APRIL 26-10 LEARNING TO BE GRATEFUL

SHALOM!

When my body is fatigued, I tend to be down on myself, on life. I apologize for all of that. I have so much to be thankful for.
-I am getting care
-I am being accompanied by people who care
-I have help in my home
-I have my spot to live for now
-I have my friend, my dog
-I have caring friends and family
-I get out in the beautiful world
-I can e mail, phone, see, hear, walk, talk
-I can think-but I must work on myself to appreciate and not dwell on what is missing

So if you hear me complaining, you can remind me. My 3rd chemo is done, and except for utter fatigue, I feel fine, thank G.
I asked and was given an explanation why this series is so light compared to the prior series. Since I go every week for the whole day, then I can get lighter amounts per time rather than huge amounts every 3 weeks or 2 weeks. So it is easier on my system.
So I close thanking each of my caring individuals from close and from far who are thinking about me, loving and helping, each in their own way.
Thank you!

APRIL 22-10 THANK G. FOR EACH STEP

HI!
I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I CAN TOLERATE THIS SERIES OF CHEMOTHERAPY (TAXOL) WHEN I SIMPLY COULD NOT MANAGE AT ALL WITH THE FIRST SERIES. I SOMETIMES WONDER IF THEY ARE REALLY GIVING ME ENOUGH OF THE CHEMO IN THE INFUSION. NO NAUSEA MEANS I CAN FUNCTION. FATIGUE I KNOW TO SLOW MYSELF DOWN. SOME STOMACH CRAMPS I CAN TAKE, TINGLING AND FUNNY FEELING IN MY TOES I CAN ENDURE. BUT TO FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING-I CAN ALMOST FORGET THAT I HAVE CANCER-EXCEPT THAT THEY NOW SAY THAT THE CHEMO HAS MADE ME SOMEWHAT ANEMIC, AND THEY NEED TO MONITOR THAT.
SO ALL IN ALL, I FEEL VERY LUCKY. MY BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW IS IN THE REALIZATION THAT I WON'T GET TO TORONTO THIS SUMMER, WHERE I HAVE BEEN GOING FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS NON-STOP, AND OFTEN TWICE A YEAR. THAT'S WHERE ALL MY FRIENDS ARE. HERE I HAVE A BARE MINIMUM OF FRIENDS TO VISIT WITH, MEET ETC. HOWEVER, TO GET OVER THIS IS MY AIM, AND I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT.

AS I WROTE BEFORE, IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I TRULY AM BEING HELD UP BY PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT I AM ON TRACK AND NOT MORE DESPONDENT.
I WISH EVERYONE GOOD HEALTH-ENJOY LIFE WHILE YOU CAN. THAT SEEMS TO BE A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON THAT I AM LEARNING FROM PEOPLE AROUND ME.

APRIL 19-10 ONWARD ON MY JOURNEY

SHALOM!
WELL, I am into my second series of chemo. So far, thank G. so good. Fatigue I can live with, as long as I am not totally nauseous. The first week went by almost normally. Now I'm on my way for the 2nd chemo. Once a week, every week for 12 weeks-3 months. It's only because some family member or friend is by my bedside that I get thru' it without total depression. I remind myself to be thankful-I see and know how much worse off others are.

But this is my struggle now. to stay on top, even tho' it's not easy. I thank each and everyone who has offered prayers, calls, e mails, thoughts towards me. I wish everyone well.

APRIL 11-GETTING READY FOR NEW ONSLOUGHT

SHALOM!
I finally had the 'port' put in my chest, a more permanent hole so that I do not have to be pricked over and over again in my arm to find a good vein. Every treatment is a 'big' ordeal for me. I do worry and fret, but somehow get through it and its aftermath pain. But now it is a part of me, as was my operation, as was my blood clots. Everything in life comes and passes. My break of feeling 'normal' for Pesach was quite nice-but in the back of my mind is the worry-'what if the cancer is growing or attaching on to another molecule?' So that I just want to get onto the treatment and get it over with, although it is a long haul. 8-12 weeks, once a week of Taxol chemotherapy, where you are drugged and sleep or are half out of it, and lie there. Once I understand it all, I will express myself better. For now, I eat as I know it is difficult to do so once chemo sets in. Thank G. for my family who supported me for the insert of the port, for my family to sit by my side while under the Taxol drugs. Life is for now, every day, every minute. No one knows the future-even the healthy population.
So be well, enjoy today! Will write again at some point.

MARCH 28-SOON-BACK ON TRACK

SHALOM!
Finally, after doctor of infections, plastic surgeon doctor, oncologist nurses, finally, an ultra sound showed a thrombosis of the veins. So filled with chemo, then antibiotics, and lastly, a medicine to thin the blood, my arm is returning to normal. And so, had blood work done again so that I can have a 'port' inserted above the chest so that no needles will be needed weekly to start the 8-12 taxol chemo treatments. I dread going in on Isru Chag to hospital to have it done, but we must get this show back on the road so that someday, there will be an end. How divine it is to pretend that I am normal like everyone else just preparing for Pesach/Passover and living life. The only side effect still very evident is my extreme fatigue. I literally fall away early evening. But when I think of Gilad Shalit and other daily tragedies-fallen soldiers each day, I know to be thankful for where I am at.
I wish all ill people a speedy recovery and the strength to cope with what they must.
Happy holiday period to all-Chag Sameach. Until we 'meet' again .

ALONG THE JOURNEY OF CANCER-MARCH 20-10

Well, some days have gone by with no entries. The bumps along the road have kept me tired, hurting and I need and needed to rest this body and mind. Apparently my arm swelling was not an infection like they thought, nor a spillage of chemo into my arm, but a thrombosis of the veins, meaning a blood clot of the veins. Thus, I was swollen, had horrific pain, wore a sling to ease the pain of touch from others. Hopefully, both the antibiotics and now the blood thinner medications are helping. All chemo treatments have been put on hold until this all clears up. Basically, I am a get up and go person, but I keep retreating from my activities to rest periods more and more. But each day brings its thanks to be alive; somehow, one learns to live with pain, and to think it could be worse.
So let's not dwell too much on whatever is bothering us-others have it worse. Spring is coming/here, and life goes on. Reading books, good friends writing and being there for me, e mails all help to keep the spirit up, and the wonderful skies awaiting our ventures outside to breathe in this wondrous world.
Be well to any readers, and as one doctor puts it: 'Chin up'!

MARCH 12-10 LAY DOWN MY WORRIES

A full week of 'Will I be put into hospital or not?' In order not to overly worry, I keep remembering the spiritual song sung by the slaves way back when:

I'm gonna lay down my picks and shovels
Down by the riverside,.................

I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more,
I ain't gonna worry no more, no more!

If worrying will help me, believe me I am the first to worry. But since it doesn't, I keep singing this song over and over to myself changing the first verse to:
'I'm gonna put down my worries and woes'

I keep hoping that the oral anitbiotics will do the trick to heal this infection, but so far not. So I just live daily as much as I can with optimism. My next series of chemo has been put off until this issue is resolved. It seems now that after this Shabat, they will decide one again whether I need to be hospitalized for an infusion of high dosages of an antibiotic. I am like a child dreading any new needle into my arm. There is so much bravery, but now I am running low on trusting a clerk/nurse to be careful.

Oh well, today is what we have. The anticipation of Shabat, of somehow enjoying what we can while we can.
I wish any readers a good week-end, lots of good health coming your way, and for a peaceful mind.