Hello:
My writing today may not be what you expect it to be, my thoughts on my cancer etc. Today, I had to put to sleep my pet companion, friend, child, my houshold partner, my little toy poodle. She has been with me for at least 11 years, borne 3 babies, been my true friend, always ready to greet me, to sit near me, to walk with me, to just 'be' there' for me.
Amidst my cancer year, my little dog somehow got cancer. I checked with my vet and all the research shows NO connection whatsoever to the fact that I had cancer. I detected her lump myself, and at first the vet poo-pooed it, as to only a lump of fat. But I kept watch, and to make a long story short, Mocha underwent not one operation for cancer, but two, as the lump grew back again. I had lengthy discussions with my vet as to what we would do if a 3rd growth of cancer showed up. We decided then that next time, should it arise, we would put Mocha to sleep, as it would only mean continued suffering for her as time went on. The lump grew back, much larger this time, and Mocha started losing control of her continence. For a while, I just cleaned it up and let it go. But as I had to start restrcting her more with very little food, it just got worse, she was no longer the frisky happy wonderful creature. She only wanted to sleep and eat, and then got sick from it.
Now I have dealt with the death of a former dog of mine years ago, and I always knew that I would never let my pet suffer. It is bad enough that we let adults suffer and suffer, and not be able to help them die in dignity. My vet was afraid that when it really came to the crux, that I would not be able to let him put her to rest. But I knew that her life was now suffering-the tumor was about to burst open and really cause suffering. So by myself, with my wonderful vet, we put Mocha to rest. I was very concerned as to her burial arrangements, and again, my vet and I discussed this long ago. He will bury her at Motza himself . It is my loss that I grieve for her absence. She has been such a source of life for me-someone to come home to, someone to care for. I never felt so alone as long as I had my little pet. Often it was very difficult to go away for vacations or week-ends, but it was worth it to me to stay home with her. I was lucky that my son and daughter-in-law were very good about helping out when they could, as well as a young girl babysat occasionally.
And so the cycle of life comes to an end. As a recovering cancer patient (I hope), in my cancer group we are constantly talking of life and death. I know internally that life and death are the outside boundaries of the years I have on earth (as do we all). It is like a sandwich-birth, the productive fruitful years, and then death. But living with a life-threatening illnes, we become so very aware of the frailty of life, and our final destination. It makes me, for one, truly appreciate every good moment, day, happening in life.
I know that Mocha had good years. I was privileged to have had her with me. I am also pleased that I did not let her continue to suffer endlessly as the cancer spread and incapacitated her more and more.
As I sit here and cry, I realize that Mocha was my lifeline, a breathing creature of this universe, who also sat at my feet, slept nearby, needed me as much as I needed her, who gave me joy, a sense of not being alone, a sense of being useful and needed. I am so very fortunate for having had this great opportunity as part of my life. She in essence is my 3rd pet dog over the years. Each one has enriched my life, and has given meaning to it.
I pray for all of us to eventually know 'the kiss of death' when we need to, and to enjoy fully our time here on earth as best we can while we can.
My best wishes for all of us.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
JAN. 23-2011 ALONG MY JOURNEY
Shalom!
Well, it has been almost a month since I wrote here, but I have been doing writings from my Bibliotherapy course of my cancer group at Tishkofet Maagan. How weird it is that now that I am not doing 'tipulim', thank G., I am still a cancer person in thought and feel more comfortable amongst people that understand and are there or have been 'there'. In this group, we are encouraged to write feelings and thoughts, which I do, so that takes me away from writing here.
Each time I think of going thru' chemotherapy, I am so very very thankful and pray not to ever need to do this again. When I go in for my monthly cleaning of my port, it pains me terribly to see the patients in treatment. Thank G. I feel normal and that shocks me as well! Only my shoulder still gives me pain and is problematic when opening heavy car doors or lifting my arm up. I walk around this earth being so very aware of each good moment-I feel and fear that something bad is around the corner about to happen. So I try to enjoy each day when I wake up and do things that I have chosen to do, but with such awareness as to the frailty of life.
I finally had my first 3 day outing out of my home to the Dead Sea with the teachers' union, where I teach. To sit and read and be a 'normal' person with this vast sea of humanity was stupendous. I actually bumped into another cancer patient and we, hardly knowing each other, just fell into each other's arms with joy to see one another. Strange world!
I wish all and any readers to feel well, and thank you all for praying not only for chaya bat sary bayla but for all sick people.
Until the next time-
Chow!
Well, it has been almost a month since I wrote here, but I have been doing writings from my Bibliotherapy course of my cancer group at Tishkofet Maagan. How weird it is that now that I am not doing 'tipulim', thank G., I am still a cancer person in thought and feel more comfortable amongst people that understand and are there or have been 'there'. In this group, we are encouraged to write feelings and thoughts, which I do, so that takes me away from writing here.
Each time I think of going thru' chemotherapy, I am so very very thankful and pray not to ever need to do this again. When I go in for my monthly cleaning of my port, it pains me terribly to see the patients in treatment. Thank G. I feel normal and that shocks me as well! Only my shoulder still gives me pain and is problematic when opening heavy car doors or lifting my arm up. I walk around this earth being so very aware of each good moment-I feel and fear that something bad is around the corner about to happen. So I try to enjoy each day when I wake up and do things that I have chosen to do, but with such awareness as to the frailty of life.
I finally had my first 3 day outing out of my home to the Dead Sea with the teachers' union, where I teach. To sit and read and be a 'normal' person with this vast sea of humanity was stupendous. I actually bumped into another cancer patient and we, hardly knowing each other, just fell into each other's arms with joy to see one another. Strange world!
I wish all and any readers to feel well, and thank you all for praying not only for chaya bat sary bayla but for all sick people.
Until the next time-
Chow!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
DEC. 28-10 CONTINUING ON MY JOURNEY
Shalom!
It's amazing that now that I have completed my treatments (hopefully forever), I am more and more drawn in to the activities, lectures from cancer groups. Knowing that we are fighting the unknown, I know that cancer could come back at any time, and that for me anyways, I feel the presence of 'the angel of death' beside me, even as I live my life now. It has come too close for comfort; we all face death, but now I feel my mortality constantly, and am therefore so grateful for each and every day. My faith has been very challenged, and I grapple with it within discussions in a cancer group. Whereas usually I am more laid back in revealing my deepest thoughts, in my cancer group, I tend to express myself even more than I would like to do. It is hard to figure this out-am I a cancer patient-yes and no at the moment. Yet, it is nothing I can turn my back on. I see drs. regularly, have my port cleaned and checked monthly, continue my physio therapy bi weekly-it seems that this rotator cuff disease is a direct result of my operation/chem/radiation treatments.
Well, this blog is to let my thoughts hang out -if you are bored, pleased don't read it.
I wish each and every reader/sick person, emotionally challenged person -good health, and the ability to stand more or less independently and continue on.
Until the next time-
thank you.
chaya bat saray bayle and to
kol cholei bnai yisrael
It's amazing that now that I have completed my treatments (hopefully forever), I am more and more drawn in to the activities, lectures from cancer groups. Knowing that we are fighting the unknown, I know that cancer could come back at any time, and that for me anyways, I feel the presence of 'the angel of death' beside me, even as I live my life now. It has come too close for comfort; we all face death, but now I feel my mortality constantly, and am therefore so grateful for each and every day. My faith has been very challenged, and I grapple with it within discussions in a cancer group. Whereas usually I am more laid back in revealing my deepest thoughts, in my cancer group, I tend to express myself even more than I would like to do. It is hard to figure this out-am I a cancer patient-yes and no at the moment. Yet, it is nothing I can turn my back on. I see drs. regularly, have my port cleaned and checked monthly, continue my physio therapy bi weekly-it seems that this rotator cuff disease is a direct result of my operation/chem/radiation treatments.
Well, this blog is to let my thoughts hang out -if you are bored, pleased don't read it.
I wish each and every reader/sick person, emotionally challenged person -good health, and the ability to stand more or less independently and continue on.
Until the next time-
thank you.
chaya bat saray bayle and to
kol cholei bnai yisrael
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
DEC. 15-10 THANK YOU UNIVERSE!
SHALOM!
To feel human again, I thought I would never know the feeling. To be able to function without extreme extreme fatigue, without exhaustion is like a miracle. Not that I don't have to rest each day somewhat, but the waves of fatigue are so much less. Now some of it is after 5 months after completion of chemo and radiation, but also we removed a morning pill for blood pressure entirely to see if that will make a difference. We could only do that as thank G. my bl. pressure has been pretty stable lately.
Having cancer has taught me to listen more to my body. If I can't handle a lot of evening activities, so be it. I go to bed earlier than most, as I am up by 3 a.m. latest 4 a.m. for a new day. It does really curtail evening social activities, but I am so content to be home more after all these years of full time working. I am finally taking some courses, from the cancer base involving Torah study and life lessons, some yoga, since my Dr. felt I wasn't doing enough exercise. At the teachers' base, where I teach weekly and simply love it, I am taking a course on the relationship of mind and body. All in all, I love what I am doing. Hopefully, soon, I will start back at one of my volunteering places.
'Going with the flow' is a new concept, which I never could do. But I am doing more and more of it. If I were to get upset over each little thing, my body would be constantly stressed out. So I let it go-let the 'universe' worry about it for me. I do my part and hope for the best.
Anyways, you know that I am writing this blog mostly for me, and if any of this makes sense to you, or helps you to help others, good!
Until the next time we meet,
Shalom
Thank you always for your prayers and thoughts and good health to all those still having a hard time. Believe me, I know how hard this all is.
To feel human again, I thought I would never know the feeling. To be able to function without extreme extreme fatigue, without exhaustion is like a miracle. Not that I don't have to rest each day somewhat, but the waves of fatigue are so much less. Now some of it is after 5 months after completion of chemo and radiation, but also we removed a morning pill for blood pressure entirely to see if that will make a difference. We could only do that as thank G. my bl. pressure has been pretty stable lately.
Having cancer has taught me to listen more to my body. If I can't handle a lot of evening activities, so be it. I go to bed earlier than most, as I am up by 3 a.m. latest 4 a.m. for a new day. It does really curtail evening social activities, but I am so content to be home more after all these years of full time working. I am finally taking some courses, from the cancer base involving Torah study and life lessons, some yoga, since my Dr. felt I wasn't doing enough exercise. At the teachers' base, where I teach weekly and simply love it, I am taking a course on the relationship of mind and body. All in all, I love what I am doing. Hopefully, soon, I will start back at one of my volunteering places.
'Going with the flow' is a new concept, which I never could do. But I am doing more and more of it. If I were to get upset over each little thing, my body would be constantly stressed out. So I let it go-let the 'universe' worry about it for me. I do my part and hope for the best.
Anyways, you know that I am writing this blog mostly for me, and if any of this makes sense to you, or helps you to help others, good!
Until the next time we meet,
Shalom
Thank you always for your prayers and thoughts and good health to all those still having a hard time. Believe me, I know how hard this all is.
Friday, December 3, 2010
DEC. 3-10 PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR ALL OF US
Shalom!
My mammogram almost exactly to the year this week showed no cancer evident in the breast area, thank G. It was a real fright to be taken in again to 'the room' after the mammogram for further testing. I immediately asked: 'Again?' You found more?' But after having cancer, it seems you not only get a mammogram, but have an ultra sound as well. Now I will know for the next time.
My shoulder area continues to plague me, but I try to put it in perspective to others suffering more. And now, with my fatigue partner always accompanying me day and night, bingo, I get Vertigo, and am a helpless soul in the middle of the night. Frightening it is, but when I measure my fear and feelings against life and death in the Carmel area, and how people died, I know to put it all in perspective. Thank G. I am still functioning, even with all these set backs. Cancelling another planned Shabat trip to grandchildren in another city was necessary, but not the end of the world (in my new worldly outlook).
And so, I ask any readers, to continue wishing well all those whom you know who are still not well, or who are recovering, each in her own way, and I thank you all for your prayers and love that I feel even from a distance.
Shabat Shalom-Chanukah Sameach, as best we can enjoy/appreciate it and life.
Until next time....
My mammogram almost exactly to the year this week showed no cancer evident in the breast area, thank G. It was a real fright to be taken in again to 'the room' after the mammogram for further testing. I immediately asked: 'Again?' You found more?' But after having cancer, it seems you not only get a mammogram, but have an ultra sound as well. Now I will know for the next time.
My shoulder area continues to plague me, but I try to put it in perspective to others suffering more. And now, with my fatigue partner always accompanying me day and night, bingo, I get Vertigo, and am a helpless soul in the middle of the night. Frightening it is, but when I measure my fear and feelings against life and death in the Carmel area, and how people died, I know to put it all in perspective. Thank G. I am still functioning, even with all these set backs. Cancelling another planned Shabat trip to grandchildren in another city was necessary, but not the end of the world (in my new worldly outlook).
And so, I ask any readers, to continue wishing well all those whom you know who are still not well, or who are recovering, each in her own way, and I thank you all for your prayers and love that I feel even from a distance.
Shabat Shalom-Chanukah Sameach, as best we can enjoy/appreciate it and life.
Until next time....
Thursday, November 25, 2010
NOV. 25-2010 TIME!
Shalom!
Time, the great equalizer perhaps, the passage of time eases, soothes, stretches on, goes so quickly, continues to plague us-so many different interpretations of this concept of time.
All I know is that almost exactly to the year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I can finally say that I feel somewhat like a normal human being. Fear is always lurking re the unknown, fatigue is a part of me constantly minus the sudden waves of fatigue hitting at me non-stop, but I am functioning more or less normally again.
The release of knowing that this pain of the last 4 months is from A rotator cuff impingement and adhesive capsulitis and not from cancer itself. The terms sound scary, but so far the 2 injections have helped, I am getting proper physio for this ailment. I hope that all the blood work and body bone scan will come out o'kay. It seems that although I feel more normal, I am constantly being tested and checked and running to doctors and/or tests. But thankfully, I am being monitored.
How does cancer change you, improve you, defeat you? Well, I saw such a change in my attitude this past week, when I had planned a 3 day get away to a resort with sessions on good health taking place. This was to be my first venture out of my cancer world of the past year. Not only that, but I was going alone, knowing no one, and not sharing a room with anyone (a first for me).
To make a long story short, I gave my dog to a pension, and with all my nervousness before a trip (I am always tense before leaving my home and security for any length of time), went to the meeting place to only find out that the trip had been cancelled and that I had not been notified.
I was certainly angry at the mismanagement of the organization, but soon after I returned home, thinking, that after all that I have gone thru' this past year, I can't overreact. It just isn't worth my being upset. And so I used my time to finish other things and proceeded on with my life. This is not how I would have reacted before my illness. I would have stayed upset for a long time and more emotionally angry. but now... I just let it flow.
Anyways, c'est la vie. Life has and is going to have its flow upwards and most certainly downwards all along this journey of life.
I wish all of any readers good health and good moments of happiness., and an easy flow thru' life's journey.
Bye for now.
Time, the great equalizer perhaps, the passage of time eases, soothes, stretches on, goes so quickly, continues to plague us-so many different interpretations of this concept of time.
All I know is that almost exactly to the year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I can finally say that I feel somewhat like a normal human being. Fear is always lurking re the unknown, fatigue is a part of me constantly minus the sudden waves of fatigue hitting at me non-stop, but I am functioning more or less normally again.
The release of knowing that this pain of the last 4 months is from A rotator cuff impingement and adhesive capsulitis and not from cancer itself. The terms sound scary, but so far the 2 injections have helped, I am getting proper physio for this ailment. I hope that all the blood work and body bone scan will come out o'kay. It seems that although I feel more normal, I am constantly being tested and checked and running to doctors and/or tests. But thankfully, I am being monitored.
How does cancer change you, improve you, defeat you? Well, I saw such a change in my attitude this past week, when I had planned a 3 day get away to a resort with sessions on good health taking place. This was to be my first venture out of my cancer world of the past year. Not only that, but I was going alone, knowing no one, and not sharing a room with anyone (a first for me).
To make a long story short, I gave my dog to a pension, and with all my nervousness before a trip (I am always tense before leaving my home and security for any length of time), went to the meeting place to only find out that the trip had been cancelled and that I had not been notified.
I was certainly angry at the mismanagement of the organization, but soon after I returned home, thinking, that after all that I have gone thru' this past year, I can't overreact. It just isn't worth my being upset. And so I used my time to finish other things and proceeded on with my life. This is not how I would have reacted before my illness. I would have stayed upset for a long time and more emotionally angry. but now... I just let it flow.
Anyways, c'est la vie. Life has and is going to have its flow upwards and most certainly downwards all along this journey of life.
I wish all of any readers good health and good moments of happiness., and an easy flow thru' life's journey.
Bye for now.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
NOV. 18-10 AN UPDATE
SHALOM:
I AM KEEPING A RUNNING COMMENTARY OF MY LIFE FOR MY CANCER GROUP, FOR MY ABUNDANCE DIARY, AND ALSO THIS BLOG. I RUN OUT OF STEAM TO KEEP UP WITH IT ALL.
SOMEHOW, THANK G. 4 MONTHS AFTER I FINISHED TREATMENTS, THE FATIGUE , ALTHOUGH STILL THERE, IS NOT AS VICIOUS AS BEFORE. I ALWAYS DESCRIBED IT AS WAVES OF FATIGUE WASHING OVER ME INSTANTANEOUSLY. NOW IT COMES, BUT I KNOW TO JUST LIE DOWN, AND ACCEPT IT, AND IT APPEARS LESS VIOLENT. PERHAPS I HAVE JUST LEARNED TO ACCEPT.
MY SON TOOK ME TO TEL HASHOMER HOSPITAL TO THE HEAD OF A PAIN CLINIC FOR MY CONSTANT PAINS IN MY RIGHT SHOULDER, ARM. (SAME SIDE AS SURGERY AND RADIATION. THANK G. CT TEST SHOWED NO CANCER INVOLVEMENT.
THE DR. THERE DIAGNOSED ME IMMEDIATELY AND GAVE ME 2 SHOTS OF CORTISONE, WHICH HAVE HELPED TEMPORARILY. NOW I GO FOR TESTING IN MY WHOLE BODY, BUT THIS SEEMS TO BE ANOTHER PROBLEM UNRELATED TO MY CANCER. HOWEVER THE RADIATION POSITIONING OF MY ARM DAILY, AND NO MOVEMENT ALLOWED, PERHAPS EXASBERATED THE CONDITION OF MY SHOULDER. ANYWAYS, I NOW GO FOR NEW PHYSIO THERAPY, TESTS, ETC. BUT KNOWING THAT IT IS NOT CANCER SURE RELIEVED MY MIND IMMENSELY.
I AM FUNCTIONING MORE LIKE A HUMAN BEING NOW THANK G. AND AM ALWAYS THANKFUL FOR EACH THING THAT I CAN DO OR ATTEND. SINCE I LOVE MY TEACHING, THAT GIVES ME MUCH SATISFACTION. HAVING CARING FAMILY AND FRIENDS ADDS IMMENSELY TO MY SELF ESTEEM. I HAVE BEEN A DIFFICULT PATIENT AT TIMES, LACKING FULL FAITH, BUT I KEEP PLUGGING ALONG.
IT WAS WITH GREAT SADNESS TO HEAR OF THE DEATH OF OTHER CANCER WOMEN LATELY. WE ALL HAVE OUR END SITE, KNOWN OR UNKNOWN TO US. THAT'S WHY WE MUST ENJOY WHAT WE CAN AS LONG AS WE CAN.
AND SO, I FINALLY TOOK A MOVE THIS WEEK OUT OF MY CANCER WORLD AND WORRY-WENT WITH A GROUP OF TEACHERS FOR A DAY'S TIYUL, OUTING. CAME BACK EXHAUSTED BUT SO HAPPY.
I WISH ANY READER PEACE AND HEALTH IN THEIR BODIES AND HEARTS.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME-SHALOM
I AM KEEPING A RUNNING COMMENTARY OF MY LIFE FOR MY CANCER GROUP, FOR MY ABUNDANCE DIARY, AND ALSO THIS BLOG. I RUN OUT OF STEAM TO KEEP UP WITH IT ALL.
SOMEHOW, THANK G. 4 MONTHS AFTER I FINISHED TREATMENTS, THE FATIGUE , ALTHOUGH STILL THERE, IS NOT AS VICIOUS AS BEFORE. I ALWAYS DESCRIBED IT AS WAVES OF FATIGUE WASHING OVER ME INSTANTANEOUSLY. NOW IT COMES, BUT I KNOW TO JUST LIE DOWN, AND ACCEPT IT, AND IT APPEARS LESS VIOLENT. PERHAPS I HAVE JUST LEARNED TO ACCEPT.
MY SON TOOK ME TO TEL HASHOMER HOSPITAL TO THE HEAD OF A PAIN CLINIC FOR MY CONSTANT PAINS IN MY RIGHT SHOULDER, ARM. (SAME SIDE AS SURGERY AND RADIATION. THANK G. CT TEST SHOWED NO CANCER INVOLVEMENT.
THE DR. THERE DIAGNOSED ME IMMEDIATELY AND GAVE ME 2 SHOTS OF CORTISONE, WHICH HAVE HELPED TEMPORARILY. NOW I GO FOR TESTING IN MY WHOLE BODY, BUT THIS SEEMS TO BE ANOTHER PROBLEM UNRELATED TO MY CANCER. HOWEVER THE RADIATION POSITIONING OF MY ARM DAILY, AND NO MOVEMENT ALLOWED, PERHAPS EXASBERATED THE CONDITION OF MY SHOULDER. ANYWAYS, I NOW GO FOR NEW PHYSIO THERAPY, TESTS, ETC. BUT KNOWING THAT IT IS NOT CANCER SURE RELIEVED MY MIND IMMENSELY.
I AM FUNCTIONING MORE LIKE A HUMAN BEING NOW THANK G. AND AM ALWAYS THANKFUL FOR EACH THING THAT I CAN DO OR ATTEND. SINCE I LOVE MY TEACHING, THAT GIVES ME MUCH SATISFACTION. HAVING CARING FAMILY AND FRIENDS ADDS IMMENSELY TO MY SELF ESTEEM. I HAVE BEEN A DIFFICULT PATIENT AT TIMES, LACKING FULL FAITH, BUT I KEEP PLUGGING ALONG.
IT WAS WITH GREAT SADNESS TO HEAR OF THE DEATH OF OTHER CANCER WOMEN LATELY. WE ALL HAVE OUR END SITE, KNOWN OR UNKNOWN TO US. THAT'S WHY WE MUST ENJOY WHAT WE CAN AS LONG AS WE CAN.
AND SO, I FINALLY TOOK A MOVE THIS WEEK OUT OF MY CANCER WORLD AND WORRY-WENT WITH A GROUP OF TEACHERS FOR A DAY'S TIYUL, OUTING. CAME BACK EXHAUSTED BUT SO HAPPY.
I WISH ANY READER PEACE AND HEALTH IN THEIR BODIES AND HEARTS.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME-SHALOM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)