JUNE 13-2012
YELLING, CRYING, SHOUTING, BEGGING!
DO I YELL? WILL IT HELP?
DO I CRY? WILL IT HELP?
DO I SHOUT? WILL IT HELP?
DO I BEG? WILL IT HELP?
DO I SIMPLY ACCEPT? WILL IT HELP?
A DEAR LADY, WHOM I KNOW THRU' SIMILAR ILLNESS, IS NOW LYING IN A COMA. I SO MUCH WANTED TO BE THERE FOR HER, TO HELP HER ALONG THIS TORTUOUS PATH.
BUT HER WISH, AS WELL AS MINE, IS AND WAS TO GO SWIFTLY, IF WE MUST, FROM THIS WORLD WITHOUT ENDLESS SUFFERING AND PAIN AND SIMPLY, TORTURE.
AND NOW, AFTER YES SUFFERING, SHE LIES IN A COMA. MY MIND DOES NOT LET ME SLEEP-BUT SHE IS WITHOUT PAIN, I KEEP TELLING MYSELF. SHE CAN REST NOW- BUT IS SHE THERE? IS SHE REALLY ALIVE STILL? FROM ONE MOMENT TO THE NEXT, LIFE CHANGES SO DRASTICALLY. HERE YOU ARE, HERE YOU ARE NOT!
I KNOW THAT IT IS WRITTEN: 'LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST'- A LOVELY THOUGHT, BUT CAUGHT UP IN DAILY LIVING, DO I REMEMBER IT CONSTANTLY? NO, BECAUSE, AS A HUMAN BEING, I STRIVE TO CONTINUE LIVING, TO SEE MY LOVED ONES, TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS GLORIOUS LIFE, DESPIT IT ALL.
AND SO, I WRITE ABOUT MY FRIEND, KNOWING THAT ALL THE CRYING, SHOUTING, BEGGING,YELLING, MAY RELEASE SOME TENSION FROM MY BEING, BUT WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT ACCEPTING IS THE ONLY PATH, AND HOW THAT HURTS!
I PRAY FOR MY DEAR NEW FRIEND, OF SUCH A SHORT TIME, TO GO PEACEFULLY, IF SHE MUST, AND TO BE AT REST, REST AND PEACE.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
JUNE 10-2012 FINALLY, I AM BACK WRITING AGAIN!
SHALOM! FOR THIS LONG PERIOD, I HAVE HAD DIFFICULTY GETTING INTO MY BLOGGER SITE, THUS THE RELAPSE IN MY WRITING. I HAVE MISSED JOURNALING, ALTHOUGH I DO SOME IN ANOTHER FILE OF MINE.
HERE IT IS JUNE, AND SO FAR, NO CANCER AGAIN. BUT IT HAS BEEN A ROCKY ROAD, AS I HAVE HAD NOW FOR 10 MONTHS, FOLLOWING MY CHEMO AND RADIATION, A DAILY, NIGHTLY PROBLEM WITH MY CHRONIC URTICARA, DUE TO MY LOW IMMUNE SYSTEM. ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS HAD SOMEWHAT OF A LOW IMMUNE SYSTEM, THE CHEMO AND RADIATION WORSENED THE SITUATION, AND I HAVE BEEN DAILY COVERED WITH HIVES, WELTS, SWELLINGS IN FACE, LIPS, EYES. IT HAS SO LESSENED GREATLY MY QUALITY OF LIVING. BUT SOMEHOW, THRU' IT ALL, I KEEP THINKING, WELL, IF IT ISN'T CANCER, THEN I WILL DEAL WITH IT. VERY EASY TO SAY! SO I AM CONSTANTLY ON MEDICATIONS AND NEW MEDICATIONS, ETC. BUT THANK G. FOR ONLY THAT!
I FINISHED TAKING A TRAINING COURSE FOR VOLUNTEERS WHO HAVE HAD CANCER OR OTHER MAJOR ILLNESSES, AND I NOW AM ABOUT TO BEGIN WORKING ONE ON ONE WITH ANOTHER CANCER MEMBER OF A CLASS WHERE I STUDY. HOPEFULLY, I HAVE ENOUGH EMPATHY AND CARING TO BE THERE FOR HER AS SHE NEEDS ME, TO SIT WITH HER, TO WALK BY HER SIDE. I PRAY THAT I WILL DO THIS POST FULL JUSTICE.
IN THE MEANTIME, I WISH ANY READER GOOD HEALTH, GOOD HOPES, POSITIVE READINGS AND ATTITUDE, TO LIVE EACH DAY WITH JOY AND THANKFULNESS AT ANOTHER CHANCE ON ANOTHER DAY.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME SOON,
REFUAH SHLAIMAH!- FEEL WELL!
SHALOM! FOR THIS LONG PERIOD, I HAVE HAD DIFFICULTY GETTING INTO MY BLOGGER SITE, THUS THE RELAPSE IN MY WRITING. I HAVE MISSED JOURNALING, ALTHOUGH I DO SOME IN ANOTHER FILE OF MINE.
HERE IT IS JUNE, AND SO FAR, NO CANCER AGAIN. BUT IT HAS BEEN A ROCKY ROAD, AS I HAVE HAD NOW FOR 10 MONTHS, FOLLOWING MY CHEMO AND RADIATION, A DAILY, NIGHTLY PROBLEM WITH MY CHRONIC URTICARA, DUE TO MY LOW IMMUNE SYSTEM. ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS HAD SOMEWHAT OF A LOW IMMUNE SYSTEM, THE CHEMO AND RADIATION WORSENED THE SITUATION, AND I HAVE BEEN DAILY COVERED WITH HIVES, WELTS, SWELLINGS IN FACE, LIPS, EYES. IT HAS SO LESSENED GREATLY MY QUALITY OF LIVING. BUT SOMEHOW, THRU' IT ALL, I KEEP THINKING, WELL, IF IT ISN'T CANCER, THEN I WILL DEAL WITH IT. VERY EASY TO SAY! SO I AM CONSTANTLY ON MEDICATIONS AND NEW MEDICATIONS, ETC. BUT THANK G. FOR ONLY THAT!
I FINISHED TAKING A TRAINING COURSE FOR VOLUNTEERS WHO HAVE HAD CANCER OR OTHER MAJOR ILLNESSES, AND I NOW AM ABOUT TO BEGIN WORKING ONE ON ONE WITH ANOTHER CANCER MEMBER OF A CLASS WHERE I STUDY. HOPEFULLY, I HAVE ENOUGH EMPATHY AND CARING TO BE THERE FOR HER AS SHE NEEDS ME, TO SIT WITH HER, TO WALK BY HER SIDE. I PRAY THAT I WILL DO THIS POST FULL JUSTICE.
IN THE MEANTIME, I WISH ANY READER GOOD HEALTH, GOOD HOPES, POSITIVE READINGS AND ATTITUDE, TO LIVE EACH DAY WITH JOY AND THANKFULNESS AT ANOTHER CHANCE ON ANOTHER DAY.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME SOON,
REFUAH SHLAIMAH!- FEEL WELL!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
APRIL 5-2012 ALONG MY JOURNEY
Shalom!
It's been quite a while since I last wrote. I always meant to, but by the time I did what I HAD to do, I was depleted and just went to bed. The fatigue hits whenever and is still prominent. After all the mammograms and ultrasounds again, thank G. right now, that part is clear. The attack on my immune system remains-leaving me with extreme fatigue, chronic urticars-i.e., hives, swelling in lips, eyes. Thus I get only so much done, and that is that. I just can't do more.
Of course, aging is a factor, but not to that extent. So after on/off pills to deal with all this allergy, I am back on again for at least 2 months. But altho' it is a pain, I remind myself to be thankful that it's not cancer, its' the result of the chemotherapy which did a real number on my immune system.
I finished taking the course to help other sick people, and now after Passover/Pesach, we will hear how our help will be implemented and where. In this course, and sometimes out in the 'world, there are some very caring people who want to reach out to others. It makes me believe in some of mankind.
Each set-back or pain or miscomfort reminds me to be sensitive to the pain of others.
I wish any reader a wonderful spring-let's try to enjoy nature and its beauty. I reach out to you, wherever you are, to say-thank G. we're alive right now, today, and G. willing, tomorrow and beyond.
Love and hugs
CHW
Sunday, February 12, 2012
FEB. 12-2012 A RESPITE ALONG THE WAY
SHALOM!
I AM TAKING a course for volunteers for future work in helping those w. cancer. I don't know if I will or can be strong enough to do it, but we are all trying at least to learn techniques (19 of us).
I need to remember the fear, the panic, the stress, the constant uncertainty when all of a sudden new tests and findings show up. There truly is a constant awareness and fear of what if, when, where, am I living properly, am I enjoying at all. These feelings continue on and then, we have a respite of time, hopefully a long time. :I have just finished getting over the panic associated with 3 biopsies on one side, and 1 on the other side. My chronic urticara, alongside, makes me feel that I have no control over my body, except to eat properly and to exercise. My mood tends to be down, and I must constantly strive to look up and be upbeat, not an easy feat. Fatigue continues to be a major 'downer' for me, as I lack energy. I am told that the chemotherapy did quite a number on my immune system, thus I am more prone to infections, fatigue. It's amazing that when your body is fighting against you, via pain, fatigue, infections, you really have to measure out your energy carefully. MY kind of depression at not being able to do more is a constant challenge. We usually support the other person. I need to learn, and perhaps we all do, to support myself and not be so hard on myself.
It is important to remember these feelings so that we can understand and empathize with another going thru' difficult times.
And so, today, during my respite-I soon will need to go thru' the mammogram period again-I am thankful for today, for what I do have. The wisest advice I received from a teacher of mine now is to live and enjoy-to go out, to travel, movies, friends, etc. I have tended to really hibernate due to physical outward manifestations, and depression. So I am trying to push myself out and within the world more.
My best wishes go out to any of you that identify with my words.
Until the next time-may we all feel positive emotionally and physically.
I AM TAKING a course for volunteers for future work in helping those w. cancer. I don't know if I will or can be strong enough to do it, but we are all trying at least to learn techniques (19 of us).
I need to remember the fear, the panic, the stress, the constant uncertainty when all of a sudden new tests and findings show up. There truly is a constant awareness and fear of what if, when, where, am I living properly, am I enjoying at all. These feelings continue on and then, we have a respite of time, hopefully a long time. :I have just finished getting over the panic associated with 3 biopsies on one side, and 1 on the other side. My chronic urticara, alongside, makes me feel that I have no control over my body, except to eat properly and to exercise. My mood tends to be down, and I must constantly strive to look up and be upbeat, not an easy feat. Fatigue continues to be a major 'downer' for me, as I lack energy. I am told that the chemotherapy did quite a number on my immune system, thus I am more prone to infections, fatigue. It's amazing that when your body is fighting against you, via pain, fatigue, infections, you really have to measure out your energy carefully. MY kind of depression at not being able to do more is a constant challenge. We usually support the other person. I need to learn, and perhaps we all do, to support myself and not be so hard on myself.
It is important to remember these feelings so that we can understand and empathize with another going thru' difficult times.
And so, today, during my respite-I soon will need to go thru' the mammogram period again-I am thankful for today, for what I do have. The wisest advice I received from a teacher of mine now is to live and enjoy-to go out, to travel, movies, friends, etc. I have tended to really hibernate due to physical outward manifestations, and depression. So I am trying to push myself out and within the world more.
My best wishes go out to any of you that identify with my words.
Until the next time-may we all feel positive emotionally and physically.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
JAN. 24-12 A DIFFICULT PERIOD
SHALOM!
I AM UPSET TO SEE HOW I CAN GET SO DEPRESSED WHEN THINGS ARE PROBLEMATIC. THE BIOPSY ON THE OTHER SIDE WAS SO HUMILIATING, AND DEGRADING FOR ME THAT I LEFT IN A TRAUMA. IF IT HAD BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME IN ADVANCE, AND IF THE NURSES, DOCTOR AND TECHNICIANS HAD SPOKEN IN ENGLISH AROUND ME AND NOT IN RUSSIAN, AND IF I WAS NOT SHUFFLED AROUND HALF UNDRESSED TO SIT IN A CORNER WHILE THE MACHINES WERE NOT OPERATING, AND IF THE ACTUAL BIOPSY HAD NOT BEEN SO DIFFICULT FOR ME, AND IT WAS. NOTICE, FOR SOMEONE ELSE, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EASY. BOTTOM LINE, IT LEFT ME TRAUMATIZED. NO RESULTS YET-ONE MUST BE PATIENT AND WAIT. I WASN'T WORRIED ACTUALLY, AS IT WAS A PREVENTATIVE MEASURE TAKEN, BUT THIS VERY EXPENSIVE EXPERIENCE WAS FAR FROM EASY FOR ME.
ON TOP OF THAT, MY CHRONIC UTICARA, HIVES ALL OVER MY BODY AND SWELLING OF LIPS, EYE, ETC. HAS RETURNED WEEKS AGO. IT SEEMS THAT MY BODY NO LONGER IS KEEPING ME GOING WELL AT THE MOMENT. SO I ALLOWED DEPRESSION TO OVERTAKE ME. MIND YOU, I DO TRY TO FIGHT IT DAILY. THE FATIGUE AS WELL LIMITS MY OUTINGS AND UNDERTAKINGS. BUT I DO WHAT I CAN. PERHAPS ALL OF THIS IS TO REMIND ME TO ALWAYS 'FEEL' FOR THE OTHER PERSON, NOT JUST IN WORDS OF 'I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER' , BUT TO TRULY UNDERSTAND THAT THEY MAY BE TRULY EXPERIENCING JUST DIFFICULT TIMES.
WHAT CAN I WISH ALL OF US IN THIS NEW MONTH OF SHVAT, WHICH INDICATES SPRING ON ITS WAY, THAT WE REGAIN A SPRING IN OUR HEARTS, OUR BODIES, OUR SOULS. I WISH ANY READERS AN UPLIFT OF SPIRIT, AND TO MYSELF AS WELL.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.
I AM UPSET TO SEE HOW I CAN GET SO DEPRESSED WHEN THINGS ARE PROBLEMATIC. THE BIOPSY ON THE OTHER SIDE WAS SO HUMILIATING, AND DEGRADING FOR ME THAT I LEFT IN A TRAUMA. IF IT HAD BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME IN ADVANCE, AND IF THE NURSES, DOCTOR AND TECHNICIANS HAD SPOKEN IN ENGLISH AROUND ME AND NOT IN RUSSIAN, AND IF I WAS NOT SHUFFLED AROUND HALF UNDRESSED TO SIT IN A CORNER WHILE THE MACHINES WERE NOT OPERATING, AND IF THE ACTUAL BIOPSY HAD NOT BEEN SO DIFFICULT FOR ME, AND IT WAS. NOTICE, FOR SOMEONE ELSE, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EASY. BOTTOM LINE, IT LEFT ME TRAUMATIZED. NO RESULTS YET-ONE MUST BE PATIENT AND WAIT. I WASN'T WORRIED ACTUALLY, AS IT WAS A PREVENTATIVE MEASURE TAKEN, BUT THIS VERY EXPENSIVE EXPERIENCE WAS FAR FROM EASY FOR ME.
ON TOP OF THAT, MY CHRONIC UTICARA, HIVES ALL OVER MY BODY AND SWELLING OF LIPS, EYE, ETC. HAS RETURNED WEEKS AGO. IT SEEMS THAT MY BODY NO LONGER IS KEEPING ME GOING WELL AT THE MOMENT. SO I ALLOWED DEPRESSION TO OVERTAKE ME. MIND YOU, I DO TRY TO FIGHT IT DAILY. THE FATIGUE AS WELL LIMITS MY OUTINGS AND UNDERTAKINGS. BUT I DO WHAT I CAN. PERHAPS ALL OF THIS IS TO REMIND ME TO ALWAYS 'FEEL' FOR THE OTHER PERSON, NOT JUST IN WORDS OF 'I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER' , BUT TO TRULY UNDERSTAND THAT THEY MAY BE TRULY EXPERIENCING JUST DIFFICULT TIMES.
WHAT CAN I WISH ALL OF US IN THIS NEW MONTH OF SHVAT, WHICH INDICATES SPRING ON ITS WAY, THAT WE REGAIN A SPRING IN OUR HEARTS, OUR BODIES, OUR SOULS. I WISH ANY READERS AN UPLIFT OF SPIRIT, AND TO MYSELF AS WELL.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
JAN. 11-2012 LIVING WITH UNKNOWNS
SHALOM!
TIME HAS ITS WAY OF SORTING THINGS OUT. THE 3 GROWTHS AND 3 BIOPSIES PROVED, THANKFULLY, NOT TO BE CANCEROUS. WHAT THEY REALLY ARE I DON'T KNOW, UNTIL I MEET WITH MY DOCTORS AGAIN.
NOW I HAVE TO DO THE 4TH BIOPSY ON THE OTHER SIDE. I HAVE LEARNED TO TAKE IT IN MY STRIDE-IF IT'S THERE, IT'S THERE, AND WORRYING JUST WON'T HELP SOLVE THE MATTER OR CHANGE THINGS. SIMPLE TO SAY, BUT I DO TRY TO PUT WORRYING ASIDE. THE DAY OF I GET ANXIOUS AGAIN, AS I IMAGINE IT WILL ALWAYS BE.
I GUESS LIFE CONTINUES TO GIVE ALL IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER 'CHALLENGES' TO LIVE WITH, OVERCOME, AND STRENGTH TO JUST FORGE ALONG. SO I CONTINUE ALL MY REGULAR ACTIVITIES, TEACHING, EXERCISING, WATCHING MY DIET, AND TRYING TO DEAL WITH MY CONSTANT FATIGUE BY COMING HOME AND SIMPLY COLLAPSING PART OF THE DAY.
I SURE KNOW THAT MY BODY IS NOT THE SAME AS IT ONCE WAS. I FEEL THE PASSAGE OF TIME, AND HOW I MUST LIVE AS BEST I CAN TO ENJOY WHAT I CAN, WITH WHATEVER LIMITED STRENGTH THERE IS. I BLESS ALL THOSE AROUND ME WHO ARE EVER SO NICE AND CARING. WHAT A DIFFERENCE A KIND WORD OR GESTURE DOES FOR THE NESHAMA/SOUL.
I WISH ALL OF US WELL, UNTIL THE NEXT TIME I WRITE.
TIME HAS ITS WAY OF SORTING THINGS OUT. THE 3 GROWTHS AND 3 BIOPSIES PROVED, THANKFULLY, NOT TO BE CANCEROUS. WHAT THEY REALLY ARE I DON'T KNOW, UNTIL I MEET WITH MY DOCTORS AGAIN.
NOW I HAVE TO DO THE 4TH BIOPSY ON THE OTHER SIDE. I HAVE LEARNED TO TAKE IT IN MY STRIDE-IF IT'S THERE, IT'S THERE, AND WORRYING JUST WON'T HELP SOLVE THE MATTER OR CHANGE THINGS. SIMPLE TO SAY, BUT I DO TRY TO PUT WORRYING ASIDE. THE DAY OF I GET ANXIOUS AGAIN, AS I IMAGINE IT WILL ALWAYS BE.
I GUESS LIFE CONTINUES TO GIVE ALL IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER 'CHALLENGES' TO LIVE WITH, OVERCOME, AND STRENGTH TO JUST FORGE ALONG. SO I CONTINUE ALL MY REGULAR ACTIVITIES, TEACHING, EXERCISING, WATCHING MY DIET, AND TRYING TO DEAL WITH MY CONSTANT FATIGUE BY COMING HOME AND SIMPLY COLLAPSING PART OF THE DAY.
I SURE KNOW THAT MY BODY IS NOT THE SAME AS IT ONCE WAS. I FEEL THE PASSAGE OF TIME, AND HOW I MUST LIVE AS BEST I CAN TO ENJOY WHAT I CAN, WITH WHATEVER LIMITED STRENGTH THERE IS. I BLESS ALL THOSE AROUND ME WHO ARE EVER SO NICE AND CARING. WHAT A DIFFERENCE A KIND WORD OR GESTURE DOES FOR THE NESHAMA/SOUL.
I WISH ALL OF US WELL, UNTIL THE NEXT TIME I WRITE.
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