FEB. 13-2011 COPING AND UNDERSTANDING MORE

HELLO TO MY BLOG ONCE AGAIN:



Can anything good come from having cancer and going to a study group? Well, I was asked by my spiritual teacher to speak to a UJA GROUP visiting from New York about this organization. They wanted someone with a fluent English. I accepted, and did so, without too much nervousness which prior to now I usually was uptight and nervous. But this organization is truly warm, accepting and does wonderful things for people with illness. Thus, I accepted readily to speak. The feedback was good, and I feel good about doing it.



I am been reading books that give me encouragement to live for each day to the fullest. None of us know the future, the when, how, why's of illness, death, a down turn in health issues. Reading continues to be a source of knowledge, optimism, happiness for me. I am finally beginning to perhaps understand more of why I developed a cancerous growth. I was so shocked through and through when it was discovered: I walk, I eat healthy, I don't smoke, etc. But stress of divorce, of failure of any sort taken seriously, of negative feelings apparently can lead to the development of cancer. And so, I continue to live around nice people, negating people who don't act nicely or dislike me. I have spent too much time trying to please others in my life. It's not that I just decided to do so. I bit by bit, have turned to the good in the world, people, situations, atmosphere which has good vibes, and have dropped what doesn't sit well w. me, albeit subconsciously at times. Every day is a gift for me, even as I peter out by afternoon, and evenings for me are really down time. But being a morning person, I get all the necessities done before most people are awake.

After another 3 month check up with my oncologist, I am so far, o'kay, despite the constant pains from the Radiation cuff disease, which limits my movements in my right shoulder, and is quite painful. Yet I function.

Thank G. for another day-to any reader, be healthy, enjoy life even with pain in your body. I speak from experience not judgement. Until next time......

FEB. 14, 2011 ANOTHER MILESTONE

HELLO:

Another 3 month check with my oncologist, and thank G. so far, so good. I go there not afraid, but always wary. I never expected on my regular yearly examination for anything to be different, and bingo, it was. So I know now that 'the fates' have their way of happening when we least expect a change. Now, I will have check ups every 4 months rather than 3, as well as regular bi-yearly mammograms and CA 125 tests for uterus. In the meantime, my fatigue accompanies me, but less violent than in previous months. My shoulder area, due to the cutting of lymph nodes during the operation continues to give me problems, and I am seeking to return to the specialist for 3rd and 4th injections to relieve the constant pain and difficulty in movement. But alongside all of this, I am very thankful that I am where I am.

It continues to be an adjustment without my companion little dog. But I was prepared for it in advance, and know that it comes to us all at some point. So I continue on and hold the precious memories tight in my heart.

I hope that anyone reading my personal blog is feeling well and coping with life's challenges. I pray for all who are ill either physically or challenged mentally with life's difficult times.

Until another time
Shalom

JAN. 27-2011 MY LIFE CHANGING MOMENT TODAY

Hello:
My writing today may not be what you expect it to be, my thoughts on my cancer etc. Today, I had to put to sleep my pet companion, friend, child, my houshold partner, my little toy poodle. She has been with me for at least 11 years, borne 3 babies, been my true friend, always ready to greet me, to sit near me, to walk with me, to just 'be' there' for me.

Amidst my cancer year, my little dog somehow got cancer. I checked with my vet and all the research shows NO connection whatsoever to the fact that I had cancer. I detected her lump myself, and at first the vet poo-pooed it, as to only a lump of fat. But I kept watch, and to make a long story short, Mocha underwent not one operation for cancer, but two, as the lump grew back again. I had lengthy discussions with my vet as to what we would do if a 3rd growth of cancer showed up. We decided then that next time, should it arise, we would put Mocha to sleep, as it would only mean continued suffering for her as time went on. The lump grew back, much larger this time, and Mocha started losing control of her continence. For a while, I just cleaned it up and let it go. But as I had to start restrcting her more with very little food, it just got worse, she was no longer the frisky happy wonderful creature. She only wanted to sleep and eat, and then got sick from it.

Now I have dealt with the death of a former dog of mine years ago, and I always knew that I would never let my pet suffer. It is bad enough that we let adults suffer and suffer, and not be able to help them die in dignity. My vet was afraid that when it really came to the crux, that I would not be able to let him put her to rest. But I knew that her life was now suffering-the tumor was about to burst open and really cause suffering. So by myself, with my wonderful vet, we put Mocha to rest. I was very concerned as to her burial arrangements, and again, my vet and I discussed this long ago. He will bury her at Motza himself . It is my loss that I grieve for her absence. She has been such a source of life for me-someone to come home to, someone to care for. I never felt so alone as long as I had my little pet. Often it was very difficult to go away for vacations or week-ends, but it was worth it to me to stay home with her. I was lucky that my son and daughter-in-law were very good about helping out when they could, as well as a young girl babysat occasionally.

And so the cycle of life comes to an end. As a recovering cancer patient (I hope), in my cancer group we are constantly talking of life and death. I know internally that life and death are the outside boundaries of the years I have on earth (as do we all). It is like a sandwich-birth, the productive fruitful years, and then death. But living with a life-threatening illnes, we become so very aware of the frailty of life, and our final destination. It makes me, for one, truly appreciate every good moment, day, happening in life.

I know that Mocha had good years. I was privileged to have had her with me. I am also pleased that I did not let her continue to suffer endlessly as the cancer spread and incapacitated her more and more.

As I sit here and cry, I realize that Mocha was my lifeline, a breathing creature of this universe, who also sat at my feet, slept nearby, needed me as much as I needed her, who gave me joy, a sense of not being alone, a sense of being useful and needed. I am so very fortunate for having had this great opportunity as part of my life. She in essence is my 3rd pet dog over the years. Each one has enriched my life, and has given meaning to it.

I pray for all of us to eventually know 'the kiss of death' when we need to, and to enjoy fully our time here on earth as best we can while we can.

My best wishes for all of us.

JAN. 23-2011 ALONG MY JOURNEY

Shalom!
Well, it has been almost a month since I wrote here, but I have been doing writings from my Bibliotherapy course of my cancer group at Tishkofet Maagan. How weird it is that now that I am not doing 'tipulim', thank G., I am still a cancer person in thought and feel more comfortable amongst people that understand and are there or have been 'there'. In this group, we are encouraged to write feelings and thoughts, which I do, so that takes me away from writing here.

Each time I think of going thru' chemotherapy, I am so very very thankful and pray not to ever need to do this again. When I go in for my monthly cleaning of my port, it pains me terribly to see the patients in treatment. Thank G. I feel normal and that shocks me as well! Only my shoulder still gives me pain and is problematic when opening heavy car doors or lifting my arm up. I walk around this earth being so very aware of each good moment-I feel and fear that something bad is around the corner about to happen. So I try to enjoy each day when I wake up and do things that I have chosen to do, but with such awareness as to the frailty of life.

I finally had my first 3 day outing out of my home to the Dead Sea with the teachers' union, where I teach. To sit and read and be a 'normal' person with this vast sea of humanity was stupendous. I actually bumped into another cancer patient and we, hardly knowing each other, just fell into each other's arms with joy to see one another. Strange world!

I wish all and any readers to feel well, and thank you all for praying not only for chaya bat sary bayla but for all sick people.
Until the next time-
Chow!

DEC. 28-10 CONTINUING ON MY JOURNEY

Shalom!

It's amazing that now that I have completed my treatments (hopefully forever), I am more and more drawn in to the activities, lectures from cancer groups. Knowing that we are fighting the unknown, I know that cancer could come back at any time, and that for me anyways, I feel the presence of 'the angel of death' beside me, even as I live my life now. It has come too close for comfort; we all face death, but now I feel my mortality constantly, and am therefore so grateful for each and every day. My faith has been very challenged, and I grapple with it within discussions in a cancer group. Whereas usually I am more laid back in revealing my deepest thoughts, in my cancer group, I tend to express myself even more than I would like to do. It is hard to figure this out-am I a cancer patient-yes and no at the moment. Yet, it is nothing I can turn my back on. I see drs. regularly, have my port cleaned and checked monthly, continue my physio therapy bi weekly-it seems that this rotator cuff disease is a direct result of my operation/chem/radiation treatments.

Well, this blog is to let my thoughts hang out -if you are bored, pleased don't read it.
I wish each and every reader/sick person, emotionally challenged person -good health, and the ability to stand more or less independently and continue on.

Until the next time-
thank you.
chaya bat saray bayle and to
kol cholei bnai yisrael

DEC. 15-10 THANK YOU UNIVERSE!

SHALOM!
To feel human again, I thought I would never know the feeling. To be able to function without extreme extreme fatigue, without exhaustion is like a miracle. Not that I don't have to rest each day somewhat, but the waves of fatigue are so much less. Now some of it is after 5 months after completion of chemo and radiation, but also we removed a morning pill for blood pressure entirely to see if that will make a difference. We could only do that as thank G. my bl. pressure has been pretty stable lately.

Having cancer has taught me to listen more to my body. If I can't handle a lot of evening activities, so be it. I go to bed earlier than most, as I am up by 3 a.m. latest 4 a.m. for a new day. It does really curtail evening social activities, but I am so content to be home more after all these years of full time working. I am finally taking some courses, from the cancer base involving Torah study and life lessons, some yoga, since my Dr. felt I wasn't doing enough exercise. At the teachers' base, where I teach weekly and simply love it, I am taking a course on the relationship of mind and body. All in all, I love what I am doing. Hopefully, soon, I will start back at one of my volunteering places.

'Going with the flow' is a new concept, which I never could do. But I am doing more and more of it. If I were to get upset over each little thing, my body would be constantly stressed out. So I let it go-let the 'universe' worry about it for me. I do my part and hope for the best.

Anyways, you know that I am writing this blog mostly for me, and if any of this makes sense to you, or helps you to help others, good!

Until the next time we meet,
Shalom
Thank you always for your prayers and thoughts and good health to all those still having a hard time. Believe me, I know how hard this all is.

DEC. 3-10 PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR ALL OF US

Shalom!

My mammogram almost exactly to the year this week showed no cancer evident in the breast area, thank G. It was a real fright to be taken in again to 'the room' after the mammogram for further testing. I immediately asked: 'Again?' You found more?' But after having cancer, it seems you not only get a mammogram, but have an ultra sound as well. Now I will know for the next time.

My shoulder area continues to plague me, but I try to put it in perspective to others suffering more. And now, with my fatigue partner always accompanying me day and night, bingo, I get Vertigo, and am a helpless soul in the middle of the night. Frightening it is, but when I measure my fear and feelings against life and death in the Carmel area, and how people died, I know to put it all in perspective. Thank G. I am still functioning, even with all these set backs. Cancelling another planned Shabat trip to grandchildren in another city was necessary, but not the end of the world (in my new worldly outlook).
And so, I ask any readers, to continue wishing well all those whom you know who are still not well, or who are recovering, each in her own way, and I thank you all for your prayers and love that I feel even from a distance.

Shabat Shalom-Chanukah Sameach, as best we can enjoy/appreciate it and life.
Until next time....