APRIL 5-2012 ALONG MY JOURNEY

Shalom!

It's been quite a while since I last wrote. I always meant to, but by the time I did what I HAD to do, I was depleted and just went to bed. The fatigue hits whenever and is still prominent. After all the mammograms and ultrasounds again, thank G. right now, that part is clear. The attack on my immune system remains-leaving me with extreme fatigue, chronic urticars-i.e., hives, swelling in lips, eyes. Thus I get only so much done, and that is that. I just can't do more.

Of course, aging is a factor, but not to that extent. So after on/off pills to deal with all this allergy, I am back on again for at least 2 months. But altho' it is a pain, I remind myself to be thankful that it's not cancer, its' the result of the chemotherapy which did a real number on my immune system.

I finished taking the course to help other sick people, and now after Passover/Pesach, we will hear how our help will be implemented and where. In this course, and sometimes out in the 'world, there are some very caring people who want to reach out to others. It makes me believe in some of mankind.

Each set-back or pain or miscomfort reminds me to be sensitive to the pain of others.

I wish any reader a wonderful spring-let's try to enjoy nature and its beauty. I reach out to you, wherever you are, to say-thank G. we're alive right now, today, and G. willing, tomorrow and beyond.

Love and hugs

CHW

FEB. 12-2012 A RESPITE ALONG THE WAY

SHALOM!

I AM TAKING a course for volunteers for future work in helping those w. cancer. I don't know if I will or can be strong enough to do it, but we are all trying at least to learn techniques (19 of us).
I need to remember the fear, the panic, the stress, the constant uncertainty when all of a sudden new tests and findings show up. There truly is a constant awareness and fear of what if, when, where, am I living properly, am I enjoying at all. These feelings continue on and then, we have a respite of time, hopefully a long time. :I have just finished getting over the panic associated with 3 biopsies on one side, and 1 on the other side. My chronic urticara, alongside, makes me feel that I have no control over my body, except to eat properly and to exercise. My mood tends to be down, and I must constantly strive to look up and be upbeat, not an easy feat. Fatigue continues to be a major 'downer' for me, as I lack energy. I am told that the chemotherapy did quite a number on my immune system, thus I am more prone to infections, fatigue. It's amazing that when your body is fighting against you, via pain, fatigue, infections, you really have to measure out your energy carefully. MY kind of depression at not being able to do more is a constant challenge. We usually support the other person. I need to learn, and perhaps we all do, to support myself and not be so hard on myself.

It is important to remember these feelings so that we can understand and empathize with another going thru' difficult times.

And so, today, during my respite-I soon will need to go thru' the mammogram period again-I am thankful for today, for what I do have. The wisest advice I received from a teacher of mine now is to live and enjoy-to go out, to travel, movies, friends, etc. I have tended to really hibernate due to physical outward manifestations, and depression. So I am trying to push myself out and within the world more.

My best wishes go out to any of you that identify with my words.
Until the next time-may we all feel positive emotionally and physically.

JAN. 24-12 A DIFFICULT PERIOD

SHALOM!

I AM UPSET TO SEE HOW I CAN GET SO DEPRESSED WHEN THINGS ARE PROBLEMATIC. THE BIOPSY ON THE OTHER SIDE WAS SO HUMILIATING, AND DEGRADING FOR ME THAT I LEFT IN A TRAUMA. IF IT HAD BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME IN ADVANCE, AND IF THE NURSES, DOCTOR AND TECHNICIANS HAD SPOKEN IN ENGLISH AROUND ME AND NOT IN RUSSIAN, AND IF I WAS NOT SHUFFLED AROUND HALF UNDRESSED TO SIT IN A CORNER WHILE THE MACHINES WERE NOT OPERATING, AND IF THE ACTUAL BIOPSY HAD NOT BEEN SO DIFFICULT FOR ME, AND IT WAS. NOTICE, FOR SOMEONE ELSE, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EASY. BOTTOM LINE, IT LEFT ME TRAUMATIZED. NO RESULTS YET-ONE MUST BE PATIENT AND WAIT. I WASN'T WORRIED ACTUALLY, AS IT WAS A PREVENTATIVE MEASURE TAKEN, BUT THIS VERY EXPENSIVE EXPERIENCE WAS FAR FROM EASY FOR ME.

ON TOP OF THAT, MY CHRONIC UTICARA, HIVES ALL OVER MY BODY AND SWELLING OF LIPS, EYE, ETC. HAS RETURNED WEEKS AGO. IT SEEMS THAT MY BODY NO LONGER IS KEEPING ME GOING WELL AT THE MOMENT. SO I ALLOWED DEPRESSION TO OVERTAKE ME. MIND YOU, I DO TRY TO FIGHT IT DAILY. THE FATIGUE AS WELL LIMITS MY OUTINGS AND UNDERTAKINGS. BUT I DO WHAT I CAN. PERHAPS ALL OF THIS IS TO REMIND ME TO ALWAYS 'FEEL' FOR THE OTHER PERSON, NOT JUST IN WORDS OF 'I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER' , BUT TO TRULY UNDERSTAND THAT THEY MAY BE TRULY EXPERIENCING JUST DIFFICULT TIMES.

WHAT CAN I WISH ALL OF US IN THIS NEW MONTH OF SHVAT, WHICH INDICATES SPRING ON ITS WAY, THAT WE REGAIN A SPRING IN OUR HEARTS, OUR BODIES, OUR SOULS. I WISH ANY READERS AN UPLIFT OF SPIRIT, AND TO MYSELF AS WELL.

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.

JAN. 11-2012 LIVING WITH UNKNOWNS

SHALOM!

TIME HAS ITS WAY OF SORTING THINGS OUT. THE 3 GROWTHS AND 3 BIOPSIES PROVED, THANKFULLY, NOT TO BE CANCEROUS. WHAT THEY REALLY ARE I DON'T KNOW, UNTIL I MEET WITH MY DOCTORS AGAIN.
NOW I HAVE TO DO THE 4TH BIOPSY ON THE OTHER SIDE. I HAVE LEARNED TO TAKE IT IN MY STRIDE-IF IT'S THERE, IT'S THERE, AND WORRYING JUST WON'T HELP SOLVE THE MATTER OR CHANGE THINGS. SIMPLE TO SAY, BUT I DO TRY TO PUT WORRYING ASIDE. THE DAY OF I GET ANXIOUS AGAIN, AS I IMAGINE IT WILL ALWAYS BE.

I GUESS LIFE CONTINUES TO GIVE ALL IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER 'CHALLENGES' TO LIVE WITH, OVERCOME, AND STRENGTH TO JUST FORGE ALONG. SO I CONTINUE ALL MY REGULAR ACTIVITIES, TEACHING, EXERCISING, WATCHING MY DIET, AND TRYING TO DEAL WITH MY CONSTANT FATIGUE BY COMING HOME AND SIMPLY COLLAPSING PART OF THE DAY.

I SURE KNOW THAT MY BODY IS NOT THE SAME AS IT ONCE WAS. I FEEL THE PASSAGE OF TIME, AND HOW I MUST LIVE AS BEST I CAN TO ENJOY WHAT I CAN, WITH WHATEVER LIMITED STRENGTH THERE IS. I BLESS ALL THOSE AROUND ME WHO ARE EVER SO NICE AND CARING. WHAT A DIFFERENCE A KIND WORD OR GESTURE DOES FOR THE NESHAMA/SOUL.

I WISH ALL OF US WELL, UNTIL THE NEXT TIME I WRITE.

JAN. 3, 2012 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES!

SHALOM!

AS I WROTE LAST TIME, WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES! PERHAPS THAT IS WHY WE CONSTANTLY SAY; 'THANK G." FOR EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY.

MY VISIT TO 'HALLA' CENTRE LEFT ME TOTALLY SHELL SHOCKED! THE DR., WHO WAS SIMPLY EXCELLENT AND CARING, FOUND NOT THE ONE 'GUSH' AS WAS FOUND 3 WEEKS AGO, BUT 3 MASSES ON THE SAME SIDE THAT WAS OPERATED ON, AND THUS I FOUND MYSELF HAVING ON THE SPOT, 3 DIFFERENT BIOPSIES. TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO CRY, I JUST HELD ON TO MYSELF, AND WEATHERED IT. I THINK I HAD 3 MAMMOGRAMS AND ULTRA SOUNDS OVER AND OVER, AND NOW I MUST DO A BIOPSY ON THE LEFT SIDE. I TOLD HIM THAT I AM ALMOST READY TO JUST HAVE A MASECTOMY. BUT THAT IS JUST TALK FOR NOW. I MUST AWAIT THE RESULTS-GO ELSEWHERE TO DO THIS 4TH BIOPSY.

SO IF OUT THERE CAN IDENTIFY WITH ME, THE FEAR, THE PANIC, THE FACING OF DEATH ALL SOUND OUT LOUD AND CLEAR. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, ONE KEEPS ON LIVING, DOING, HOPING, AND PUSHING IT ALL ASIDE. SURELY IT WILL ALL BE JUST SOME FIBRE GROWTH AND NOTHING MORE.

AND AM I DOING ANYTHING TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST? SIMPLY NO. I USE ALL MY ENERGY TO CONTINUE TEACHING PART-TIME, EXERCISING, WATCHING MY HEALTHY HABITS, FINDING PLEASURE IN READING, SEEING FRIENDS, EATING OUT, AND GETTING MORE REST, WHICH I TRULY LACK. THAT TAKES ALL MY ENERGY.

AND SO, TODAY, AS ON ALL DAYS, I WISH YOU AND ME, GOOD PROGRESS, GOOD RESULTS, HOPE AND OPTIMISM, THAT WE WILL LIVE AND SURVIVE AND ENDURE AND BE ABLE TO COPE WITH WHAT IS ON OUR LIFE PLAN.

I SEND YOU AND ME WARM HUGS AND WISHES.

UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.....

DEC. 30-2011 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

HELLO ONCE AGAIN:

WELL, A MONTH HAS PASSED SINCE I LAST WROTE. SOMEHOW I DON'T FIND THE TIME TO SIT AND WRITE IN MY BLOG. WHEN I DO WRITE, I WRITE MY OWN POEMS AND PRAYERS IN BOTH HEBREW AND ENGLISH, AND WORK ON PROCESSING QUESTIONS FROM MY BIBLE STUDY COURSE.

BUT I FEEL I MUST RETURN TO THIS BLOG PERIODICALLY TO KEEP ABREAST OF MYSELF. THE CHRONIC UTICARA, WHICH I HAVE, GAVE ME 3 MONTHS OF GREAT DISCOMFORT. HOPEFULLY, IT IS ALMOST SOLVED, THRU' MANY DIFFERENT DRUGS. BUT IT APPEARS THAT MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IS VERY LOW, ATTRIBUTED BY MY ALLERGY SPECIALISTS AS A REACTION TO THE CHEMOTHERAPY AND RADIATION AND ALL THAT THIS ENTAILED. I KEEP TRYING TO EAT HEALTHY IMMUNE BOOSTING FOODS, WHICH I DID ANYWAYS ALL ALONG. MY FATIGUE APPARENTLY IS PARTLY CAUSED BY THE LOW FUNCTIONING IMMUNE SOURCES. IT SEEMS LIKE A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

AFTER MY RECENT MAMMOGRAM WHICH THANK G. SHOWED ALL O'KAY, I HAD AN ULTRA SOUND WHICH AT THIS POINT IS A CONSTANT FOR ME. THE RADIOLOGIST FOUND SOMETHING 'SUSPICIOUS' IN THE SAME BREAST AND TALKED ABOUT A BIOPSY. I WAS TOTALLY STUNNED!
BUT HE WENT BACK TO THE COMPUTER IMAGING OF MY OPERATION TIME IN NOV. 09, SAW THAT THEN THEY HAD SEEN A FIBREDENOMA. PERHAPS THIS WAS THE SAME THING? HAD IT GROWN? HE DECIDED TO LET ME WAIT 3 MONTHS AND THEN DO THE PROCEDURE AGAIN, AND THEN DO A BIOPSY IF HE SAW GROWTH CHANGES.

BOTH MY GENERAL DOCTOR, AND MY ONCOLOGIST, AND MY SURGEON, FELT WE NEED TO LOOK FURTHER NOW. SO I AM GETTING A SECOND OPINION NEXT WEEK AT 'HALLA' CENTRE, AND THEN IF THE TOP RADIOLOGIST THERE FELT IT IS NEEDED, HE WILL DO A BIOPSY ON THE SPOT.

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT ALL THE FEARS, WORRIES, ARE BACK IN FULL FORCE. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO PUT OUT THE 3,000 SHEKELS APPROX. AS MY KUPAH IS NOT COVERED. AFTER A BIT OF SOUL SEARCHING, I DECIDED I AM WORTH IT. SO I SAY TO MYSELF AGAIN-LIVE NOW THE BEST YOU CAN. I KNOW THAT EVENTUALLY, AND NOT TOO SOON AN EVENTUAL, I WILL LEAVE THIS PLACE, BUT I WANT TO LIVE AND SEE MORE GOOD THINGS IN THE FAMILY AND AROUND ME.

SOME ILLNESSES COME AND GO. BUT IN OTHERS, LIKE HEART PROBLEMS, CANCER, ETC., THE FEAR LINGERS ON WHETHER SURFACING OR NOT.
I PRAY FOR ALL OF US IN THIS SHIP, FOR COURAGE TO DEAL WITH IT ALL, AND HOPE ABOVE ALL.
G. BLESS
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.

NOV. 24-2-11 GROWING NOT OLDER, BUT 'UP'

SHALOM!

I AM CONSTANTLY AMAZED AT MYSELF. HERE I AM, IN LATER YEARS, AND I AM LEARNING NOW TO BE MORE AND MORE INDEPENDENT, TO DO THINGS I WOULD NEVER HAVE DARED TO DO BEFORE, TO LIVE AND LIVE AND TO ENJOY WHATEVER I CAN IN A MODEST AMOUNT. SOMEHOW, I WAS ALWAYS FEARFUL OF MAKING A MISTAKE, OF DOING THE WRONG THING, WHAT OTHERS WOULD THINK OF ME. AND NOW, SUDDENLY, I AM FILLED WITH MORE SELF-CONFIDENCE, AND DON'T WAIT FOR OTHERS TO FILL MY NEEDS OF 'SOMEONE TO GO WITH'.

PERHAPS IT IS THE RESULT OF LIVING THRU' AND WITH CANCER, WITH ALL THE AFTER-EFFECTS WHICH STILL ARE THERE IN DIFFERENT SHADES AND INTENSITY. I KNOW THAT I AM SO MUCH MORE COGNIZANT OF TIME RACING BY, SIMPLY RACING, AND OF MY LIFE'S LONGEVITY AT ONE END OF THE SPHERE.

AND SO, WHY DO I SHARE THIS WITH YOU? MOSTLY IT IS FOR MYSELF -BUT NONE OF US KNOW HOW LONG WE HAVE ON THIS EARTH, AND IF YOU TOO ARE HESITANT TO LIVE AND ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS ON EARTH OR THE NOT SO SIMPLE THINGS, PLACES, AND PEOPLE, I SAY-GO FOR IT. ALL WE HAVE IS NOW-YESTERDAY IS GONE-WE CAN'T CHANGE THAT. TOMORROW IS A QUESTION FOR ALL OF US-HEALTHY PEOPLE OR WITH AILMENTS. SO I AM TEACHING MYSELF TO ENJOY DAILY-A GOOD WALK IN THE SUN, TO SIT OUTSIDE IN A COFFEE SHOP ON NICE DAYS, TO READ WHEN SLEEP ELUDES ME, TO LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC, WHATEVER YOUR OR MY TASTE.

BELONGING TO A CANCER GROUP WHERE WE LEARN PARSHAT HASHUVA AS WELL AS DISCUSS LIFE ISSUES, HAS LED ME TO MUCH QUESTIONING RE FAITH AND EMUNA. BUT I GROPE, READ, ASK NON STOP QUESTIONS, AND AM NOW WRITING MY OWN PRAYERS-IN HEBREW AND ENGLISH. OUR INSTRUCTOR HAS BEEN MOST SUPPORTIVE AND ENCOURAGING IN ALL THESE MATTERS, WHICH HAS SPURRED ME ON.

SO-TO ANY READERS-IF POSSIBLE, LET'S NOT CLOSE OURSELVES OFF FROM OTHER HUMAN BEINGS-COMMUNICATION, CLOSENESS, OPENESS IS SO IMPORTANT AS WELL AS OUR PRIVACY AND QUIET TIMES.

UNTIL WE MEET HERE IN MY BLOG NEXT TIME

BE WELL.