SOME NEW OBSERVATIONS AND FEELINGS-NOV. 12-09

SOME TIME HAS PASSED, AND DUE TO MY INEXPERIENCE WITH BLOGGING, I HAVE 2 INITIAL BEGINNING ENTRIES RATHER THAN ONE.

THIS PAST WEEK HAS BEEN ONE FILLED WITH TEST AFTER TEST IN PREPARATION FOR ENTRY INTO THE HOSPITAL FOR REMOVAL OF THE 'GUSH'.
THAT INCLUDES BLOOD WORK, A CARDIOGRAM, A BODY IMAGING PROCESS, A 'CT ' SCAN. I DID ALL OF MINE IN A FLURRY, HOPING THAT BY MY SPEED, IT WOULD SPEED UP MY TURN TO QUICKLY ENTER AND HAVE THIS HORRENDOUS MONSTER REMOVED INSTANTLY. BUT SUCH DID NOT HAPPEN. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE MANY WOMEN ON THE LIST OF MY DR. AND OF MANY OTHERS WAITING FOR THIS 'DELUXE' PLEASURE.

IN ONE OF MY BLOOD WORK TESTS, A RATHER INCOMPETENT NURSE COULDN'T FIND MY VEIN EASILY, AND BOTCHED IT UP. BY THE NEXT EVENING, I HAD DEVELOPED AN INFECTION IN MY LEG AND HAND. I COULDN'T STAND OR MOVE MY TOES NOR WALK. IT WAS TRULY A TERRIFYING TIME, AS I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. BARUCH HASHEM, WITH THE USE OF A CANE WHICH I HAPPENED TO HAVE IN MY HOME, I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO CRAWL, HOLD ON TO WALLS UNTIL THE NEXT DAY, WHEN MY GENERAL PRACTITIONER CONCLUDED THAT IT WAS AN INFECTION, AND SLOWLY, WITH THE USE OF THE CANE, I PROGRESSED BACK TO BEING NORMAL IN MY WALK.

AND NOW AS I WAIT ONE WEEK, 2 WEEKS, SO POSITIVE THAT NOW FOR SURE, MY SURGEON WILL HAVE ME PAGED FOR SURGERY, BUT NOT YET. I HAVE GONE BACK TO HIM AT HIS REQUEST AND HAVE HAD ULTRA SOUND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I AM BECOMING AN EXPERT AT READING THE ULTRA SOUND MACHINE AND SPOTTING THE GUSH MYSELF.
WHEN YOU ARE TOLD: 'DON'T COME ALONE. BRING SOMEONE,' YOU DO GET FRIGHTENED BUT GOOD. BUT THE EXTRA PERSON IS THERE TO WRITE DOWN THE DR.'S COMMENTS AS A BACK UP FOR ME, IN CASE I MISS SOMETHING OR MISUNDERSTAND A COMMENT.

AND SO, I AM SO VERY THANKFUL TO HAVE DAYS RIGHT NOW AFTER THE SHOCK AND THE SLEW OF TESTS TO JUST ACT NORMAL- TO TEACH, TO COOK, TO WALK OUTSIDE IN THE LOVELY AIR, TO SEE THE WORLD CONTINUING LIKE ALWAYS. AND I FIND MYSELF LAUGHING AGAIN, WANTING CONTACT WITH MY FRIENDS, WITH MY STUDENTS, WITH STRANGERS.
PERHAPS IT'S ALL A BAD DREAM. MAYBE I CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND IT WILL DISAPPEAR. BUT MY DEAR COUSIN DOESN'T LET ME GO THAT WAY, NOR DO MY BROTHER AND SISTER-IN-LAW. THEY KEEP ME GROUNDED.I MUST DO WHAT I MUST DO.

FOR ME THAT MEANS HAVING SURGERY, AND EVEN A POSSIBLE SECOND SURGERY IF THEY FIND THAT THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OUT. KNOWING THAT IN ADVANCE IS SO UNSETTLING, TO PUT IT MILDLY.
THEN FOLLOWS SOME TIME TO RECUPERATE, WHATEVER THAT MEANS. ON TO CHEMOTHERAPY, THEN A TIME LAPSE FOR OTHER MEDICINES FOR SOME OTHER PROTEIN LACKING (I TRULY DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL OF THAT), AND THEN ON TO RADIATION.
IT'S LIKE AN UNREAL MOVIE ABOUT TO COME OUT ON THE SCREEN. EXCEPT THAT IT'S ME, MY LIFE. I JUST WANT TO TEACH AND TEACH AND LIVE AND BREATHE AND GIVE TO OTHERS AND NOT HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE.

I THANK YOU ALL WHO ARE READING THIS BLOG, FOR PRAYING FOR ME

CHAYA BAT SARAH BAYLA.

I thank each and every one of you who is including me in your tefillot. May we all know of besorot tovot. SHABAT SHALOM!