. For me, this means going to bed early in the evening, as I am up early, like 2:30 a.m. daily!
Sleeping pills don't work so I stopped trying. I just cope as best I can with what my body needs. I also am learning to rest more and to not overdue my outings. I am so thankful for having this bit of respite between chemos( every 2 wks.), and force myself to walk (having my dog helps) and to do some exercise to strengthen me, and to not become a total couch potato.
For some of you who tell me that you cannot stand to read my blog, stop reading it. It is done for me, and perhaps to help someone else in a difficult medical situation.
I know that I am being carried along by some human angels on this earth who call me, write to me, pray for me, are with me , who even bring me food. Thank you all!
Adar hopefully will give us happiness both without and especially within. Shabat Shalom!