CAPTAIN OF MY FATE/MASTER OF MY SOUL-FEB, 7-10

Today, before my new series #3 of chemotherapy, I treated myself to the movie INVICTUS, the story of Nelson Mandela. I highly recommend it. In it, Mandela reveals that while in prison he read and was influenced by a poem called Invictus, where the last 2 lines read:

I am the captain of my fate
I am the master of my soul.

This week-end I reread a book that I bought years ago, since I have been for so long thinking and searching for answers to the prospect of man dying. Rereading 'Staring at the sun: overcoming the Dread of Death', by Irvin D. Yalom, helped me to understand that we are all of us mortal human beings, with a beginning and an end. Somehow, I believe that we, at least I, find this a far off thing that only happens to other people, or very old or sick people. We tend to push these thoughts far away from our conscious thinking. Now, knowing that I have a form of cancer, a most dreaded disease, I have had to come to terms with the fact, that yes, I as all beings, had a beginning, a blossoming growing, producing stage, and do face my mortality. None of us 'healthy' souls know when our time on earth is to cease. It is simply unthinkable!

This poem Mandela refers to, which impressed him enough to pass it on to another leader in the movie, is worth reading. You can look it up through Google. But I believe a little differently:
we are not really the captains of our fate-we can dare to steer our life in certain directions, but it is far from our ultimate control.

But to be the master of our soul-that is possible. We can live whatever length of life we have with happiness and joy, trying to do the most for ourselves, for others, for this planet, for our youth, for our families. We can have difficult trying times physically and mentally, but we need to nourish and flourish our souls. That we are the masters of. Perhaps that is why I seem to be so bent on expressing my gratitude when I meet such nice people, and share good moments. Maybe I am realizing the passage of time for me, and want to fully live each moment with my soul full, as if to ward off the bad and inevitable end as fate will decree at some point in time.

So dear readers, if you are struggling, as I am, there is a fate for all of us, but while alive, we must help our soul to be complete and to live and yes, to enjoy whatever and whenever we can.
I hope my writing here doesn't sound too much like a preacher. I am writing this blog for me, and if you are reading it, you take the risk of liking it or not.
Bye again for now.

THANK THE LORD FOR SOME TIME TO FEEL NORMAL-FEB. 7-10

THANK THE LORD FOR A SHABAT WITH FRIENDS, AND ABLE TO EAT AND ENJOY. HOW WONDERFUL TO FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING. I FEEL LIKE I AM SO NEGATIVE WHEN I WRITE HERE,THAT I NEED TO SAY WHEN THINGS ARE GOOD. OF COURSE, TOMORROW IS ALREADY CHEMO #3. SO G. WILLING, I WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

LET'S HOPE THAT ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE IN SUCH A DIFFICULT TIME, WILL HAVE THEIR MOMENTS OF FEELING NORMAL AND EVEN BETTER THAN THAT. THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING TO SAY A GOOD WORD TO THE UNIVERSE/G./THE SUPREME POWERS FOR RECOVERIES.

chaya bat sara bayla
HAVE A GOOD WEEK!

'HODOO LASHEM KI TOV'-FEB. 4-10

I almost don't know if I am writing to myself, or to the supreme power or what. AFter a horrible evening last night of nausea non-stop, I woke up today, feeling and saying " Thank you Lord for letting me feel somewhat normal again". what pleasure to feel normal~ That lasted some 4 hours and now it's back to nausea. But I am so thankful to see and feel the rain, the hints of snow, to be able to put myself together and go to exercise osteoporosis class and to teach as if all is 100%. But it is, as I am alive and so thankful for the loving people around me.

I used to have a dog whom I named 'Ma tov". When I picked her up at the animal pound, I drove home singing: "Ma tovu ohalecha yaakov, mishkenatecha Yisrael". whence the name 'Ma Tov. Another acquaintance, when asked how she is, always answers: 'Hodoo lashem ki tov"! I like that answer.
All is well with the world in some form or other. Why I am writing all this, I don't know, except that in my feeling good hours this morning, I kept saying thank you over and over for letting me feel normal for now.
As it is already Thurs. afternoon here, I wish all of any readers good health and enjoy life and its splendors, no matter what else we have to carry on our shoulders.
Shabat shalom!

p.s. Please notice that in my blog of yesterday, I added on an addend later re my new hair arrangement.

Want to know nice people? Think of a mother of 12, not a real friend, but a nice neighbor, who begs me to accept a soup from her. After weeks of saying no need, I finally relent. She brings a pot of chicken soup, laden with tons of chicken and vegetables. I feel so badly to take away from a family of 12 plus parents, but she wanted to do it so badly. May she merit many mitzvot! I must say, that her soup is much better than mine! I must find out the secret!

THANK G. FOR EACH POSITIVE MOMENT-FEB. 4, 2010

Hello once again:

After several days of pain, using SEDURAL to ease the situation, finally received confirmation of an infection. My advice to anyone having the symptoms, don't wait for a full test to come back over several days, get the Sedural and the antibiotics and start. The reason I didn't do that, was that unless I was really sure I had an infection, I didn't want to start antibiotics for nothing. For another time, I will not wait. To be so uncomfortable, was far from acceptable. We learn from others and from experience.



Finally once again, I am able to go out to sit and dine with friends, family, altho' the nausea persists. But I feel more like myself. Of course, now I mentally prepare to start chemo #3 and its effects next week again. Highlights for me were and are: meeting friends, sharing special happenings-bat mitzva, wedding, sharing ideas. It means so much when you are having a difficult time to pass the time with others. I am thankful for calls, e mails, etc.



Aside from the infection, I seem to have a problem with blood in my nostrils. And so, again, I will go to a Dr. to investigate that. That's an outing! Not what I would prefer, but better than continuing to ponder its reasons and how to deal with it.



Wish you all better things to read on blogs. As my doctor says,

Chin up! I also think-this too shall pass, and the next challenge will come!

Bye for now.

p.s. How could I forget? Shows you that when you don't feel well, you forget about other items on the cancer journey.
On Mon. as I wrote you last week, I went back to my new lovely sheitl/wig lady. Had my head totally shaved in half a second. and cried for a split moment -it reminded me of the Auschwitz people-stopped crying, thinking:
"I'm so glad that my mother doesn't have to see me like this." And I must say that it is such a relief-no hairs falling in my clothes, in my pajamas, in my sink, into everywhere. I am so so relieved!! It will grow again, and I cover it anyways. I bought a beautiful new wig especially coated on the inside for a bare skull to not hurt, and it looks lovely if I say so myself. This week I have worn pretty scarves altho' not so pretty on me. It makes the cancer obvious. But now I will also be able to wear a wig and look normal. Well, now you are up to date.

Checked out my bloody nose-could be from the chemo-so another antibiotic creme for the nose. don't say that life is not interesting. Chicken that I am, I wouldn't let the Dr. burn inside my nose-I opted for the cream only. Hope it works.
Bye once again.

ALL AT ONCE -SOME HAPPENINGS! JAN. 31-10

All at once, I developed a bladder infection, sores in the mouth, and nausea (as always) accompanied by extreme fatigue, plus my scalp shedding hair. Bang!

Somehow, the extreme nausea and fatigue really has me almost flat still. It is hard to enjoy much, although I am being served excellent food, lovely company, but I feel like a washed out rag. However, 'this too shall pass'. I know to be thankful that it is 'only breast cancer', and that I am and older woman without young children. I am thankful, but somewhat down. I am truly thankful for all those who come to sleep here, to invite me, etc. I wish I was better company.

Since hairs are appearing everywhere, tomorrow, I will take it all off. I had already prepared some head scarves. Will let you know how I deal with it all.

HAVE A GOOD DAY! As my doctor so casually says, 'CHIN UP!'

CHEMO #2 JAN. 25-09

Well, it is amazing at what you can get used to. I simply detested the idea of sitting in a cancer ward with so many ill people attached to machines, and so many looking so dreadful. Not that I am a picture to behold either. But here, time for second round of chemo, and I walk in like I was accustomed to it all. Thank G. it all went well, and besides nausea which I get very easily, so far, so good. Tomorrow is the injection which totally set me on fire last time, but perhaps I will be equally surpirsed this time.

A note to all going thru' this. Be sure to order your 'heetchaivut' in advance and not at the last minute. And be your own doctor-make sure the secretary schedules your next sessions as planned out-they can and do make mistakes!

I feel very blessed and wish it on anybody living alone-that you be surrounded by loving people and family to somewhat travel this road alonside of you. As a head nurse said to me, 'You need TLC right now'. Not a nurse at home, but caring people. Thank you all to all my long distance callers, e mailers, and people close to home for me.

Hopefully, after my injection #2, I will feel well enough to write by the end of the week.
bye for now

JAN. 24-10-FROM HALF UTOPIA BACK TO REALITY

I have kept myself away from this blog for a whole week, feeling 'normal', miraculously after the week prior, and just enjoying eating again and functioning almost as if I am really normal without cancer. Some reality kept creeping in-going for genetic testing for my family's knowledge and my own. I will not go into any details until after I get results in March.

A lesson learned today: never leave getting your 'heetchaivut' until the day before. It proved to be a major mistake, leading to tension and stress unnecessarily. You can not get in for your blood test and chemotherapy without this permission slip (heetchaivut) from your kupa (health clinic).

So now finally, at 7 p.m. I have my big permission to spend a day getting chemotherapy once again, and then 1 1/2 days later, to have the injection. I pray that I will be able to handle it as well as I did last time, which wasn't great, but I didn't collapse totally either. I even managed to continue to teach with no one noticing how ill I really felt, and to do my osteoporosis exercise, albeit very mildly.

How much I have enjoyed my meals this past week without feeling nauseous! Simple, nutritious and pleasant! There is so much in the daily routine to be so thankful for!My book of abundance that I keep on my computer keeps me grounded and thankful always-I have been writing there for years already-a list of at least 5 or more things daily that I am thankful for. In this blog, I concentrate more on existing with cancer .

Thank you to all who are wishing me well. I try to remember others who are suffering and wish all of us a recovery.

Until the next time that we meet to 'talk', be well-kol toov!